Where the breakfast is topless and coffee is bottomless
by SARAH MUSGRAVE
To step through the door of a serveuses sexy joint is to enter a strange limbo land that hovers permanently between the night before and the morning after. From the outside, the windows are dark and impenetrable. Inside, these shadowy scoff-and-skin establishments bustle all day long with motomullets and blue-collar crews taking full advantage of slapdown food, sitdown porn and lowdown prices. There’s something distinctly Made in Quebec about the breast-fast experience, where the urge for flesh and the urge for food clash in front of topless waitresses serving bottomless cups of coffee. Perhaps the weirdest part is that when a naked woman stands before you, you feel you should be dropping cutlery instead of using it to dig into a Western omelette.
Les Princesses Super Sexy
First of all, get your banners straight: are the girls here “super sexy” or “très très sexy”? The satellite atop this boxy building competes with the semi-erect Olympic Stadium tower nearby. Within, blonde on redhead kink competes with sports on wall-mounted TVs. Three girls work peak hours: one brunette was the girl next door (no, unfortunately, the other next door) while a little blonde in stacked sandals looked like a human version of My Little Pony. We got the hottest server, with a real nice smile like it’s 1972.
Le Camionneur (“The Trucker”) breakfast provides three eggs, three meats, French toast and fèves au lard. Daily lunch specials feature spaghetti boulette or inexplicable crab quiche, start with chicken and rice soup and end with the holy dessert trinity: Jello, sugar pie or pudding chômeur. Meals are served on moulded plastic plates, just like in the hospital! Coffee is $2, beer is $2.50 – your call. 4970 Hochelaga, 255-0003; 5 a.m. to midnight weekdays, 9 p.m. weekends
Serveuses Super Sexy
The door swings open from the street right onto the counter, where one full-on nude girl attends to customers. Her only coverings are her heavy black shoes and the elastics on her long blonde pigtails. The perkiest waitress we encountered, she giggles and jiggles between tables in the long, narrow room outfitted with mirrors to better watch her cum and go. While the owner/impresario works the grill in a lab coat, TVs feature hot birdcage scenes of leatherette women trying to break through the bars to give blowjobs to studly men – just like in real life.
While some Houellebecquian clients merely drink beer and smoke, hamburger steaks and other specials are available for lunch and dinner. Breakfast comes with a choice of white or crusty bread and fresh fruit: orange, tomato or banana. The waitress suggests bananas – they’re her favourite! 2205 Rosemont E., 723-7772, Mon. to Sat. 5 a.m. to 8 p.m.
A truly retro endroit, with cozy booth seating, soaps on TV instead of porn and atmospheric lighting from Venetian blinds playing over dark walls. The vintage waitress – M-m-m-mommy? – may have gotten a senior’s discount on her boob job. She sports white running shoes, a belt, black garter, and tats on both tits, one of which says “mon amour” (yeah, baby, that means you). Keys on a string tourniqueted around her upper arm tinkle when she moves.
All-day breakfast options include the one-egged Le Solitaire (aka Just Kill Me Now) and the McMuffin Les Courtisanes, fairly palatable if you can overlook the ashen potatoes and anaemic coffee. For full meals, check the “international” section of the menu, where a pic of an Asian nudie thoughtfully graces the list of clichéd Chinese dishes. 2533 Ste-Catherine E., 523-3170, daily 5:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.