F I just wanted to say that I went to Café Pi on St-Laurent and it was the stinkiest place I ever walked into. Can you please print this to tell those CHESS PLAYERS to take showers? I'm sick of walking around in the city and smelling B.O. everywhere. I don't need to sit in a room and play chess and have to put up with all of these people with B.O. Thank-you. [BLEEP!]

F Big up to A-Trak, the new DJ for Kanye West. Two months on tour. It was excellent. It put Montreal on the map again. [BLEEP!]

F I noticed the Mirror published an article about the Elizabeth Fry Society and their shoplifting prevention program. I would just like to say that I have been calling them for months because I have a shoplifting problem but they never return my calls. I have several friends who also have shoplifting problems and they never return their calls either. So I'd like to say that if Elizabeth Fry does not return my calls soon, I will just have to go down to the Elizabeth Fry Society and steal everything I can from there. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M The loser who called to defend M-39 is obviously a grower who barely smokes. If he cared about QUALITY HERB more than profit, he'd realize that M-39 only gets the job done for his wallet and not for experienced smokers like myself who want to get stoned. He grows the - oh, and I quote - "standard cheap commercial shit" because he's got a business to run. And, by the way, 90 days to grow other kinds? Yeah, sure, if you've got a sativa from Thailand maybe, but there are plenty of strains - far more potent than M-39 - that mature in 50 to 55 days. And you say the alternative is outdoor? I've got nothing wrong with outdoor except for the fact that it's nowhere to be found because everyone's got M-39. Finally, I just found some bomb ass Great White Shark for 30 bucks for a three-and-a-half. Dude, I've been growing, selling, buying, smoking for over 12 years, so if you don't know what you're talking about, keep your mouth shut. [BLEEP!]

M I just wanted to rant about the person who talked about the junkies on St-Dominique, behind 4 Frères. I just wanted to say that those guys are not junkies, but they are mentally challenged or whatever. Don't mistake them for the junkies on the east side. Take some time to learn about your city. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, Homeless Dude, I'll make you a deal. I'll sit down and talk to you and be loving, compassionate and supportive and listen to your problems, find out how you got to your station in life if you'll return me the favour of not hitting me up for something at the end of our conversation or trying to make me feel guilty for getting my ass out of bed and going to work in the morning to get what little I have. So when you're ready to do that, I'll be ready to sit down and talk about how you ended up without a home. [BLEEP!]

M Look, I don't want to be an asshole, but could all you squeegee punks fuck off? I have no change for you. Get your hair cut and get a job. [BLEEP!]

M I don't know if people already know this but the metro cops, they're racist. This isn't some FRIVOLOUS CLAIM that I'm just making up to point a finger. If you listen to them in conversation, it's ridiculous. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'm just calling because I'm kind of fed up of not being able to walk into a public washroom in Montreal in all the malls, in the theatres, everywhere, because you have a bunch of guys whacking off at the urinals. However, you go into a gay club and, at the urinals, everyone's hiding themselves. How come they can do it all downtown but, in their own village, they cover themselves up? I don't understand it. Go and whack off at your own place. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I'm a black female, looking to meet another female - black, white or whatever but you gotta be sexy and cute. I left my girlfriend in England and I miss her so much. I'm just wondering if anyone knows where I can meet some OPEN-MINDED GIRLS to hang out with, you know? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is Time. For the person who's ranting about Izabelle Desjardins and the fear of her BUTT, who the hell is Izabelle Desjardins? But anyway, if you're intimidated by a woman's butt, well, it's just a butt. Everybody has an ass and kids these days are scaring me with their phobias of body parts. You should've gone up and talked to her instead of being in fear of her butt and hiding at home. Hell, celebrities are human beings, just like the homeless people. People are people. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Are there other body parts of members of the local music scene that people should be afraid of?