by CHRIS BARRY

Lordy, lordy, there be some bad acting to behold in this sophomoric remake of the highly touted, award-winning 1996 French flick, L'Appartement. And while it's difficult to determine who delivers the truly blandest performance in this thoroughly unnecessary piece de merde, my personal nomination goes to star Josh Hartnett. His total disengagement from anything resembling character makes his apparent role model Keanu Reeves seem downright multidimensional.

Yup, with the exception of local lovely Jessica Paré - who isn't afforded enough screen time to really mess up her role- - this is some of the most embarrassingly terrible acting I've witnessed in a long time. One could even argue Wicker Park is worth seeing in a Showgirls or Coyote Ugly kind of way, just for, if nothing else, the sheer pleasure of enjoying the insufferably annoying cast struggle through some of the most pathetic dialogue this side of Pearl Harbor.

In this thinly veiled Vertigo wannabe, through the use of flashbacks, director Paul McGuigan pieces together a tale of unrequited love between Matthew (Hartnett) and enigmatic ice goddess Lisa (Diane Kruger). After two years of life in New York City, Matthew returns home to Chicago with a new fiancée and a new job. Although Matthew's convinced that he's ready to face the city where his heart was once broken by Lisa, things keep happening to remind him of her. He immediately becomes obsessive about finding her again, totally dicking his fiancée over in the process. This is apparently okay because we're pretty sure Matthew and Lisa are what you call "soulmates," though one might never know it from their lack of on-screen chemistry.

Truth is, this really isn't a half-bad narrative, as anyone who's seen L'Appartement will probably tell you. The problem, outside of the acting, is that Wicker Park has been so dumbed down for American audiences that it's just plain, uh… dumb. And even though McGuigan is a talented enough director with a compelling visual style, no amount of nifty editing or vaguely interesting camera work is going to lift Wicker Park above the mundane.

Wicker Park opens Friday, Sept. 3

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