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This
week: Morrissey,
Charlie Biddle, Holy Moly, small penises!
M I just heard from a friend in Edmonton that Morrissey is giving a show at West Edmonton Mall in August and I can’t believe it. I lived in that crappy town of DEADMONTON for 10 years, and several fag-bashing incidents later, I finally come to my senses and move back to Montreal only to miss the coolest guy in the world playing some fucking pool hall in the world’s largest mall. So what I want to know is, does anybody want to carpool? [BLEEP!] M Holy fucking moly. Holy fucking moly. Holy Moly is the greatest band in the world, not only in Montreal. Everyone should go out and see Holy Moly. Holy Moly left with my brain. Find Holy Moly and get my brain back. They’ve stolen it. [BLEEP!] M Hello, my name is Joe and I’m just calling to say that the Rubberband Dance Group is the best act in the city. Fucking period. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is a rant that goes out to the relatively new old CHOM FM. How come they can’t mention the words Vaginal Croutons on the radio? This is Montreal, not Toronto. That’s all I gotta say. [BLEEP!] F I’m wondering if anybody out there can explain to me why I just saw a Paul Oakenfold video which was preceded by a TrebleCharger video on MuchMusic? Please, anyone, this is an outcry for assistance. When did he become so goddamn commercial? Thank you. [BLEEP!] M I was going through the Mirror music listings and I appreciate that it’s difficult to include everything, but what the hell is Charlie Biddle doing anywhere near a category that also includes “Experimental” and “Avant-Garde”? The last time I saw that guy playing bass at Biddle’s, he was SLEEPING on the stage while the other musicians played around him. Come on. [BLEEP!] M Okay, regarding the issue of cows on the South Shore. If I was a cow, I would be living out in the country, not the suburbs. People say country people are backwards, but in fact they play the fiddle and they think abstract things because they live in an ever-changing world. People on the South Shore do not have cows in their backyards because cows are smart. They know that the suburbs are like a FEEDLOT and that is a place where you prepare to die. Suburbs are mediocre and boring. They’re full of strip malls, mini-marts and mini-putts. They’re full of housewives wearing stretched-out Au Coton slacks that they’ve had for the last five years in some god-awful pastel colour, cut off at the shin with a pair of white sweat socks stuffed into some flat black really awful shoes, their paunchy bellies stickin’ out and BABY PUKE all over ’em. Their husbands are at the barbecue with their beer-bellies hanging out of Pink Floyd T-shirts and under that they have a pair of grey shorts with Budweiser written on them and a pair of sandals with a ripped tag that says Yellow on it. It’s a slow and painful death and the cows know it. Nobody from the suburbs ever won a big intellectual prize. It’s either the country folk or the city folk. [BLEEP!] M Hello, Montreal. Just here to remind you all that SCHIZOPHRENIA and crime are the only sane solutions to a sick society. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, hey, I’m
just calling because every single woman I’ve dated has told me
that, at four inches, my penis has been the shortest they’ve ever
seen. I’m just wondering if there are any women out there who
actually like small penises. You can leave me an e-mail at M What’s up with all the chicks who wear CONCEALING CLOTHING that hides the fact that they’re not really all that delicious? Guys should have a better chance of seeing what’s to offer. You don’t want to walk into a buffet and have all the dishes covered and pick one and find out that it’s all icky. So I say, everyone in bikinis. Later. [BLEEP!] F Hello. I am wondering where I can find girls to have fun with once in a while. I did a bar round in the gay Village and only found one girl bar, the Magnolia, but these girls are not exactly my type. I’m looking for more feminine girls. Can anyone tell me where I can find lesbian bars or lesbian babes? Thank you. [BLEEP!] F Hey, Rant Line™. I just wanna say that it’s hard to approach an Asian girl because they’re always in LARGE GROUPS. I’m also Asian and my boyfriend’s birthday is coming up and I think a threesome with an Asian girl is a perfect gift. So if someone fits the profile and wants to be my present, e-mail me at TXO_100@hotmail.com. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!] F I want to speak out in support of foot fetishists. My favourite ex-boyfriend was a foot fetishist and it was fabulous. Every birthday, every Christmas, NEW SHOES. God bless them. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum Got
an opinion on the local scene? |