RANT LINE™: Gun, goat, cack, ass Mohawk, shedding an egg!

PLUS: NoAH vs 88!!

by AL SOUTH

September 22, 2011

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F Who the fuck is Polkadot Cadaver and who still uses MySpace? [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I’m calling because I’m a musician in Montreal and, lately, I played a show for Turbo Productions, which is a production crew in Montreal that has been doing indie shows lately. I believe that between 30 and 40 people showed up at the show, it was $10 a person and they gave all three bands $50 and they kept the rest. So, basically, you do the math. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

M Here’s to the person who’s giving weekly installments of unwritten rules. Rule #1 was, if you’re at a concert and there’s someone in front of you blocking your view, don’t bother that person. You should be the one to move. Well, I was at the Black Keys concert in July at the Bell Centre. I bought what I thought would be great tickets. Well, guess what? I couldn’t see the performers on stage because everyone was standing up, including a huge member of the security staff who had a big head, thick neck and SHERMAN TANK shoulders. When I asked him to move, he refused and just continued standing there, blocking my view. Even after we contacted head of security, this person refused to move. He just placed himself in front of me and took away my view of the show. Can I just say that one more time? He took away my view of the show. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, this is NoAH, small-time tagger calling from west NDG. I want to know who’s the motherfucker who keeps going over my shit with the number 88. If you think you’re being clever, you’re not. Here I am, trying to get up and I’ve got some clown-ass going over it with the numbers 88. Do you know what AH stands for? Assholes and that’s what you are, buddy. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, here’s a rant, so listen up. I’m walking along Sherbrooke street, 11 o’clock at night, right in the heart of the Golden Square Mile, when these two guys in their early 20s come up to me. One of them is French, one of them is Moroccan-looking. They ask me if speak French. I say, “Of course, I do.” So he says, “Listen, I’m really in a shithole right now. I need 80 bucks and I have a GUN. It’s worth $300 for sale, right here in this bag.” And this is right in front of the goddamn Ritz Carlton. And I just look at him and laugh and say, “Look, buddy, I don’t need your gun and you should not be handling things that are meant for ADULTS.” [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. This is the girl who ranted about the SECURITY GUARD who followed me around in 4 Frères. I just want to say you started a beautiful friendship between he and I, and I just really wanted to thank the person who published my rant and my mom and, really, the entire staff at Taco Bell. You guys just made it all possible and I love you. Love, Kate. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’ve got a rant, actually. How come, if I compliment another dude’s CACK in a men’s room, I’m the asshole? [BLEEP!]

M Somebody please explain to me again why white people need dreadlocks? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is about the guys who post on Craigslist about how they need a LADY/FEMALE to clean their house. Fuck you guys. You’re LAZY. Learn how to do your own dishes. No, I will not clean your room. No, I will not scrub your POTS and PANS. Do it yourself! [BLEEP!]

M Oh my god, where do I begin? Okay, NVP, you ignorant moron, do you even know what Satanism is? I am not talking about the Christian view of Satanism. You know, Lucifer or BETELGEUSE or whatever. I’m talking about Satanism as a personal philosophy, in the sense that you are the MASTER of your own life. Seriously, man, did your relatives even know what kind of Satanism they were talking about? I’m pretty sure they were just bullying you and saying, “Hail Satan, drink beer” without even knowing what they were talking about. Satanism is a philosophy of life. I’m not talking about GOAT-SACRIFICING or MASSIVE ORGIES. Oh my god, I almost face-palmed. On a side note, NVP, you’ve already had your 15 minutes of fame in the Rant Line™. Just do yourself a favour and move along. [BLEEP!]

M Dear girl who called in last week to give her opinion on shaved pussies. Your rant was so sexy. Your rant made my EIGHT INCHER so freaking hard. Please tell me where you work. You won’t regret it. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, look, guys like hair on pussy because it proves to them that the pussy is RIPE, that the pussy is mature, that it SHEDS AN EGG every month. Now, myself, I’m bald, only because when I try to design a landing strip or an arrow or a V, it gets hacked to shreds. So now, out of laziness and convenience, I just shave all the time. But I was at a strip club once and this girl shocked my pants off when she took off her little robe on stage and she had a bush that was nicely trimmed but had a lot of hair. Like, I’d never seen a woman with that much hair at a strip club past the year 1992, if you will. But I still keep shaving mine because if I don’t, it’s the equivalent of wearing underwear, because that’s how much my hair grows. So what I want to know is, can you guys name me a place that, when you get a bikini wax, also gets the ASS CREASE? Because I’m telling you, I got a bikini wax and they did not get my ass crease, so I had an ASS MOHAWK and I was not representing the Natives. [BLEEP!]