RANT LINE™: Polkadot Cadaver, Satanism, DJ the Witch Doctor!

PLUS: Car surfing criticized as idiotic!!

by AL SOUTH

September 8, 2011

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hey Rant Line™, I was at the Polkadot Cadaver show two weeks ago at the Katacombes and, to my dismay, I was only one of a handful of people there. We’re talking about Polkadot Cadaver, formerly Dog Fashion Disco, a legendary band from BALTIMORE that is basically the best thing to happen to music since Faith No More, since MR. BUNGLE, which is saying a lot! SHAME on the Katacombes for not promoting the crap out of this show, shame on the Mirror for not taking note of the show anywhere, shame on Johnson Cummins, who should have mentioned this show in his column. And, more importantly, shame on all Montreal music fans for letting such a great band down. If you don’t know Polkadot Cadaver, you can listen to the last album, which is called Sex Offender, it’s all on YouTube.[BLEEP!]

M [w/preposterous fake British accent] Well, I’m an OLD FART and Rear-View Mirror is one of my favourite features in the weekly Mirror giveaway that I’ve been picking up for so many years, and I was so heartened to find reference to DJ THE WITCH DOCTOR in your most recent issue. And I’ll tell you why—I was, once upon a time, a noble DJ in a local watering hole that, in its time, was locally fantigulous— that’s ridiculous, fantastic and conspicuous, altogether in one word—and the Witch Doctor had, prior to my residency, been something of a fixture at said den of iniquity. Alas, he would come back in and try to hijack my turntables, introducing himself as DJ the Witch Doctor, with the article THE in his sentence. Not “Witch Doctor” or “I’m a DJ. I’m called Witch Doctor” but instead, “Have you heard of me? I’m DJ the Witch Doctor.” And for all his 40s and 60s music, his jump blues and western swing, psychobilly and surf, he also fancied himself a junglist and a drum and bass DJ. And he would like to plug his vintage microphone into the public address system and TOAST [briefly imitates preposterous Jamaican toasting]. I believe he must be nearly a SEPTUAGENARIAN now because he was already quite the bald-haired, greying old fuck back in those days. I could only hope that your publication referenced him in Rear-View because of HINDSIGHT HILARITY and not because of any real credibility. Because DJ the Witch Doctor SUCKED. He fucked many of my sets up because of the privilege he was given and the pomposity he took for himself, and the lack of confidence I had in my younger years to be quite the one to say no. Well, Witch Doctor, if I could tell you no now, I’d tell you no. Hell no. Nobody gives a damn about your fake Jamaican voice! [BLEEP!]

M Hey ranters, this is for the guy who dropped the RIMBAUD name. You just proved the other guy right by comparing our 20-somethings to an 18th century poet. You know, I bet you’re an ENGLISH LIT DORK from Concordia who holds a useless degree, has an egocentric, self righteous, unpublished novel and a shitty blog about avant-garde indie music. You call that an achievement to compare to a literary anomaly? And another thing to put out there, Rimbaud gave up writing. You should give up ranting. Listen to the music. [BLEEP!] F Hi, I’m calling for this guy, Shoney, who claimed that he’s from this GANG in Montreal—I’m not even going to say the gang name because it’s so DISRESPECTFUL. How could you come onto the Rant Line™ claiming that you’re in this gang? You’re in Montreal, buddy. First of all, I hope someone finds you for the disrespect that you just caused to their name and, second of all, don’t blast it out in the newspaper, buddy. What’s wrong with you? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™. I was just wondering if there’s a SATANIC movement in Montreal. I’m planning on studying Satanism for a religion course and I was hoping there was a BLACK MASS I could attend. I know you guys are very secretive, but if there’s something I could just go to and observe without being converted or SACRIFICED, just let me know and that would be cool. All right? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling to rant about a few things. First of all, why do tourists walk around with SAFARI HATS and water bottles strapped all over their goddamned body? There’s a depanneur on every corner, why do they need so much water? And what’s with the freaking safari hat? We’re not in Africa. And the second thing is what’s with these little short-shorts for men? Do not wear these short-shorts for men. Especially if your BELLY RATIO is two to one. Belly vs legs. And especially with a faux-hawk. Oh my God. [BLEEP!]

M Definitely, Montreal has become the gay cruise ship to hell. It’s like a HOMO HEAD GAME hotel. [BLEEP!]

M Well, well, well, I was watching the news and once again, we have another incident of CAR SURFING in Montrreatening injuries and her stupid sister is going to be charged. And I hope to God when the other one gets out of the hospital, she gets charged too. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. Hi. My friend’s dancing like a ROBOT and I’m listening to Secret Weapon and drinking wine for the first time in 10 days—I had bronchitis, what the fuck? We have allergies and we want to stick knives up our noses? Also, as a postscript, I’d like to include the fact that I’m feeling good in my JEANS. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I was just digging through a DUMPSTER looking for something to eat and I found this pizza box and it had fucking mushrooms, tomatoes and pineapple—what is wrong with you people? [BLEEP!]