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100,000 woodshop students can't be wrong >> Ozzy Osbourne celebrates 30 years of being oblivious to trends by JOHNSON CUMMINS In high school there was a group of kids we called the stoners, who were permanent fixtures in the smoking area. Judging by their overabundance of facial hair, I doubt many of them were even enrolled as students, but when the bell rang announcing woodshop class, at least half of them would leave. They were pretty easy to spot, as they all had Ozzy painted, in Liquid Paper, on their lumberjack jackets, their work boots were never laced and they wore the staple heavy-metal quaff that you could get for $5.99 at Budget Cuts.
Ozzy fans are like no other. They've stuck with him through thick and thin and to this day he continues to pack stadiums and halls with ex-woodshop students, while continuing to ignore any trends that have been thrust upon him. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that wood class from my high school is getting Ozzy tattoos with Indian ink and Walkman motors right now with the same love they once burned into wood. With the recent release of Ozzman Cometh marking his 30th anniversary performing, the Mirror decided we'd check up on the Ozzman and see how he's holding up. Mirror: Hey Ozzy, first off I'd like to congratulate you on The Ozzman Cometh CD. The inclusion of those Black Sabbath demos was amazing. Ozzy: Thanks, I found those demos by sheer accident. My wife asked me to clean my room and I just stumbled upon them and after I heard them I said I've got to put them out. Mirror: Yeah, they're cool. It sounded like you were just making up the words as you went along. Ozzy: Well, I hadn't gotten around to writing the lyrics, so I just said stuff off the top of my head. Mirror: Like in "Fairies Wear Boots?" Ozzy: Well, I actually wrote that one, but I was on acid. Mirror: With lyrics like "Electric Funeral" and "I am Iron Man," it does seem like a lot of your lyrics for Black Sabbath were written while you were stoned. Ozzy: Oh yeah, definitely. Probably almost every single thing we ever did was while we were stoned. Mirror: Well, I guess "Sweet Leaf" and "Snowblind" were kind of obvious. Ozzy: Yeah, but most people wouldn't understand a lot of the drug references, because it was like a drug language that only the four members in Sabbath would know. Mirror: But you're sober now, right? Ozzy: I try and stay sober. I'm sober today. Mirror: Do you find sobriety boring? Ozzy: Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes I think "Ah fuck it," if I'm around it. I don't go to bars or nightclubs but occasionally I'll find myself in a dodgy situation that I just can't get out of. All I can say is I'm sober today, tomorrow I may drink. I just can't say. Mirror: Can you feel the residual long-term effects of your drug use today? Ozzy: What do you mean? Mirror: Uhhh... if you didn't do drugs do you think you'd feel better now? Ozzy: I don't know, because I did do all those drugs and drank all that booze so I don't know. Mirror: Well now that you're trying to get sober, are there any current vices you have? Ozzy: The one thing that is killing me now is cigarettes. It's worse than any addiction I've ever had, because at least with drugs and alcohol I would get stoned or drunk. With these fucking things, all I get is waking up in the morning and feeling like someone booted me in the ribs. Mirror: But you didn't go to the Betty Ford Clinic for cigarettes. Ozzy: Yeah, I guess I have been in a lot of clinics. Mirror: What was the Betty Ford Clinic like? Ozzy: It's like a fucking hotel with a golf course. Mirror: What do they make you do? Ozzy: You wash your own clothes, make your own beds, vacuum your own room, make sure there's always a fresh pot of coffee on and then you try and make your three o'clock archery lesson. Mirror: Kind of like an alcoholics Club Med, huh. Ozzy: Well, that's how I got conned into going. My wife told me it's a place where they would teach me to drink like a gentleman. I just thought I was drinking wrong. Mirror: C'mon Ozzy, you mean to tell me you had never heard of the Betty Ford Clinic? Ozzy: I'm fucking serious. I thought Betty Ford was the president of the motor car company. Mirror: What was their reaction to you treating it like the Betty Ford bar tending course? Ozzy: Well, I went up to her when I got there and said "Good evening, I'm Mr. Osbourne and if you would just point me in the direction of the bar, I'm eager to start work on my drinking problem." I thought she would sit and watch me drink and say things like "No, Mr. Osbourne, we must sip our drinks, not gulp them." Mirror: You mean you actually thought they would have classes on proper coaster etiquette? Ozzy: Well, yeah. That's what my wife told me. Mirror: OK, OK. Black Sabbath got back together on your Ozzfest tour and with the inclusion of these Black Sabbath demos the rumours are flying once again. Are you guys going to be getting back together or what? Ozzy: In about a week I'm flying over to Back Sabbath's birthplace in Birmingham. Black Sabbath are going to start rehearsing for a live album and video which is going to include some fireside chats and just us hanging out. Mirror: What about a studio record with Black Sabbath? Ozzy: I don't know. If the magic is still there then sure I'd love to write an album with them, but I haven't heard anything they've ever done since I've left. I guess we'll just have to see if this thing works first. Mirror: I heard Black Sabbath were actually used as models for a lot of the scenes in This Is Spinal Tap. Is that true? Ozzy: I wouldn't doubt it. When I saw that movie everybody was laughing except for me. To me that was a documentary. That movie made me want to cry. Mirror: Would you have cut down on the drugs or have changed anything from the past, so things would work out better now? Ozzy: No, I would never change a goddamn thing. Mirror: Even chewing the head off that bat or pissing on The Alamo or... Ozzy: If you didn't have any regrets you'd have a pretty boring life. If you didn't do something wrong, then you wouldn't know if you did something right. Mirror: I guess that's a good attitude to have, especially since certain incidents of yours have been made public record. Ozzy: Everyone has skeletons in their closet. The difference between me and the rest of the planet is even if people have done worse things than me, they don't end up on the front page of the fuckin' National Enquirer with headlines like "Ozzy Osbourne found drunk with a carrot stuck up his arse." Mirror: What are you trying to occupy your time with now? Ozzy: I really love hockey. I love the aggression. They're getting pucks launched at them at 120 m.p.h., I mean, that's bloody mad. In soccer, if they put the ball in the net, they'll run around for the next half hour kissing each other. But in hockey, if they don't put the puck in the net, they'll bash each other with sticks. Brilliant! Mirror: I saw some live footage of you on TV recently, and you had so many effects on your voice you sounded like R2D2. With the early Black Sabbath demos sounding so good, are you going to return to that simpler sound? Ozzy: No. Mirror: It's been 30 years of performing. You're showing no signs of stopping. What's it going to take? Ozzy: A bullet in the head. Ozzman Cometh is in stores now
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At the end of the year, the finest fruits from our school's wood class would be on display in a special case beside the principals office. This display was known to the student population as "the Ozzy case." Dozens of wood plaques bearing Ozzy's likeness or logo were perfectly carved, sanded and stained until they would be good enough for "the case." If you wanted to see pure love engraved in wood, this was it. I mean Bob Vila couldn't hold a candle to this stuff. I'm sure most of the teachers, English Beat fans and just general passers-by of "the case" probably thought that this Ozzy thing was like a cult or something, and perhaps they were right.