RANT LINE™: Cocaine, tinnitus, Orla Johannes!

PLUS: Montreal men described as slim fuckin’ pickins!

by AL SOUTH

January 26, 2012

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M To that asshole who claims to be a MUSICIAN and thinks it’s okay to throw things on a stage. Tell me what band you play in and I’ll go to your next show and throw some shit on the stage! And I’ll tell you what, I’ll meet up with you after the show and we’ll see what I ram down your big fucking mouth!! You sound like you lick ass, you big fucking pussy! Anyway. I bet you don’t even play in a band, and I bet you’ve got no fucking balls. Bye, Jack. [BLEEP]

M Listen, it’s Wednesday night and I’m at my friend’s place on Hotel de Ville and we wanted to go see the Daft Punk TRIBUTE BAND that’s playing at Café Campus. But there’s a freaking GAS LEAK that’s shut down all of Prince Arthur! So I’m really f’n pissed. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Look, I’m calling the Rant Line™ now only to say that sometimes people are so fucked up. Fuck off! Come on, give a gal a break. Live it up a little, yo, this is the NEW BEAT GENERATION. I’m tired of going out to parties and people are just stuck in the CORNER. They are not living it up. It’s time to live it up, yo. Later. Peace, yo. Peace Rant Line™. Peace, yo. See you later, yo, bye. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say to all you Biftek assholes who think that people don’t know you’re on COKE—I can see you licking your lips, sucking on your gums and touching your noses. I can see right through you. I can see through your skin. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Be ashamed. [BLEEP!]

F I have a much greater problem than Terry Dimonte on the radio. What about ORLA JOHANNES with her ringa-linga tinnitus voice!? And who ever heard of anyone referring to Jean Talon as John Talon? Asian tourists do better than that. Why not ship her off to Calgary. Someone should tell the glam-puss wannabe that Hollywood fame awaits her in Calgary. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, I’m calling about the MONTREAL MEN Peter Pan shit. The top three differences between Montreal and New York men are: Number one, confidence. New York men will just approach you on the street and tell you that you’re beautiful. Montreal men cast FURTIVE GLANCES and hide until you approach them. Number two, work ethic. It’s super expensive to live in New York, so the men are dedicated, determined and at the top of their game in their field, which is sexy as hell. Montreal men live on EI, welfare and artists grants, paying the cheapest rent in the fuckin’ world, and as such have little ambition or drive. They are just trying to get by. Number three, there are more of them in New York. Here the ratio is like two to three women to every guy, so it’s slim fuckin’ pickins. Montreal has a MATRIARCHY and this is the price we’re paying for power. Single ladies are fighting over CRUMBS. There are some beautiful, hard-working men in this city, but they are definitely not the hipsters in THE Mile End or Plateau. They’re in RADICAL ASS places like St-Henri and NDG. And we gotta find a way to get them out on the scene and hook ’em up with some beautiful ladies. This shit has got to change. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F New York men are not the centre of the universe, so why rant and make a flap about Montreal’s apparent overgrown juvenile clowns. The components are still the same—they still CHEAT, lie and scratch their butts in public. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is the person that called last week about the Montreal Peter Pans. First of all, I’d like to apologize if it sounded SEXIST because that wasn’t the intent. And second of all, I’d like to say that we all agree that there’s some good Montreal men—there’s nothing wrong with us all needing a little bit of NURTURING. However, there is some evidence that suggests that men in Quebec, compared to men in the U.S., Italy and English Canada, are less likely to do HOUSEWORK. They’re more likely to do HARD DRUGS, they’re less committed in relationships, they’re less likely to do well in high school. Which all suggests that maybe these aren’t the best men to be meeting. And as a single woman in Montreal, in the past couple of weeks alone I’ve dealt with a guy throwing a HISSY FIT and running out because I wasn’t interested in him, a guy sending drinks over through a female bartender and then having absolutely nothing to say to me, and another guy I texted telling him I was HORNY AS FUCK texted me back “LOL.” And there are countless other inappropriate stories from my friends that I can’t really say here. So what we are saying is that we are looking for respectful Montreal men who are mature, responsible, sexual and assertive. And if you can throw in an ounce of sweetness please give me your email address so I can make BABIES with you and spread the good GENES. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Maroon 5. Did that DIRTY SLUT leave an e-mail address or a phone number so I can take her up on her offer? [BLEEP!]

M Yo, for the STUPID ANGLOPHONE who called to ask which CHEEK they should kiss first—you can kiss whichever cheek you want. You don’t follow a pattern, it’s just random. What kind of question is that? It’s a stupid question. And the fucking answer is kiss whatever you want, you asshole. [BLEEP!]

F The first time is the left side. I hope that answers the question. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Often two people go for the same side and they fuck it all up. But never mind kissing or hand-shakes—too many GERMS. Go for the good old hug. Hugging heals a lot of hurts. [BLEEP!]

M Biking in the winter should be illegal. [BLEEP!]