by ALICE AND YANKA

Stuck. Stuck and scared on Monkland. Not Monk Boulevard, Ville-Émard's very own, host to crusty sidewalks, Dillalo burger joints and the rowdiest IGA in town. Non, non, NDG's Monkland Village. Ayoye. Impossible to evade the faux trend, the SUV-tanks parked like war machines everywhere or the eternally jam-packed fucking Starbucks. Nope, no way out. So west we are, west, west, west.

Ah! Ah! Caveau de Szechwan. Une cave?! Cool. Except the stairs lead to a real basement, where, sadly, one can't eat even if one doesn't mind sitting on the floor. The processus of auto-digestion is well enclenché so up we run, along with Laverne, driver and casualty of the day, who's hungover and turns beet red as soon as the young dashing waiter says good evening.

There's two of them, actually, brothers Samuel ("Call me Sam"), 23, a husky-eyed wonder, and David, 19, who's on his way to becoming a massothérapeute. They both sport shag hairdos and suffer from mild cases of diastema. When they were young, they used to fight all the time and David se faisait fesser d'ssus sans bon sang par son grand frère mais maintenant, y sont chums. Mom is there too, laughing the whole time and whipping her progeny back to work when necessary. Of course, papa cooks and probably looks hotter than Hell.

The whole place is covered in lilac paint, except for the wall made out of faux rock, and save from a few habitués quietly eating, we're all alone. But it's dim and the menu is short so c'est parfait. We're told people always order the General Tao but we only like sailors and pirates so we nix it and start with #9, i.e. beignets avec sauce foncée. We have no clue what that is mais can't resist. Well, it's un grand bol de ravissement in which swim eight very firm and fine looking dumplings. Thanks to the spicy sauce foncée, tous ont un beau tan and feel fantastic sous la dent. Zilch mushy, soggy floating stuff to be found here.

#10 is hot and sour soup, always tricky. The Caveau's is un délice, une joyeuse flaque de nectar brunâtre, parsemé de fines lamelles de tofu et d'autre stuff, et fuck c'est bon! Must sample the classics, must sample the classics, Laverne repeats maniacally. #11 won ton soup: very good, she says, but what's this? Ham?! Slivers of ham?! Looks like ham, han?! C'est quoi?! Waiter, more wine s'il-vous-plait. Merci. #43, les tranches de bœuf et broccoli, c't'un autre classique ça, non?! Oui! Et c'est un kilimanjaro de beef, the whole troupeau is in here; friends of the ox, skip this one. It's good, hot, and there isn't the slightest trace of disgusting cornstarch!! And the broccoli is very green, green as les prés.

Sam has la main leste with the vino and, by now, Laverne's only concern is that the giggling bros think we have a crush on them. We're lost in the 6000s on Monkland in a faux-lilac caveau and well, Laverne's blonde. There's no chopsticks, that's a concern, and there's still # 54, les crevettes à la mode du caveau, to eat. Of course, there are more shrimps in there than teevees in America and they are all dressed in a thick coat of batter, with only a hint of tail peering out. They remind us of Captain Hook's hand surrounded by slices of ginger in a pool of light sauce. It's kind of spicy, non? Non, it's sweet, chirps Laverne, ça me tombe sur le cœur, arghhhhhhhh. We still manage to eat half of the plate because it's very good. As we attempt to get up, we get two oddly textured Chinese cookies. "Wrong number, mauvais numerou," says one. "You will get a very big raise soon," says the other. Yahoo!

Le Caveau de Szechwan
ADDRESS: 6000 Monkland
PHONE: 488-2818
HOURS: 5–10 p.m. everyday, pas de congé.
Brothers work on Saturday and Sunday.
BEST FEATURES: Les dumpling & la sauce foncée!
ALCOHOL: Yes.
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Lots of stairs.
VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY: Noodles, veggies, rice.
CREDIT CARDS: "Visa, Master Card, American Express"
sung à l'unisson by the bros. No Interac.
PRICE: $59, tip included for the whole festin, steamed rice,
1/2 litre of decent house wine, and two fortune cookies.
RATING: 9/10