Disband.
No really, Disband!!!!!

by JOHNSON CUMMINS

If you are anything like me, and may Santa Claus show mercy on your soul if you are, you’ve always had an unhealthy obsession with anything that is really bad. Not like a William Hung kind of bad, but utterly stench-like stuff—think Kelly Osborne’s musical missives. Here’s just a short list of some of the things that lovingly churn my gut—Dane Cook, Dane Cook fans, the Club Piscine jingle (both the original version and the equally putrid current version), Parrotheads (Jimmy Buffet fans), Rush Limbaugh, The Royal Canadian Air Farce, the guitar dude from Jane’s Addiction (the überdouche!), Just For Laughs Gags and… well, ya get the idea. But almost none of the esteemed brethren of bile listed above can reach the torrential diarrhea tsunami that is the MuchMusic-produced show Disband.

The premise of the show is to grab unsigned bands and groom them to play in front of a panel of judges, made up of stragglers still hanging by the thread of the Canadian music biz and the midnight shift of MM’s VJs. The man in charge of the trimming and buffing for success is none other than CanCon rock dude, ex-Treble Charger and Sum 41 producer Greig “The Guru” Nori. Amazing, right? The best part is that nobody tips off these young Avril Lavigne and Simple Plan wannabes that there’s no existing record industry left in Canada. How many people do you think these Canuck wax jockeys sign a year? One? Two? And who gives a fuck what some talking head spinning Nickelback videos thinks of your band? This show is so shot full of holes it’s no wonder Americans think we’re idiots.

All of the bands are of course absolute humps who are all after the same baby-sitting money (which makes up 99% of the MuchMusic demographic— I think the biz calls that synergy or something) with the crowning success being a mall-punk version of the Jonas Brothers from Edmonton called Stereos, who are an absolute side-splitter. This is easily the best episode you’ll want to wet your feet with, because if success was pus-ridden cock, these guys would be knob-bobbin’ quicker than Senator Larry Craig. If you want see what leeches are really left in the current obsolete state of the record industry, and the young putzes who actually think they deserve a place in it, you have to tune into the greatest dry shave to ever hit the tube. Check MuchMusic Friday at 6, or stream previous episodes on www.muchmusic.com.

Phew, that really felt like a Cleveland Steamer was just let off my chest. In less craptacular news, you can check out the guitar-driven ambient soundscapes of Ghidrah (featuring members of Aun, Thisquietarmy and Maggot Breeder) and local pedal nerd Cloudscapes at Green Room tonight, Thursday, Aug. 27. Friday you can check out the Unpop Festival happening for free at Parc Des Amerique at St. Laurent and Rachel starting at 4 with

Le Monade, Dead Messenger, Plajia, After the Weather, Slowest Runner and finally, organizer and admitted Pearl Jam fan Sebastian Hell with Blooze Konekshun. Saturday, don’t miss the Reagan-era hardcore of Career Suicide with Dead Wife, Brazen Hell, Molested Youth and Slobs at Friendship Cove or the galloping metal of Mad Parish at Katacombes.

AT CLUB PISCINE WE PLAY IN WATER! JONATHAN.CUMMINS@GMAIL.COM