RANT LINE™: Impulsively Braindead, Booze Crotch, butterflies, bank tellers!
PLUS: Orange Line vs. Green Line!!
by AL SOUTH
February 23, 2012
“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT
F Yo. Just want to say big up to that Impulsively Braindead chick. I loved her acoustic show. That shit was boss, man. That girl, MULTITASKING all that crap, she’s amazing. Working six days a fucking week, plus her fucking IBD shit—seriously, everyone could learn from for this girl. [BLEEP!]
M I just want to say that everyone in the world should download songs because it’s free and fun. [BLEEP!]
F Well, hello there. This is the infamous BOOZE CROTCH calling you back to give a shout-out to that feller who was asking, “By, what the hell happened to Hip Hop Karaoke? Where the hell is Booze Crotch?” Well, my sweet boozey-boy, I can’t tell yous what happened to Hip Hop Karaoke—although I do hope it returns soon—but I can tell you where Booze Crotch is. I’m keeping my B.A.C. at a healthy 2.3 down at Café Cleopatre. I tells you, just this past weekend, I wrestled in pink Jell-O while wearing a RAINBOW BIKINI and a scary balding clown-man mask. And this was after a drunken round of Bareoke. In fact, my little bottle of sunshine, I dedicate that performance to you, darlin’. Every staggered and jagged moment of ’er. Now before I toddles off for a little glass of rum, if any one of you want to get in on the craziness, come one, come all and cum all over me on March 23, 24, 25 at Café Cleo’s for The Glam Gam Little Bo Peep Show. It’s gonna be titillating. [BLEEP!]
F It’s Old Boozey callin’ you back again. Old Boozey Booze Crotch. I forgot to say Happy Valentine’s Day. Wait—is that today? Oh shit. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I want to rant about the GREEN LINE and the STM system. I remember I used to live in Cote-Vertu on the ORANGE line. And every time I would get off at the last stop, it would be, like, [pleasantly] “Merci pour avoir voyager avec le STM. Bonne journée.” But when I get off the Green line at Angrignon now, where I live, it’s like, [not so pleasantly] “Merci d’avoir voyager avec le STM.” No “Bonne journée,” no “Bonne soirée,” no nothing. What, people on the Green Line don’t deserve a good day? It’s like, “Hey, thanks for using the shitty Green line. Fuck yourself.” I’m just saying that us Green liners, we need some love too. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M Hey la, la, ça va faire, tabernac! I can’t handle this HORSE CRAP any longer. What the fuck is going on with the CONSTRUCTION on fucking Parc Avenue? They’ve been at it for fucking six years. Quit it already! I need to go shopping at PA and I can’t because of y’all fuckers. [BLEEP!]
M Regarding the SAGGY PANTS debate, you’re all wrong. I asked my boy, Supreme, about why people wore black, fucking baggy pants in the ghetto and it turns out it’s a COCK REFERENCE. Like everything else in the world, it’s a cock reference. My dick is too big to fit in regular-size pants. All right? So shut up. [BLEEP!]
M Do you want to know why people wear baggy or sagging pants? It’s so that they can steal easily at Wal-Mart or the depanneur. [BLEEP!]
M About the saggy pants. They indeed did come from ghettos, but it was not to do with not affording clothes. It had to do with avoiding being SEARCHED by the POLICE. Police were always searching young African American males and so they chose to wear the pants down so that they couldn’t be concealing any weapons. And that is the genesis of the saggy pants trend. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I’m calling to rant about the TD Canada Trust on Mont-Royal and St-Urbain. I always go to TD and I LOVE every branch, but this one is a FREAK SHOW. First of all, they make me feel like a CRIMINAL just because I’m cashing a cheque on Sunday, and I cashed a cheque as well on Friday. Like, I’m not allowed to have two paycheques cashed in one week? They GRILL me about how often my jobs pay me, where I work, and they make me feel like I’m lying to them even though I know I’m telling the truth. And they all stare at you when you walk in the door at the same time and they all say BONJOUR at the same time. They’re like Stepford Wives bank-telling freaks! The only reason I went is because it’s open on Sundays! [BLEEP!]
M This is for all the people that hang around at deps cashing in their LOTTERY TICKETS for half an hour at a time. I have amazing news for you. There’s this place now, apparently it’s been there for a while, it’s called a CASINO. You got there and there are MACHINES—they don’t even need people—whose job is to take your money, eliminating the MIDDLE MAN who has other clients to serve, people buying milk, chocolate, SLUSHIES, beers and such. Look into it. The casino. It’s one central place and as I say, it’s very, very accommodating. If you just want to pump money into a machine, no human interaction whatsoever, you can do that. If you want to take the stakes a little higher, play a little cards, you can do that, with actual people. But STOP SCRATCHING your winnings and your cards at the dep. Take a night on the town instead. Take your six bucks and really live. [BLEEP!]
F Ok I’m just curious, If I was go to the, like, GARDEN where they have all the BUTTERFLIES—I’m willing to go, I’m willing to check it out, but I’m scared of bugs—if I go there and a butterfly lands on me and I freak out and I KILL it, and I kill all the butterflies in the nearby radius, will they bill me for that shit? [BLEEP!]
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