by LORRAINE CARPENTER

"What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling from both sides of his mouth? The stage is level."

Okay. Apparently some people are amused by such demeaning "jokes," scurrilous anti-art speech that sullies the Internet like a morbidly obese leper in a windstorm. Of course, there are similar gibes about musicians of every ilk on the same Web site (www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/), from bassoonists to pianists to flautists, but there seems to be a special place in satirical hell reserved for the guitarist. Moreover, a glance at today's most popular rock bands suggests a disturbing trend. As Lynn Margolis wondered in a recent Christian Science Monitor article about the Crossroads Festival, "Where are the young players?"

Where are the new Claptons, Hendrixes, Pages and Van Halens? Has popular music killed the guitar solo? Don't kids strum tennis rackets (or air) in their bedrooms anymore?

These questions weren't on Patrick Gagnon's mind when the Montreal promoter attended this summer's Crossroads, an annual charity event held in Dallas, Texas, celebrating the glory of the riff. As he basked in Guitarmageddon (one of the festival's contests), Gagnon intuitively picked the winner, Michael Kelsey, even before he started playing.

"He was the last one on stage, and when he arrived, I was sure he would win," says Gagnon. "He did the same thing the other five or six guitarists did before him, but the way he did it was incredible - just the way he moved was very, very, very nice. And he won."

Boy could he play guitar

Showmanship. Versatility. Technique. These are the central criteria in Gagnon's own contest, a quest for the local lord of the six-string. Guitar Hero is an extension (by popular demand) of last spring's Drummer Kombat, where drummers duelled in a makeshift boxing ring at Foufounes.

"There are guitar contests across the world, but none of them have the head-to-head battle," says Gagnon, who's taking his drummer tournament across Canada and plans to do the same with Guitar Hero.

To qualify for the grand finale at Club Soda on Dec. 7, guitarists must record a 45-second video at Steve's Music on or before this Saturday, Sept. 11. From these tapes, a lucky 60 will be chosen to perform on Tuesday evenings at Foufounes, from Sept. 21 to Nov. 30, showcasing their skill, stage presence and dexterity with rock, blues and classical styles.

The duels will take place on two parallel catwalks jutting into the crowd, with the guitarists giving it their all at either tip, backed by a wall of Marshall amps and lit by a pro, a former employee of the Bell Centre. The rotating jury will include Stéphane Dufour (from Eric Lapointe's band), Pascal Dufour (the Respectables), Rudy Caya (Villain Pingouin), Steve Hill and Stéfie Shock.

Though Gagnon hasn't seen the audition tapes, the staff at Steve's say they've recorded several awesome players, including a couple of women. Gagnon predicts a wide age range including teens, despite the lack of young guitar heroes in the mainstream. Apart from the notoriety, the champion will win $10,000 in gear and a trip to Mexico. First and second runner-ups will also receive thousands of dollars in gear, and a tattoo from Superock.

Do you have an axe to grind? Are you the next guitar hero?

Guitar Hero auditions at Steve's Music (51 St-Antoine W., 878-2216) during business hours until Saturday, Sept. 11. Info at www.guitareheros.org

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