The year in crime

by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

Runs well, 4 drs, aut, a/c, asshole-driven Francis Joseph, 19; Marcello Joseph, 19; and Yvon Michel Sagesse, 20, were arrested January after robbing a National Bank in Laval of $6,000. Witnesses read their phone number on a "For Sale" sign in the window of their getaway car.

They got off, then they got off Evens Sannon, 23, and his roommate Patrick Lucien, 24, repeatedly raped a woman Sannon met in a downtown bar last February. In July Judge Helene Dubreuil, explaining that the two were otherwise good citizens, sentenced them to a mere 100 hours of community service. The judge even allowed them to use her private door to escape any TV cameras waiting outside.

Maybe they were trying to stop a donut truck The Grassette + agency, which supplies fat prostitutes, was busted in March after the hookers tried to flag down customers on the Metropolitain near Motel Diplomate.

Canadian gladiators On March 1 in St-Gabriel-de-Brandon, Michel Émery, 28, and Steve Marcil, 20, duelled over a girlfriend. Émery used a metal bar while Marcil's weapon was a snow shovel. The metal bar won, Marcil is no more.

Didn't Kenny Rogers do a song about that? Gatineau trucker Normand Quévillon, 28, said he had no idea that following a violent disagreement, he ran over strip-club bouncer Tom Whelan, 36, and dragged him for 28 kilometers under his truck while driving 150 kilometers an hour and blowing through red lights.

Nothing a dull pair of scissors couldn't cure Manfred Sperling, 30, attempted to make up for lost time after being released from a seven-year sentence for sexual assault. In four days in April Sperling attacked five females, ranging from 12 to 53 at the Champlain Mall in Brossard. His intended rape targets all screamed and got the attention of passersby before he could do much more than pinch bums and fondle their breasts.

We're gonna party like it's 1998 On July 26, Nadine Chouinard, 26, got drunk, trashed her Laval home, attacked her husband, and got slapped with a restraining order: it was their wedding night.

In some places it's considered a social faux pas to hide the crack While celebrating St. Jean Baptiste Day, Claire Boudreault, 30, of Boucherville stabbed her roommate Johanne Collin 50 times after she refused to share the crack cocaine hidden in her mattress. Boudreault smoked the drugs, then tried to persuade the police Collin's death was a suicide.

It'd make a good beer ad Harold Lambert, 56, of Longeuil choked and stabbed his buddy Claude Gagnon, 48, to death on July 13 for refusing to lend him money to buy a case of beer. Gagnon scribbled his attacker's name on a paper before dying.

Bikers gain control of lucrative Alma tube steak distribution Two men, fresh off a victory in a town rowing contest, were attacked in July by 40 bikers while lining up for free hot dogs at the Café Rock Bar in Alma. One of the rowers suffered severe damage to the bones around his eye.

Be all that you can be First Christian Dominique Éthier, 34, defaulted on $60,000 in debts from his dépanneur, then got $18,000 from CSST for a bad back which witnesses claim was not so bad. He then persuaded a pitying Céline Dion to pay an inflated bill for his daughter's funeral. But he only got busted after hanging around the bathrooms of downtown malls where he'd expose his erect penis to elderly men, who he'd then accuse of being perverts. He'd claim to be a cop and succeeded in extorting upwards of $500 from at least 19 men before getting arrested.

You used to love the way I drive Steve Hamel, 31, of Thetford Mines was accused by police of trying to kill his recently estranged girlfriend on August 31 by driving badly.

$45 mil ain't what it used to be In October Matthew Lazare, 36, and Brian Jacobs, 37, of Khanawake were fined $25 and $20 million respectively for smuggling tobacco and booze.

Ironically, they were disproving white supremacy Eight skinhead gang members seeking to punish those who didn't share their views of white superiority got slapped with 240 charges of assault following a series of attacks on defenceless Plateau bar patrons in late June. Among the catalogue of injuries were four broken jaws and a 20-stitch gash on the head of a 100-pound girl.

Maybe it was a video about the effects of boxing on the brain Boxing's Davey Hilton Senior and his son Jimmy repeatedly punched a 63-year-old man in a LaSalle Wal-Mart on May 31. They were angry at him for getting the last copy of a video they wanted to buy.

As a matter of principle I always buy my crack off separatist terrorists Robert Hudon, 54, and his brother Gabriel Hudon, 56, both pioneers in the FLQ, were arrested for selling crack on the Main.

It's enough to give pimps a bad name Stevenson Adonis, a rising boxing star, was arrested in November as part of a gang which forced young girls into prostitution. For entertainment, Adonis would make the girls box each other in the nude. When there was no champ, he'd administer the K.O. blow himself.

And his favourite film is Free Willy Richard Tessier reached a milestone 25th conviction for exhibitionism in October. The 76 year old, who describes himself as syphilitic but not alcoholic, has been nailed for flaunting his dick in towns everywhere from the Northwest Territories to Roberval.

At least their new buddy won't hog the spliff Véronique Chrétien, 20, and Marie Josée Boudreau, 21, of Sherbrooke were arrested in June after digging up a body that had buried in the local cemetery since 1862. They wanted the skeleton to keep them company during their hash binges.

There are times maybe you shouldn't speed Gaspé cops stopped a fast-driving Tony Tomassino, 30, in the middle of an October night and discovered an incredible 480 kilos of cocaine, worth $192 million, in the back of his '98 GMC Yukon 4x4.

His spider senses tingled, but too late Jacques Charbonneau, 41, ignored a court order to stay away from his wife and two kids and climbed onto the roof of her Côteau du Lac home in November. From the roof, he jumped onto the balcony, then attempted to climb along the wall to a window. He fell 20 feet to his death.

I still have only nice things to say about him Hells Angel lawyer Gilles Daudelin burnt a red light in his Chevy Malibu, hit a bicyclist, was discovered to have unpaid parking tickets and to have been driving without a licence. All on his way to work at the courthouse in November.