The beaver cleaver

The Canadian beaver, unwittingly dragged into a fight to retain its place as the symbol of national pride, has a new enemy.

Last week, Senator Nicole Eaton called on the government to retire the beaver as Canada’s national emblem, arguing the polar bear was a more appropriate image than a “dentally defective rat.”

– The National Post

Dear Prime Minister Harper,

This letter humbly joins the Honorable Nicole Eaton in solidarity, requesting that the beaver be retired as our national emblem. Prime Minister Harper (can I call you Steve? How about Steve-meister? Steve-a-rino?), let’s face the facts: while the beaver was once a symbol of the Canadian hardworking ethic and of the fur trade upon which this country was founded, this is no longer the late 1600s. Things have changed. For one, beaver hats are no longer in fashion. (Granted, if this was about Canadian-based fashion, maybe our national emblem should be those new Denim Disco Pants from American Apparel, hawt!). Also, Canada = hardworking? Have you even been to Montreal? It’s a town that’s so laid back, our idea of an executive deci­sion is switching from soy to regular milk in their afternoon latte. Also, the fur trade may have been what built this country, but these days, harvesting fur is just irresponsible and, frankly, completely passé. Just ask Paul McCartney, who spent hours flying helicopters over the Arctic to watch seals being culled and then going on national TV to express his outrage. Never mind that seals are currently over-populated and will probably die worse deaths from starvation in the wild, or that entire communities are dependent on the hunt, or that flying a helicopter for hours in the Arctic was probably horrific for the environment. But who am I to argue with the guy who wrote “Band on The Run”? That is a great song.

Why don’t we take a second to look at a few other countries and see what they’ve got going on: Hmm. America has the bald eagle, China has the dragon, Mexico the jaguar, the U.K. has the lion and Japan has a wide-eyed cartoon sparkly kitten that morphs into a tentacled rapist demon. See a trend here? They’re all badass creatures. Canada should rightly follow suit. But yes, while we may not want to be as predatory as the U.S. animal or as proud as the U.K.’s, we should certainly find an animal more akin to the Canadian way of life. Here’s a short list:

Moose

Nothing says Canada more than the moose. These creatures are huge, unwieldy and slow moving; if somehow they could be taught to divert federal money into their own pockets, they’d be a perfect symbol for the Canadian Parliament.

Cougars

While out in the open, they are mostly harmless. When in a tightly enclosed area, these creatures become vicious and relentless, going after prey much younger than themselves. Check out happy hour at Thursday’s bar on Crescent to see what I mean. The feline version is pretty scary, too.

Polar Bear

Sure, this beautiful Arctic creature’s habitat is getting so effed up that it’s starting to raid northern human settlements for their food and garbage. But really, what’s cooler than a polar bear? The answer: a polar bear with sunglasses. Maybe he’s drinking a Coke (possible sponsorship deal?). Just sayin’.

My cat Hercules

Hercules is majestic and friendly, just like this wonderful country of ours. But just as Canadians will only be pushed so far, Hercules will certainly give you what for if you rub his belly the wrong way. Yes, he was born with some affliction that makes his neck crooked, and we have to feed him special pills and rub him with ointments for his goobery eye, but the guy can play fetch and he looks like a croissant when he sleeps. And these are all things that we love about Canada.

So there you go, Steve-a-lama-ding-dong, just a few great suggestions for what our national animal might be. Why don’t you take a minute and think about it. Meanwhile, I’ll just get Her­cules here ready by brushing his marvelously healthy coat and rubbing him with exotic liniments (did I mention he plays fetch?).

Oh, and while we’re at it, could we change the maple leaf in the flag? How about we just switch the leaf with a red hand flippin’ the bird. It’s way more badass and it sort of looks like that anyway. Thanks Stevester! ■

RIFF.RAFF.MTL@GMAIL.COM

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