This week: Korn-blowers, drunk drivers, McGill meatheads, real Jamaican gum.

Plus: Steve Anthony's big fluffy curls!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F This is to all of those critics and people who thought that the Korn concert sucked. You guys have no clue what you're talking about: they were AMAZING. When was the last time you were at a concert where people were moshing while they were standing in line--outside before the show even began?! It was so cool! Everybody loved it! All of my friends loved it! The critics have no CLUE. [BLEEP!]

M (Jamaican accent) Yeah, this is to the PUSSY HOLE who was telling people to get lost in Africa if they didn't like CHOM FM. Well, I tell you something. Keep all of that white rock 'n' roll trash out of Africa! It's time that we cleaned up the motherland, see. Ire. [BLEEP!]

M I'd rather move back to Africa with a bunch of dancers and party people who are happy and joyous and celebrating life instead of sitting with a bunch of white-bread, pissed-off rockers who probably trace their roots back to Nazi Germany. Go torture yourselves and experience the Iron Maiden. It will do you some good. [BLEEP!]

M I just got a look at CHOM's new morning man, Steve Anthony, and is it just me or does he have the cheesiest '80s haircut ever seen? Long with big fluffy CURLS. All right, CHOM! Yet another winner! [BLEEP!]

M Aerosmith, c'mon, they suck. They always sucked. They sucked back in the '70s when they were just a poor man's Rolling Stones and they suck even harder now that they're closing in on 60 years old and still stealing their stage costumes from Tom Keifer and Cinderella! They are truly an embarrassment for everyone who has to look at them. Steven Tyler and Joe PESCI should give us all a break and call it quits. Nobody wants to hear that crap anymore! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'm just playing Nintendo and waiting for my shit to load or what have you and some of your rants caught my eye. The CHOM rants? For fuck's sake, people, what the hell else are you going to listen to: the Buzz, CKOI? The best thing to do is just put on the CBC and when you want some quality music, put on some Jane's Addiction, Stone Roses, Beastie Boys. You know, listen to music on your own time. In the meantime, listen to CBC: you got good news, good tunes and originality. Fuck all media in the ass with a twig--it's tight enough. [BLEEP!]

FAXRANT Dear Rant Line: Hayden put on a kickass show at Café Campus. But the loudmouth, drunk McGill MEATHEADS who didn't understand that Hayden sings more than one song should have been checked at the door. You know who you are. I wonder if Hayden would write a depressing song about me stuffing a Sleeman's up your disrespectin' Toronto ass! [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling to help out the MENTAL GIANT who was calling to complain about the clock on the corner of Ste-Catherine and Metcalfe. Two words, idiot: it's broken. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I have an answer for the dripping McDonald's guy. Hey, asshole, next time you go to McDonald's and you drive there DRUNK, I hope you end up in an accident in the McD's drive-thru and die by flying through your windshield. Drunk drivers suck! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is for that beer-drinking, burger-slurping, trash can SLOB who hangs out in McDonald's parking lots. If McDonald's is ruining your sex life, then maybe McDonald's is not your biggest problem. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Quality dope in the '80s? Hey buddy, where the fuck were you? $35 a quarter for blow? I'm sorry but in the '80s you could buy an 8-ball of blow, almost pure, for $120. Fuck you and your "dino-bud." You go and try and find some real Jamaican gum these days, okay? Not this SHOE-POLISH black crap that goes around today. Moron! The '80s may have sucked but the dope was way cheaper and way better. I was there, man! [BLEEP!]

F I just read your Cool Winter Guide and I am feeling inspired. I'm trying to come to terms with winter this year and, thanks to you guys, I think I found just the thing to help. Nothing would warm up my winter more than having the opportunity to drive a Zamboni wearing only a BALACLAVA. As a proud northern girl, I think it's quite the appropriate fantasy, no? [BLEEP!]

F I'm really appalled by the programming that CFCF-12 decided to air on Remembrance Day. Eight million people died overseas and all we get is Rosie O'Donnell and Sesame Street. That's all we need. A bunch of puppets and a big fat dyke! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'd just like to know why the fuck Michael Bolton gets into a party hosted by Puff Daddy for his birthday and George Clinton gets dissed at the door. Puffy doesn't even know what the hell he's representing. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm in the metro right now, pissed off coz people always try to take their copies of the Mirror from the bottom of the pile, totally fucking up all of the other copies. Why the fuck would anyone want to do this? Are the copies at the bottom more readable or something? This is not NORMAL behaviour, people. For Chrissakes, stop being so goddamn neurotic. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum