Dear Sasha: I'm a girl who really likes to be spanked. My last boyfriend was really into it and I would get off with him spanking me all the time, but my new fella is not this way inclined at all. I asked him about it and he was like, "No way, I'm not going to hit you, that's just weird." I like this guy, but I really need to be spanked. How can I convince him this is fun and hot, not weird? » Little Miss Spankypants

Dear Little Miss,
I'm always a little reluctant to offer advice on how to "make" people do things. Some activities are not erotically charged for some people (and they can be as ordinary as blowjobs or doggy-style sex), and pushing them, even in a gentle way, seems the antithesis of a positive exchange, and a sure-fire way to turn them off even more. It is fair that he give your desire a chance, though.

SM is very intricate and requires a person to look beyond an ethical awareness of violence (and in his case, what human rights activists identify as the most widespread - towards women). Your boyfriend's aversion to hitting you could come from a place of real concern, and may be rooted in a former SM relationship gone awry or family violence. Discussing the source of his opposition is a good start, investing in some literature on introducing SM to a relationship is another. Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com) has some excellent resources.

There is also nothing wrong with some creative prompting. Would he be more inclined to try something you find sexy if there was some artistic presentation involved? If so, I would recommend Maria Beatty's films The Black Glove and The Elegant Spanking, available together on DVD through her Web site www.bleuproductions.com). Perhaps the fact that these films are entirely lesbian in content may help your boyfriend understand that many women, of all orientations, willingly explore these desires.

Dear Sasha: I'm a 19-year-old girl and have been going out with my 23-year-old boyfriend for four months. We have sex once or twice a week, and he's only come twice - the two first times. Now he doesn't come at all, but we can still have intercourse for hours without him coming. I'm thinking it may be because I become extremely wet during foreplay and sex and we both just don't feel anything. Is it normal to be too wet? We are both very attracted to each other, so we both don't understand. It's getting quite frustrating at this point. What gives? Is it because of my extreme wetness, or is it a psychological thing? » Helpless and Wet

Dear H and W,
I have received letters from men who have expressed difficulty ejaculating with a partner who becomes very lubricated. I have also had people tell me personally that this is both a turn off and makes sensation nugatory, in a way that was designed to elicit shame. It seems that such a flagrant sign of female eagerness can be icky to some people. Early anatomists named our genitals the pudenda, which means "shame" in Latin. We've been living with these attitudes for a long time, so it's no wonder you, and they, have complex feelings about it. But this is your body just doing what it does, and you'll meet lots of people who think your exceptional moisture is really hot.

For women, I have suggested kegel exercises, which tone vaginal muscles, to counterbalance. This will help you feel more, too. It's easy to find kegel instructions online, although if you're interested in learning more about your vagina in general, there are several excellent books on the market, one of which is The Clitoral Truth by Rebecca Chalker. You may also try other types of stimulation to bring him to orgasm, like a handjob or blowjob.

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