by LORRAINE CARPENTER

Why be Irish for a day, you ask? Because the Irish are just like you and me - they're into costumed dwarves, starchy foods, potent potables and good head. Not white? Whatever! Neither is this year's St. Patrick's Day Parade Queen, a half-Nigerian, 21-year-old McGill student, Tara Hecksher. You can watch her hold court this Sunday at noon, when the 180th annual parade crawls down Ste-Catherine from Fort to Jeanne-Mance, all smiles, waves, shivers and hiccups from local celebrities, dancing kids, men in sashes and pie-eyed pipers. As a public service, the oft-inebriated Mirror will point you in the party direction for parade day (noon, Sunday, March 14 at Fort and Ste-Catherine) and St. Patrick's Day (Wednesday, March 17).

• Andrew's (1239 Guy) Come for the sweet parade-day view chez Andrew's, just below Ste-Catherine, and stay for the specials on pitchers, pints and shots.

• Brutopia (1219 Crescent) This popular watering hole promises a huge parade-day bash with local supergroup the Slaters. On St. Patrick's Day, Sha Sha Cats purr-form standards and more at 10 p.m.

• Claddagh (1433 Crescent) Upbeat Celtic tunes, brewery giveaways and Irish stew are on this establishment's menu on parade day, which kicks off at 8 a.m. with a bountiful Irish breakfast. There's more live music in the evening on St. Patrick's Day, along with specials on stew, pies and fish 'n' chips.

• Cock 'n' Bull (1944 Ste-Catherine W.) Buffer the booze with an Irish breakfast as of 8 a.m. on parade day at this fine, fine dive, where live Irish music will play all day and all of the night.

• Hurley's (1225 Crescent) Frivolity unfolds at this classy pub as of 8 a.m. on parade day. Musicians Charlie & Dave play downstairs while the Celtic Flyers dish it out upstairs as patrons dish up a $15 buffet breakfast, available till 11:30 a.m. Post-parade, raise a glass to the sound of Solstice downstairs and Orealis upstairs as of 1:30 p.m. The music resonates into the night with Salty Dog downstairs and Celtae upstairs, at 9:30 p.m. On St. Patrick's Day, Solstice return with sets at 2 p.m. and at 9:45 p.m., when Pogey meanwhile entertain the top floor.

• L'Île Noir, (342 Ontario E.) This sleek whiskey pub offers super specials on Jamieson shooters on parade day and a big draw for Guinness-product prizes on St. Patrick's Day.

• Madhatter's (1220 Crescent) If you're mad for Irish stew, song, coffee, whiskey and brew (in green, gold and black), you know where to go on parade day and St. Patrick's Day. The Pipers play for your pleasure both days.

• McKibbin's (1426 Bishop) This big bar's week-long party is so stacked, they had to launch a Web site (www.mckibbinsirishpub.com). On parade day, the breakfast rolls in at 8 a.m. and Irish stew rolls outside from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. and there'll be live music all day and night, courtesy of the Black Watch Regiment, the Fenians, Belfast Andi, Salty Dog, the Bitter End and Foremost. On St. Patrick's Day, the breakfast stays steamy from 8 a.m. till 11 a.m. and live music rings out from 9 a.m. to 3 a.m. with the Black Watch Regiment, the Fenians, Salty Dog, the Bitter End and Sona.

• McLean's (1210 Peel) It'll be standing room only at this mammoth bar on parade day. Get yer Irish eats and joe from 10 a.m. to noon, or guzzle green beer while Life of Riley perform East Coast folk, Celtic classics and rock.

• Old Dublin (1219-A University) Party at Montreal's oldest Irish pub to the tune of Pat Greider and guests on parade day. Mr. Greider pulls an encore on St. Patrick's Day, along with local, lauded Irish musician Liam Callaghan.

• O'Hara's (1197 University) This here pub opens at noon on parade day to serve up Irish stew and other good grub, with live, lively Irish music courtesy of Ed Zawada at 2 p.m.

• One (1186 Crescent) Irish music lovers can flock to this lower Crescent club, featuring the Fenians at 2 p.m. and the Mahones at 7 p.m. on parade day.

• O'Regan's (1224 Bishop) This fightin' Irish bar offers live music by U2 cover band Zoo2, Sha Sha Cats, Rob Jager and Solstice as of 9:30 a.m. on parade day, with more hearty party bands on St. Patrick's Day from 2 p.m. on.

• Ye Olde Orchard (5563 Monkland) Gord & Dave and the Paddingtons play on parade day at this fine NDG bar, whose big old Irish breakfast will be followed by the annual "Shoot the Queen for Charity" darts competition. Yes, in Sex Pistols spirit, old Liz awaits attack on ye olde dartboard, for a good cause to be picked by the patrons.

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