M It is currently 4:01 a.m. I have just come in from the Roots concert at Metropolis as part of the Jazz Fest. For anybody who hasn’t seen the Roots live, you’re missing out in a big way. This is my sixth time seeing them and anybody that was there can attest to the fact that it was an absolutely incredible show. And I can’t wait to see them again. Spread the word, people. [BLEEP!]

M Before anyone starts bitching about the sound at the Paul Simon tribute, I just wanna say whoever was running sound for that show rocks. Yes, there were a few mic MISHAPS but to do all those acts with little or no pre-show soundchecks? Good work. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m just calling about Socalled’s set at the Jazz Festival. Um, that was totally embarrassing—you guys sounded like a bunch of unrehearsed amateurs. Man, you need to learn how to rehearse! Like, that was not cool to play a major festival and sound like that. The novelty of your music is only gonna get you so far. [BLEEP!]

M Yo yo yo what’s up, what’s up? This is the Funky Chef, I just got back from the ill Del show and guess what, Mtl? Team Canada kicks ass. Yeah. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, I can’t get enough of this Stanley Durtz guy—the guy who plays at the Griffintown Café. But what I really want to know is, is he GAY or not? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m a musician and I’m a cyclist. And today on Sherbrooke, I just got RUN OVER by a van and now my thumb is fucked up and I can’t play guitar. That sucks. And I think Montreal drivers really need to wake the fuck up. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m just calling about my friend. He just phoned a second ago about getting hit by a vehicle, and I don’t think you guys quite understand. We drove here across Canada for four days and he’s a professional guitar player and he can’t even hold a fuckin’ PICK anymore! And his elbow’s fucked up so he can’t even bend his elbow to hold his guitar. So I just think that the drivers of Montreal should show a little bit more respect and, also, if you knock a dude over, at least help him get up. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m a black person and this rant goes out to all those fucked-up black females who work at CHIC stores. How is it that if a young black guy walks into a store and asks you for information, you feel like he’s looking to pick you up. But when it’s the white customers, you don’t have a problem? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’m a busker in Montreal and I very often get complaints from CLIENTS about other buskers. It really bugs me to hear some of the things that people do, but I think the worst was yesterday. A parent, who was volunteering for a daycare outing, walked past the TALL GUY—I’m not going to say his name—who plays dobro at Place des Arts metro. And this busker started yelling at the kids because they were making too much noise, telling them to move on—he told one little girl looking at him that she wasn’t loved. These are all kids under four years old! Anyway, I wish we had a licence system so that asshole could get his licence taken away from him because he gives us all a BAD NAME. I know when daycares go past, I wave, I smile— it’s a privilege. So this is to you, tall guy with little hair playing a dobro at Place des Arts. You’re a really bad ambassador for the rest of us buskers and I wish you would take your little dobro and go to another town if you’re gonna act like that. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what’s up with them TV motherfuckers making an entire one-hour motherfucking documentary about that fucking Spoon Man motherfucker? What the fuck, man? How much did they waste? Shit. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. I’d like to know the following: what is the deal with OLD MEN and walking with their hands locked behind their backs everywhere they go? If anybody knows why, then please reply. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, what the fuck is up with all these dirty old men who try to pick up BARELY LEGAL girls in this city? It’s getting rather disgusting. I’ve decided that I’m gonna start giving out the Rant Line™ phone number instead of making up excuses as to why I won’t give my own. I hope you don’t mind. Hopefully, you’ll get some funny rants out of it. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M You know why we need more cougars? Because there are more and more MAMA’S BOYS. That’s why. Cougar bars. Grrrr. I’m not a mama’s boy—just to let you know. [BLEEP!]

F I was 16-years-old, walking down the hallway in high school, and somebody yelled out, “Yo, you suck!” and I turned around and I said, “No, I fucking LICK.” And now at 20 years old, I am a lesbian! [BLEEP!]

F Whoever says they don’t pee in the shower is a fucking liar. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum