by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

The devastating Ska Wars have drawn to a close. Bloodied but unbowed, Montreal's last men standing in the true-school ska-tegory are General Rudie. The brilliant strategy that led to their decisive victory was to follow the three Rs - stay true to the music's roots, play the music right and show some, uh, 'riginality. This shines through on their recent second album Take Your Place, and will do likewise when they hit the Union stage at this Friday's Vans Warped Tour stop. Given the band's strategic acumen, the Mirror ran a few famous military engagements past singer/sax-man Phil Dixon and guitarist Luke Quin to see how General Rudie would have turned those battles around.

Zama, North Africa, 202 B.C.

The brilliant Carthaginian leader Hannibal had kept the Roman Empire in check for 16 years. At Zama, the Romans outnumbered Hannibal's army by 15,000 - but Hannibal figured his 80 war elephants would more than even the score. Too bad the pachyderms got spooked and bolted in the other direction. Hannibal got his ass kicked and watched his imperial ambitions crumble.

General Rudie: Having never seen war elephants in combat, General Rudie can't speak for their merits (although they probably rank somewhere between war giraffes and war rhinos). However, Rudie is well aware that his mighty Roman adversaries have a weakness for substances. The night before the famous battle, he spikes their wine supply with a near-lethal amount of Jamaican rum. The following day the Romans can barely tie their sandals, let alone fight a battle, and Rudie tramples them in a circus-like display with Hannibal's army of elephants.

Agincourt, France, 1415

The French thought they were all high-tech and shit with their fancy new crossbows, which just plain didn't have the range of the good ol' fashioned longbows the English used. So the French said "Fuck it" and charged on foot - in the mud. Merde! The French slipped, slid and fell on their asses, ensuring English victory.

GR: General Rudie and his "brave band of brothers" rush in to attack and swiftly ambush the English soldiers as they idly wait for Prince Hal to finish giving his pre-battle speech. At point-blank range the new crossbows prove to be highly effective. Two hundred years later, Rudie becomes a much-despised Shakespearean villain in the little-known tragedy entitled Take Your Place.

Baghdad etc., Iraq, 2003

The U.S., England and assorted minor sycophant states invaded Iraq and crushed its Baathist regime in 19 days. Failing to secure borders, suppress insurgents and criminals, quickly rebuild infrastructure and maintain precious moral high ground, the grossly undermanned occupying force watches its victory turn to shit. Iran's ayatollahs, meanwhile, laugh their asses off.

GR: General Rudie puts together a gang of Kingston street thugs and gunmen who swiftly take control over all forms of communication within Iraq. Jamaican DJs rule the airwaves - ska, reggae, rock steady and dancehall play 24/7 from Baghdad to Basrah. After the thugs easily overthrow the Baath party, Rudie instates a strict fundamentalist form of Rastafarianism as state religion. The attention of insurgents and criminals is diverted to listening to the latest sounds out of Kingston and smoking copious amounts of ganja. One love Ayatollah Khomeini!

With the Planet Smashers, Belvedere, the Frenetics, Closet Monster, Subb, Eric Panic and Hostage Life on the Union Stage at the Vans Warped Tour at Parc Jean-Drapeau on Friday, August 13, 1 p.m., $38.50

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