THIS WEEK: 69 Eyes, Take the Boys,
Tony Ezzy, Mr. Teddy!

PLUS: The persecution of white
people with dreadlocks!!

M I am calling to say I don’t like reading about people’s boring rock preferences or music preferences. It’s like listening to people talk about hockey or other sports. It’s a waste of text in my HUMBLE opinion. So if you could just edit those out, that’d be cool. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F The best rock band in the world played at Foufounes on November 4. The 69 Eyes from Finland make great music, melodic yet heavy and tight as shit. VAMPIRE music that drips with sex and showmanship. Attendance was LOW, I assume because these Helsinki vampires are relatively unknown here. Too bad. And, girls, the charismatic singer and frontman, JYRKI 69, is the sexiest most beautiful man ever made. I’m talking murder hot. Check them out on the net if you want to rock and/or feast your retinas. Ain’t nothing better and I’ll see you at the next show. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is NVP. Just because I have some morality, and a sense of what is right and what’s wrong, doesn’t make me HOMOPHOBIC. I’d be the first to defend a gay man if I saw him being harassed or persecuted. I really would. I am not a redneck. And I’m definitely not homosexual. And as far as Rush is concerned, those guys saved me from suicide when I was growing up. Okay? Those guys pulled me out of the deepest pit of BLACK DESPAIR. I owe them my life. Rush and Led Zeppelin, their music has extreme relevance for our day and age. They are not dinosaurs, they’re masters. Just like Rembrandt, Rubens, Picasso and Michelangelo. Yes, some things are timeless. And I owe those guys a debt. They saved my life. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this goes to the NVP—Not Victorian Prude. Listen guy, you really are making it hard for the rest of us to enjoy Rush. [BLEEP!]

M Bravo, bravo, to the ranter who says that the Mirror SCOURS the gutter to come off as the oh-so-hip voice of lefty anglo culture. Ever since the Mirror listed the 10 best graffiti dickheads, calling them “artists,” it convinced me that you don’t live in the ghetto where you have to live with their shit. Use your bloody sense, assholes, and realize that a swing to the far and putrid left is followed by a swing in the opposite direction. The time is right for some restraint. Is it that some of your staff are just having too much fun dishing out semi-porn in CORKSCREW English? [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, my guy and I, we have this question. Last year, at one show, Tony Ezzy was all, like, NORMAL. He wasn’t freaking out—he spoke like a normal human being. We think maybe it’s because his girlfriend told him to chill? Because the next week he was all back to Tony normal—all freaky and Tony-like. So Tony Ezzy, last year, that one time—why so normal? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the dude ragging on white girls with dreads or white people with dreads. You know, some of the most MEMORABLE DREADS I’ve ever seen are on white people. Look at Angela from Take the Boys or the singer from Inword. And you can’t tell me you didn’t think Angelina Jolie was fucking hot in Gone in 60 Seconds. Anyway, do you really think we would have dreadlocks if we cared what people like you thought about our hair, or our recreational activities? There’s nothing wrong with smoking weed and hey, buddy, I think you could probably use a joint to get rid of that judgmental douchebaggery you’re pulling. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I also agree with the PERSECUTION of white people with dreadlocks. I feel that they’re a true disgrace—a disgrace to white people and to Rastafarian black people. I also think that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to set up some type of concentration camp and have them EXTERMINATED maybe. Like a dreadlock gas tank. [BLEEP!]

F My rant is about the most annoying commercials that have been playing recently about local CABLE TV not getting paid by the cable companies and they’re going under and we’ve got to go and save them. Why would we want to do that?! They play shit programming! Reruns all the fucking time! And anything with TODD VAN DER HEYDEN or Mose Persico, seriously, you’ve got to end it! So, Montreal, if you really want to do anybody a favour, go and connect to fucking SATELLITE TV, man. Get rid of local cable TV. Can you imagine a day without fucking election coverage 24/7 for three months on an election nobody goes to? Oh my God, oh my God. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’ve got a rant all right. My rant is about Apple and, more specifically, their overpriced Macbook that works like shit. My iMovie, which is the reason that I bought my Mac, has audio problems. And the only thing worse than that is the customer support problem. All you ever get at these little Apple boutiques are CUTE little douchebags who are programmed to say, “Okay, let’s see what you’re doing wrong” when it’s clearly the machine. If anyone else thinks Apple blows, I’d like to hear from you. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M My rant is about fucking Montreal pool halls. We used to get down at MIAMI until it shut down so we were forced to move to, let’s say, oh, Madhatter’s. Then we came here, we started shooting pool, you know, the Black Stallion was all good and shit, then we come back, it’s all fucking busted up. We have to use this short little MINI motherfucker and then we come back and the pool table doesn’t even work, sucking up our dollars. Where the fuck can we play pool around here? Shit. [BLEEP!]

M Hello boys and girls. Mr. Teddy loves the Rant Line™. He thinks it’s so beautiful, the way that people can express their feelings over the telephone as newspaper. I love you. Mr. Teddy. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local music scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).