M It used to be that dog shit would melt away on the sidewalk from the elements washing it away. Now all the turds are preserved in these little knotted plastic bags hanging around everywhere. That's my STATEMENT on the local music scene and the local art scene. Everyone's recording, everyone's publishing, everyone's preserving their little turds for posterity. Fuck that shit. Let it all get washed away. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so we've got the Warped tour coming up on August 13 and it's a line-up of the shittiest bands known to mankind. Sure, there's a handful of good bands like Bad Religion and the Casualties, but outside of that they all suck. What's up with not including any of the other good punk bands out there? Why do they always have to include these stupid, moron bands like Good Charlotte or A Simple Plan? What the hell is happening to punk? People are out there that say they're punk, but they're not punk, they're just pieces of shit! That's all I've got to say. [BLEEP!]

M I want to rant about local radio stations, and I wonder if the Mirror would do a report on this. I'd be interested to know about a station that plays YOUNG PEOPLE'S MUSIC - not stuff which is, like, 40 years old. I never hear anything remotely similar to stuff I hear young people listening to in a bar, or on their Walkmans. I see the CDs they buy, but I don't hear that music on the radio. Thank-you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the guy who was really pissed about not being able to bring his skateboard into the Jazz fest. I hate to say it but the universe doesn't revolve around you and it's perfectly logical not to be allowed to bring a skateboard there. So if you want an audience for your tricks, you're just gonna have to earn it someplace else. [BLEEP!]

M Man, I saw more cops at the Trinidad-Tobago picnic in Angrignon Park than I saw the whole time at the Jazz festival. Now if that's not racism, I don't know what is. [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling about a little hole in the wall in NDG, aka the Sunset Bar, used to be Lenny's. There are a lot of people who think they're authorities on music in there - especially Norman. If people don't want to listen to what he wants to listen to, he throws a fit. Drinks go splashing in the air and everything else and yet everyone wonders why people don't want to go there. That's my rant. Thank-you. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who said CONSPIRACY theories are coincidence. I guess you must buy everything the White House sells you. Have a look at cooperativeresearch.org. Start reading. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, Edgar Cayce, one of his prophesies was the Anti-Christ will storm across Africa. So we see all the civil wars going on in Africa right now being caused by minerals that are worth a lot of money. Gold and diamonds and uranium. And oil. And who wants that stuff? Where is the money coming from to buy those things? That's the Anti-Christ. [BLEEP!]

M The conspiracy theory skeptic is actually the Montreal point man for the Discordian Society. The goal of this cult is PURE CONFUSION. The Discordians believe that law and conformity are evil since they stifle and imprison the soul of mankind. Only through chaos can humanity truly be free. They operate by co-opting many groups, each of which is opposed to one facet of society: unions vs. big business, federalists vs. sovereignists etc. Their trick is to control so many groups that the overall power structure can combat everything. Quebecor Media taking over the Mirror was the first item on their agenda. The logo of a Q with an M in it is obviously an occult symbol. Oops, I've said too much, haven't I? [BLEEP!]

F [With a group of females cheering her on in the background] If I had to shit on the doorstep of every man who has ever broken my heart, or for every boss who has treated me badly, I'd have to eat beans for a week, drink copious amounts of coffee and smoke several cigarettes. And I might have to do some coke as well. [Begins farting into the receiver to the delight of her friends] [BLEEP!]

M Hi, it's DIAPER BOY here, the guy who called a few years ago who likes to walk around in diapers. No more fetish nights, no more fetish clubs in this city - I don't know what's happened to the scene. It's getting hard to find a place to wear diapers and be out and about. I can't go around too easily in public in them so, anyway, I'm just wondering where the scene is. If anybody knows, give the Rant Line™ a call. [BLEEP!]

F This is a rant concerning people being so RUDE in Montreal. Like, I don't understand why people say Canadians are friendly. I disagree. I've been here for six years and people aren't. So there you go. Hold the door for me next time you see me. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum