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Test your ’08Presenting the Mirror’s annual year-end quiz,
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1. After a 13-year manhunt, former Bosnian Serb president Radovan Karadzic, who had once promised “hell and suffering” for Bosnian Muslims, was arrested and shipped off to face charges of genocide and war crimes. What was Karadzic discovered to be doing at the time of his arrest?
Answer: D. Having assumed the name Dragan David Dabic, Karadzic re-invented himself as an expert in alternative medicine, bioenergy and macrobiotic diets. When not enjoying Serie A matches in Italy or ignoring his mother’s pleas to turn himself in, the man accused of five counts of crimes against humanity gave healing advice—online from his Belgrade apartment and in person—to people troubled by sexual disorders and other woes of the spirit using a method he called “Human Quantum Energy.” In the weeks following his capture, it was reported that Karadzic had cut a deal with a number of governments, arranged by the CIA, allowing him to avoid prosecution if he disappeared himself. 2. In an interview with the Vatican’s official newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano, Apostolic Penitentiary Bishop Gianfranco Girotti listed off a set of seven “social sins” to complement the original sixth-century cardinal sins of Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed and Sloth. Which of the following did the list not include?
Answer: E. Though lacking the punch of the original seven, and never likely to be the subject of a creepy crime thriller, Bishop Girotti was no less serious about his 21st century addendum, which, in its entirety, included “Bio-ethical violations, such as birth control,” “morally dubious” experimentation like stem cell research, polluting the environment, contributing to widening the divide between rich and poor, excessive wealth and creating poverty. Granted, the sixth and seventh seem like mere variations of the fifth: positions that might have more importantly gone to using cell phones on public transit and reality TV shows about fat people. “I love Pope Benedict,” commented one poster to Catholicnewsagency.com’s coverage of the list, “but he seems to be surrounded by a rather silly Curia.”
3. Hanging around, minding their own business, testicles still managed to make their way into the news in 2008. Of the following, what call for balls was not made?
Answer: D. Wow! What a great year to be male genitalia. Whether it was the Florida Senate voting in favour of Cary Baker’s proposed ban on replica bull testicles that some people liked to hang on their vehicles, German scientists successfully isolating and cultivating potentially therapeutic stem cells from human testicles or Jesse Jackson saying, “I wanna cut (Obama’s) nuts off” for “talking down to black people,” the humble balls—or b-lls, as some news outlets preferred to write it—enjoyed a bit of celebrity in ’08. Putin’s unabashed threat to “hang Saakashvili by the balls” was made to French President Sarkozy as Russian tanks neared Tbilisi during the Russia/Georgia conflict over South Ossetia and Abkhazia. “Why not?” he asked Sarkozy. “The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein.” “Yes,” responded the French president. “But do you want to end up like Bush?” While Bush did appear to spend a lot of time sitting around with his hand down his pants, he never actually stated that’s what he’d like to be doing, and this quiz deals only in fact, more or less. 4. Taking their cue from the equally greedy and unlikable President of the United States, exploitative retail giant Wal-Mart announced they were introducing an economic stimulus package of their own to help America through its troubled times. What features did the package include?
Answer: E. Apparently not as savvy on the fiddle as Nero, Wal-Mart announced an “economic stimulus plan” to give Americans “what (they) want… when they need it.” What Wal-Mart felt the newly unemployed, foreclosed and fucked masses needed were savings on LCD flat-screen TVs, a huge variety of junk food and $99 Ab Rockets. While the company did herald in what it called an “improved” insurance plan for full-time workers, the package was seen as exclusionary, more perplexing than generous and, by that time, the company had begun turning more to uninsured part-time help anyway. 5. As temperatures hit a delightful 25-degrees under sunny skies, children in Ottawa were treated to what unwelcome addition to their family Canada Day celebrations?
Answer: A. Okay, so it wasn’t feces in its rawest form, but nonetheless, in a move that might have been taken from the Bloc Québécois’s bio-warfare playbook, Ottawa firefighters, claiming to have been ignorant of the warnings about the Ottawa River’s high e.coli contamination levels, pumped water from the river onto the frolicking federalists at Petrie Island beach. A Canada Day tradition, Ottawa Fire Services sector Chief Irvin Sunstrum said the department didn’t realize that this year the river they had been pumping water from had been closed to swimmers. 6. Responding to criticism and not just a bit of smarminess, Saudi cleric Sheikh Muhammad S. Al-Munajjid posted a video to YouTube hoping to dispel the rumour that he had called for the assassination of what world figure?
Answer: C. Released in translation to the press by the Middle East Media Research Institute, the story of the Mickey Mouse fatwa was pounced on by news agencies across the globe to the embarrassment of Muslims everywhere. “I never issued a fatwa about the killing of Mickey Mouse, and I did not say that it is permissible or necessary to kill Mickey Mouse,” Al-Munajjid later explained. Instead, he insisted, his words were twisted and taken out of context by MEMRI, an organization founded in 1998 by former Israeli Intelligence personnel that has often been cited for anti-Arab bias and seemingly intentional mistranslations. Despite the Sheikh’s damage control, Egyptian Mufti Ali Gum’a suggested it might be time for the creation of a fatwa oversight board. 
Dog poop 7. What new factor concerning the prisoners of Guanatamo Bay prompted Supreme Court Justice John Roberts to suggest that detainees would now face a worse situation than they had already been in?
Answer: D. “So who won?” asked Roberts, speaking for the dissenters in the court’s 5–4 decision to finally grant Guantanamo guests the normally standard right to have their imprisonment argued in court. “Not the detainees.” In Roberts’ opinion, habeas corpus left prisoners with “only the prospect of further litigation to determine the content of their new habeas right, followed by further litigation to resolve their particular cases, followed by further litigation….” After all, who feels like dealing with the U.S. legal system fresh off the back of over six years of brutal detainment? “I always favoured closing Guantanamo,” said John McCain, the next day adding that he considered the decision “one of the worst… in the history of this country.” 8. In the vast swell of knowledge that John McCain vowed to bring to the White House, he was admittedly stuck on some things. Which of the following declarations did McCain not make?
Answer: C. While record numbers of Americans were losing their sole home, John McCain was unable to answer a question as to how many he and his wife, Cindy, had in their house buffet. Turns out it’s at least seven and a couple of condos. He also didn’t know how much gas cost the last time he’d filled up (then $4 per gallon) nor did he “see how it matters.” Everything else the old man claimed to have a firm grasp on, with the additional boast of personally knowing “all” the world leaders, like, for example, “President Putin of Germany.” Give yourself a half-point if you answered D. Despite knowing how to fix the economy, McCain also said he “doesn’t really understand economics” as well as he did war, a mastery of which he obtained by watching one play out from inside a cage. Alas, like the tomes of the Great Library or the true contents of the Necronomicon of Alhazred, all his wisdom will forever remain lost to us. 
Subprime catastrophe 9. In his tireless efforts to make France a better place for all, French President Nicolas Sarkozy went to court to try to win a ban against what plague on his nation?
Answer: E. When not courting supermodels and negotiating peace deals, it appears the president is something of a humourless prick. While some French local authorities were indeed banning bullfights featuring a 10-year-old matador rumoured to have 60 kills under his belt, Sarkozy was more concerned with stopping a publishing house from marketing a stuffed Sarkozy voodoo doll. The doll, bearing famous Sarkozy quotes like “Work more to earn more” and “Get lost, you poor jerk,” was allowed to stay on the market due to what courts called a “right to humour.” The suit was not a complete loss for Monsieur President, though. For his tarnished reputation, Sarkozy was awarded damages of a single Euro and K&B Editions were ordered to add a notice to the doll’s packaging that reads, “It was ruled that the encouragement of the reader to poke the doll that comes with the needles in the kit, an activity whose subtext is physical harm, even if it is symbolic, constitutes an attack on the dignity of the person of Mr. Sarkozy.” 10. After almost a decade of public service, New South Wales politician Matt Brown was promoted to the esteemed position of Minister of Police. Just a scant 72 hours later, Brown was forced to resign. What prompted Brown’s resignation?
Answer: D. At an office celebration of the state’s budget performance, Brown engaged in behaviour he’d later describe as “not befitting a minister.” According to those in attendance, that behaviour involved his stripping down to his “very brief” briefs, straddling the chest of MP Noreen Hay and shouting to Hay’s daughter, “Look! I’m titty-fucking your mother!” At first, Brown denied all allegations until the state premier told him that “there were too many reports of you in your underwear for me to ignore.” Brown conceded he’d done an underwear dance, but insisted all claims of simulated sex were “just ridiculous,” adding the room was filled with women younger and more attractive than Hay. Australia’s sex-for-property scandal involved Wollongong town planner Beth Morgan, who was unceremoniously dismissed from her duties, while the urinating Grateful Dead fan was 44-year-old Jersey City, NJ, councilman Steven Lipski, who also resigned over his antics. 
SWAT team 11. A city in Israel began collecting DNA for a database they hoped to use to find the culprits in which of the many crimes tied to the nation in 2008?
Answer: C. As bloodlusting settlers rampaged and the IDF continued its legacy of above-the-law brutality, the tiny town of Petah Tikva had problems of their own. People weren’t picking up their dogs’ poop and officials weren’t about to take the matter lightly. Asking all canine-owning residents to bring their pups in for DNA swabbing, the city then would be able to match errant feces to the dogs in its database and issue fines to owners who don’t stop to scoop. The city also promised rewards to owners of dogs whose droppings weren’t found. Should the trial program prove successful, the city said it would consider making the DNA samples mandatory for all pet owners. 12. Intending to offer a kinder alternative to abortion, child neglect and abuse, Nebraska introduced a new “safe haven” law allowing parents or legal guardians to anonymously give up their children to any state hospital, no questions asked. What unexpected consequences did the new law have?
Answer: B. With 13–17-year-olds being the least likable demographic to those outside their own peer group, it shouldn’t have been much surprise to Nebraska’s lawmakers when people began leaving teenagers on hospital stoops. Similar safe haven laws around the U.S. have a cut-off age ranging from 72 hours to 12 months, but Nebraska’s law encompassed “all minors,” defined by the state as anyone under the age of 19. Of 34 minors dumped before the state could amend the law, all but six were older than 10 and none were infants. “We really opened a can of worms,” commented Nebraska Republican state Senator Arnie Stuthman. With parents flying their teens in from as far away as Florida, Governor Dave Heineman asked the public, “Please don’t bring your teenager to Nebraska.” 13. As the effects of ’07’s subprime mortgage catastrophe began sending ripples across the gilded halls of economic centres worldwide, George W. Bush called for $145-billion in tax cuts, saying it would provide a much needed “shot in the arm” to the American economy. What effect did his stimulus package bring about?
Answer: B. While insisting the U.S. economy remained strong, albeit with a period of “slowed growth,” the “shot in the arm” was perceived more as a boot to the face, crippling confidence that America was headed in the right economic direction. Markets around the world plunged after the president’s announcement, which kick-started an avalanche of Keynesian cash-dumping into corporations, banks and businesses whose bad business models and obscene hunger for cash helped forge the problems in the first place. Bush’s original belief, that the land of milk and honey was just a shopping spree away, manifested in tax rebates and business tax incentives that turned out to be as misguided as critics at the time said they would be. By year’s end, the already financially doomed U.S. government would dump trillions of dollars in bailouts and “stimulus” packages to little avail. Consumer spending hit record lows, unemployment record highs. 14. A Metro SWAT team surrounded the home of Boston police captain Christine Michalosky, leading to what papers described as an “armed stand-off.” What had the captain, who joined the police force in the ’70s as one of Boston’s first uniformed female officers, done to merit the operation?
Answer: A. After a life dedicated to the force that earned her only respect from both her peers and the citizens of the sectors in which she’s worked, the 61-year-old Michalosky garnered SWAT team attention, complete with the evacuation of neighbouring houses and a cordoned-off crime scene zone, after a TJ Maxx shopping spree raised some paranoid eyebrows. Having filled four shopping carts with toys and children’s clothing, police responded to a call suggesting Michalosky had “barricaded herself” in her home with her Yuletide booty. Police feared Michalosky’s purchases indicated a mental imbalance and assumed she was about to do something desperate. In fact, Michalosky had planned to wrap all the gifts, rent a truck, and spend Christmas playing Mrs. Claus for the children of a public housing project in her command district. 15. As the year drew to a cash-strapped close, the U.S. Congressional Oversight Panel, assigned to the task of overseeing how October’s $700-billion bank bailout package was spent, filed their first report. What findings did the report include?
Answer: C. Six weeks from the day the bank bailout package was put together, the five-member panel was finally named. Two weeks later, one stepped down, and by mid-December, it was announced that the four remaining members were working part-time and “still struggling to find office space.” Their debut report was essentially a list of questions they had about spending, all the answers to which they found were “unclear.” Despite promising the public full transparency, all people knew for sure was that half the money had been spent, and none of it was doing anything for the majority of taxpayers who funded it. With free-money lobbying becoming Washington’s hottest new sport, there was growing criticism toward Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson over his rumoured choices to grant larger banks money to buy out smaller banks, hand out undeserved executive bonuses or invest in financial prospects overseas. While eager to take taxpayer cash, banks showed no sign of actually keeping to the feds’ stated objectives of freeing up credit and increasing lending. Citibank, for example, after receiving $300-billion in a separate arrangement, raised credit card interest rates. “Treasury cannot simply trust that the financial institutions will act in the desired ways,” warned the panel, who have no actual authority over the spending and, like the American public, can only sit back, watch and feel they’ve been had. |
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