home Dear Sasha Bleaching your butthole

Bleaching your butthole

Dear Sasha, I enjoy anal sex, but I dislike my brownish coloured winky. (I hate the term asshole, it rings badly in my ears, actually I don’t like the term “hole” to describe a mouth, pussy or ass, it sounds crude!!) Anyway that’s beside the point. I want to light­en things up and have been out of luck!

Please don’t tell me to accept it. The truth is I have a thing with being very clean. I shower to feel fresh in the morning, shower before bed to feel fresh, if I workout I shower afterwards, and in the summer if it’s really humid or I went swimming/tanning I shower again.

Every time I go number two, I use Wet Ones after wiping. I make sure things are clean. I also use the showerhead to cleanse every day or two and I use Fleet products every few days. I’m a little OCD about a few things, but I’ve worked as a massage therapist for many years and I’ve seen enough stained sheets and gotten enough whiffs of foul asses. People have no shame. You cannot do a number two, wipe with a piece of toilet paper and expect things to be fresh.

Many men have hairy asses as well, which harbours bacteria and sweat and god knows what else. I’m already disgusted. In all honesty, I like bisexual men—they’re generally very clean, take care of body hair etc. and anyway, I’m open-minded. Sorry, I tend to talk a lot about a wide variety of subjects but I don’t meet a lot of very open people and the privacy of e-mail feels comfortable!

I want a lighter-coloured tushy area, cream coloured, pinkish just not brown! I’m not looking for a perfect pink rosebud, but I’d be happy if it were lighter. I find it prettier to the eye and it would make me happier overall. I’ve googled a variety of spas in Montreal and called quite a few as well, and no one seems to offer it. With all the gay men and sex workers in the city it seems to me that this service must exist? I know there are quite a few creams you can buy online but the reviews don’t look promising! Do these work? So Sasha, any recommendations? Do you know of anyone that offers this service in the downtown area that will actually work?

—Sabrina

Dear Sabrina,

The fact that you call your asshole your winky is hardly beside the point. It is precisely the point. You have turned a complex, erogenous and essential body part into a Doris Day song. The obsessive enemas (not good for you at all—dries out the passage, making fissures in the delicate tissue all the more possible), the mad cleanliness, the bacteria hysteria…I think all these things need to be seriously addressed rather than just sloughed off as you having a bit of OCD.

Sure, some of the creams (which, by the way, are banned in the U.K. and France) work and here’s how: they burn the pigment out of some of the most vital skin on your epidermis. You don’t have to be a turd specialist to know that this is a very bad idea.

Your asshole has one of the most important roles in your body. Damaging it so that you’re more comfortable with its appearance is inviting the kind of hubris that a woman like you, so possessed by an unhinged standard of cleanliness, should not court. Trust me, Sabrina, having a brown anus is better than having one which requires the assistance of a bag in order to function. Please think twice about applying a mercury-based cream to achieve a small amount of superficial comfort.