by SARAH ROWLAND

"Fucking ain't dancing." "I've got a problem with pussy." "She looks better than a 10-inch dick."

According to David Schmader, these priceless gems are just a few of the reasons why Showgirls is one of the most misunderstood great works of art in the 20th century.

He should know. A few years ago his obsession with the 1995 accidental comedy led to a weekly showcase at a Seattle cinema, where he would sit to the side of the screen with a mic, a remote and his ever-present campy wit. He would pause the film periodically to point out reoccurring motifs, like the importance of whorish designer finger nails or Elizabeth Berkley's emotional range, which stretches from fighting to fucking.

Much to Schmader's surprise, on opening night there was a line-up around the block, and the crowds kept growing. So he took his kitschy exhibition on the road to various film festivals. That's when he was approached by MGM to record an audio commentary track as a special feature on the new Showgirls VIP box set (which includes a lap dance instructional DVD, two shot glasses, a deck of cards and the crowning jewel: a pin-the-pasties-on-the-showgirl game).

Enthusiastic analysis

Despite having seen the movie more than 80 times, he still talks about it with the enthusiasm of a Showgirls rookie.

"The characters, the dialogue and the motivations are from outer space and it has this incredible density of failure," says Schmader, who is a political writer for the Seattle-based weekly The Stranger. "I think a lot of bad movies are bad in the exact same way: they get boring. But Showgirls is surprisingly terrible at every single turn. It's kind of magical realism in a way, where you have no idea where it's going and who's in control."

However, the self-proclaimed expert on what was once considered one of the worst movies ever made wasn't immediately convinced of the comedic value of director Paul Verhoeven's chauvinistic follow-up to Basic Instinct. It took three years and a persistent friend's coaxing for him to finally break down and rent the tawdry tale of Nomi Malone, a glorified Vegas stripper trying to become a legit dancer.

"I didn't want to give my money to that misogyny garbage," he says. "But after I saw it, I was like, ‘Oh no, he's an equal opportunity offender.' All of his characters are assholes and idiots. You can't really pick on his depiction of women because the men who are attracted to these women are equally hateful."

Lick the role

True, but the big unanswered question is: who's to blame for Berkley's colossally bad performance? From the first scene when she pulls a knife on her ride to her great moment of revenge, where she unleashes her lethal manicure on her roommate's rapist, her efforts to act seriously are gut-wrenchingly funny.

"They were a couple at the time," says Schmader, referring to director Paul Verhoeven and Berkley's short lived love affair. "I think that she may have done some terrible things in the name of love like, ‘Yes, I'll follow your vision. I'll be your muse.' She was young and in love so she should be forgiven."

For Schmader, the best example of her misguided direction is when her ex-stripper boss (Al Ruscio) and peeler bar den mother (Lin Tucci) come to visit her after she's made it as a big-time casino dancer.

"It's played for the most sentimental scene in the world but the last time we saw them, they hated each other," he says. "Then Tucci says, ‘She looks better than a 10-inch dick' and Elizabeth Berkley blushes in this way like she was just told the most beautiful thing by her father. She acts so honoured by that compliment."

Inane as that scene is, it's Verhoeven's supposedly erotic scenes featuring Kyle MacLachlan's character and Nomi that really flummox Schmader. If he were to direct Berkley, he'd do things a little differently.

"First I'd give her insulin," he says referring to the infamous pool scene where Nomi's orgasmic seizure causes a tidal wave. "If you've seen her thrashing lovemaking, you can't deny that there is a little bit of epilepsy flavour to it."

Pasties for patsies

Because of Nomi's overacted orgasms, violent temper and garish wardrobe, she is fast becoming a gay icon, says Schmader, himself gay.

"She's just so go-get 'em and enjoys herself sexually," he says. "And she survives horrible embarrassment - which every gay person has done who went to high school."

Speaking of adolescence, Schmader admits he's never seen Berkley in Saved by the Bell, the squeaky clean '90s teen sitcom. Therefore, he doesn't appreciate the full effect of seeing the Saturday morning TV star licking a pole and kneeing men in the balls every five minutes. In the voiceover, however, he says he can only imagine it would be like seeing, "Joanie Cunningham shooting ping-pong balls out of her vagina."

Disturbing images of Erin Moran doing Kegal exercises aside, Schmader still loves the idea of a sequel.

"Maybe I should pitch it," he says, relishing the possibilities of Berkley's character. "Nomi is kind of like this sex robot from the future and there's no telling how far she could go if you put her in the right situation."

Unsolved mystery

For now Showgirls is in the hand of studio execs who have finally figured out a way to market this movie for the great unintentional comedy that it is. With Verhoeven distancing himself from the project, we may never really know why he chose to direct the film the way he did. If you believe the Dutch filmmaker, his attempt at a nouveau MGM musical is rife with Christian mythology and subversive power struggles between Gina Gershon's character and Berkley.

In fact, his deeper meanings are so cleverly hidden that few viewers (if any) grasp the significance of the two leading ladies discussing their appetite for Doggie Chow or understand what possessed Verhoeven to work in that notorious menstrual cycle test and the senseless gangbang scene.

"That's the big mystery," says Schmader, who's never met the man responsible for his pseudo-fame. "What kind of tone element did he fail to transmit from his head to us. The quote I heard from him when the bad reviews were just beginning to roll in was, ‘It was like watching a butterfly turn into a caterpillar.' Can you imagine your dream film turns out to be a celebrated disaster?"

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