by RAF KATIGBAK

With the not-so-imminent renaming of Parc Avenue to Robert Bourassa Avenue, in honour of the late former premier, it seems that much of the populace have their panties in a proverbial bunch.

Much ado is being made—in the press, in public and on those virtual online blog page Internet Web site things—about the renaming of one of Montreal’s most historical, cherished and ethnically diverse streets. And while it’s understandable why we should honour the man (dude rocked a sweet pair of black frames before the whole geek chic thing), of course it’s also completely understandable why people would be pissed.

But think about this: change is good. Changing names is good. In fact, I change the names of my pet turtles all the time, and Galactic Emperor Turtollemew III and Her Royal Highness Princess Shelly the Super Awesomest Turtle in the World are doing just fine with their new names, thank you very much. Now I’m not saying that what Tremblay’s administration is doing—acting without public consultation, and with a transparency and openness to discussing the issue best described as non-fucking-existent—is right. But what I am saying is, why Robert Bourassa? It has such a terrible mouth feel. Besides, don’t we have a Bourassa street somewhere in this city?

If we are going to take a well-known, historic site, which has been remembered in countless books, personal histories, and in honour of our gorgeous park designed by Fredrick Law Olmstead (he of Central Park fame) and erase it from the map, then why not pick a local who was just as important, even more diplomatic and brave and dashing? How does Captain Kirk Avenue sound?

While we’re at it, here are some other suggestions:

Côte-Ste-Catherine renamed Côte-JoJo-Savard

The first reason is obvious. We don’t need two Ste-Catherine streets. Since American tourists are already confused when we have to explain to them, “We don’t have a Taco Bell,” and that, “No, that Aerosmith CD you want to buy isn’t overdubbed in French. Yes, it is sung in ‘American,’” we should keep things as simple as possible. The second reason is that, much like the local psychic’s hair, Côte-Ste-Catherine currently crowns our beautiful mountain, wisp-ing up and down like gorgeous streaks of artificial extensions and teased blonde pigtails. Right next to the cemetery, which gives people that same creepy feeling that watching JoJo’s infomercials did.

Gouin Boulevard—Celine Dion Way

Like many of the local musical icon’s vocal arrangements, Gouin is really, really long, but never really goes anywhere interesting. It’s the kind of road your aunt would drive on and go, “Oh, that’s nice.”

Jacques Cartier Bridge renamed le Pont de Coupe Longueuil

With ’80s revivalists and fashionistas still refusing to lose their mullets, the bridge that links downtown metropolitan Montreal with Longueuil should be renamed for the hairstyle that does the same. Optional names include the Ape Drape, the Soccer Rocker and the Achy Breaky Mistakey. In accordance with the hairstyle, the bridge should also be made bi-level.

St-Antoine renamed Chemin de le Great Antonio

If anyone deserves a street named after him, it’s Montreal’s most famous strongman the Great Antonio (born Antonio Barichievich). In 1952, he made it into the Guinness Book of World Records by pulling a 433-tonne train 19.8 metres. Then he made it in again by pulling four city buses loaded with passengers. He could also wrestle 18 men at once, juggle six people on his shoulders and basically could kick Robert Bourassa’s ass with a single punt from his size 28 shoes. Okay, so what if, in 1970, at age 36, Robert Bourassa became the youngest premier of Quebec? Could he uproot trees with a cable attached to his neck at age 12 like Antonio? Je ne crois pas!

For bureaucrats to rename city streets without consultation with the public seems nonsense. After all, is it not the public who should have the most say in how and where we live? If so, then we should make the only obvious and fair decision, let the people decide, have them vote. In fact, only then will we be able to do the right thing, once and for all, rename the entire city of Montreal: Shatnerland!

A petition against renaming Parc can be found at causes.ca/duparc.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca

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