by ALICE AND YANKA

You know, we have just ridden a metro train dedicated entirely to Sympatico and we wonder, how in the world are we supposed to think about food and fun when all has gone to Bell-Hell?! Heureusement, y'a Herman, un vrai, un ami, un Papa, et c'est grâce à lui qu'on est allées trinquer et se bourrer la face avec seven autres joyeuses belettes au Cock 'n' Bull, dans l'wesse. It was only 24 hours ago and c'est à peine si on peut se rappeler toute la folle joie et les paroles hilarantes qui ont peuplés notre soirée.

Today, Yanka wants to take her sword through the crowd and Alice wants to boat to Alaska loin de tout ça, mais last night at the Cock & Schlock, it was magnifique! You want food? Two belles slabs de fish sauced in batter, feathers, tar, tartar, un basket de bonheur frit pour Angie. "Moi là, c'est A-1," were her words.

And the Baby Greek Burger, Alice, c'est bon?! "Mouiiiiiii!!! C'est comme mordre dans un bébé Grec, ça sent bon, c'est frais, je voudrais le serrer tendrement contre mon ample poitrine tellement c'est chouette!" cheers Alice. "Herman, don't you want your bread?"

"No, it reminds me too much of my past," says Herman, cue stick in hand, ready to knock back a few teeth and all the glasses off our table, before shooting straight dans l'mille! Raooooeoaooor!

There were huge bangers for the girls, who slipped from view for a while, so high were their piles of mashed tatties. The dish of baked eggplant on pasta with cheese fessed in the dash, as did the manly bacon burger ordered by our friend "Peter." The Cock's best partner in crime, the Chip Buttie, had been highly recommended so it made its way onto our table comme une bombe de cholesterol! C'est un BLT aux frites, emprisonné dans un fresh kaiser. Yanka s'est enfourné tout ça dans la yeule and nobody's seen Buttie ever since. Not even Marylin, la waitress super sensass qui virevolte entre les tables avec son fantastique sourire and tales of week-ends in Paris that turned into years. And the cook, Jay Jay, earns five buckets of stars for serving happy drinkers real good food, not idiotic nuked empanadas!

How fucking good this feast was! How boisterous this dark demi sous-sol is! It's like a casserole filled with a macédoine of young cocks and old bulls. Ils sont tellement beaux qu'on voudrait dérouler son sleeping bag sur les vieux bancs d'église et y passer la nuit, yes, did we mention the pool table is surrounded by church benches? C'est l'paradis! It's no surprise that Hermanski, our last hero, has been calling this worthy spot his first second home for more than 30 years.

We had a page full of quotes ready to insert here but last evening was so fine that these simply can't be arranged into organized paragraphs. Impossible. But you too can collect your own pamphlet of reactions when you treat all your friends to an evening at the Cock.

Eh, wait a minute, we did not even mention the deep-fried Mars bars!! They were gooey inside, runny with caramel, enrobées d'une belle croûte de friture, elle-même recouverte d'un ruisseau de jus d'framboises. Et une fois nos repas engouffrés, on s'est tous remis à manger d'la bière frette, for the Cock 'n' Bull is yet une autre joyeuse taverne de Montréal, aux murs plaqués de bois et de photos de PET in drag, remplie de chaises confortables et d'un staff extraordinaire où, souvent, on ne mange que du liquide.

And by the way, somebody at the C&B wants YOU, gringo. C'est Pancho Villa, encadré et perché sul mur, qui aimerait te recruter pour que tu puisses aller faire du foin à ses côtés. Next recruiting station: Juarez, in 1915. Guess who donated this wonderful poster to the C&B? Ben oui, c'est Herman!

Important warning: Jay Jay and his kitchen staff are presently on a well-deserved vacation and will not be cooking up a storm until they return on August 18.

Bull stories? cheapmotel@hotmail.com

Cock 'n' Bull
ADDRESS: 1944 Ste-Catherine W.
TELEPHONE: 933-4556
HOURS: Pub hours
KITCHEN HOURS: Mon–Sat 11AM–2PM, 5PM–3AM; Sun noon–2pm,
5pm–3AM (On vacation until Aug. 18!)
CREDIT CARDS: ATM, Interac
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Plenty of help for wheeling you into this caverne des vrais
PRICE: $54.75 for eight meals
BEST FEATURE: Our table mates, merci!!!
RATING: 100%