The harder
they come

A handy guide to cruising the spunkiest spots in the city

by CHRIS BARRY with CHRIS MACKINNON

Ah yes, summer in the city. That special time of year when a young man's thoughts turn to penises. And Lord knows there be no shortage of erections looking to bump uglies come Pride week.

Given that many of these erections come from out of town, the Mirror thought it prudent to provide a short guide to a few choice spots where one can find a nice one to tug on without actually having to waste any time engaging in any significant courtship-type nonsense with its owner.

To help us in this crucially important endeavour we turned to ace cocksmith Chris Mackinnon, a burgeoning local filmmaker with Volatile Works, who knows his cruising locations like nobody's business, having been gnawing down on strangers in the great outdoors for more years than he'd probably like to remember. So, with no further adieu, here is one very big fag's cruising advice to all you boner-sporting tourists out there and to all those locals who love you - but not quite enough to do you at home.

PEEP SHOWS

Ste-Catherine W. at de la Montagne

This place is best late at night when you get all these straight Crescent Street boys who couldn't get laid opting to come in here for a better blow job anyway. It can get very hot! And at noon hour you can usually find businessmen at this location who will definitely drop their pants and/or numb their knees for some non-wifey-wife lunch.

St-Laurent at Ste-Catherine

Best in the afternoons when the crack addicts are all out in the sun workin'/stealin' and not in the peep shows offering dry-mouthed blowjobs for two bucks. But be careful - the theatre area inside is way too scary: "Ouch, was that a syringe I just sat on?" Very early weekend mornings, say between 5 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. are quite interesting around here also, but only if you're into disillusioned junkie boys (some of them are very cute though) desperately conveying a basic need for some money and your cock that they'll suck to get it. I always thought it would be a great time of day to come here and shoot some documentary footage on straight junkies willing to sport kneepads for a puff of the ol' smokey-smoke. But please, should you choose to go this route, just promise me that you'll be honourable and pay these guys for their work. Okay?

Ste-Catherine E. at St-André

To my mind, coming in here is the equivalent of posting a sex-wanted ad in a dirty whorehouse. I mean, why venture into some dark, pissy booth for some action when there's a whole Village of hungry cocksuckers out in the street? And anyway, now that all the Russian immigrants and their foreskins at that location have moved on to new digs, it's pretty damn uneventful. Javex and piss have never served as much of an aphrodisiac to me - but that's just me, of course.

OUT IN NATURE

Lafontaine Park

Great for crotch watching on any nice summer day, and great for crotch gobbling as soon as the sun goes down. The corner of Sherbrooke and Amherst is where everyone goes because of the big trees you can hide behind so as not to be seen from the street.

Parc Mont-Royal

Ooh, how I long for the good ol' days gone by. Nowadays, if you're planning on heading up here for sex, you'd best bring up a king can of beer, a joint and a bag of nuts for the squirrels. I still know a few people who come here sometimes, but it's nothing like the cruising Eden it used to be. Even at dusk, once the most popular time of day for seed-sowing on the mountain, as often as not lately it's no better than a dry hump against a strong wind. I know "patience is a virtue," and "persist and you shall suckseed," but personally, I just don't feel like waiting around for hours just to see if maybe something tasty will pass by. Nevertheless, it's generally worth checking out if you're in the neighbourhood and feeling horny. Walk up Mont-Royal Avenue to Camillien-Houde - you know that street that goes over the entire mountain, with the lookout halfway up it? That's the one you want. Go up it just a little ways and when you come up to that big cement median, turn left into the woods. If anything is happening on Mount Royal, this is where it's going to be.

Viger Park (Amherst and Viger)

Dodge the cop 'n' gobble some cock is the name of the game here… ooh, the excitement of a criminal record. Your best bet is under and around the bridge directly south of the park. But watch out for trolls - they love bridges you know.

AFTERHOURS CLUBS

Just hang around outside and it's like fishing in a barrel. Montreal's afterhours clubs can be great for hot, anonymous "the-girlfriend-out-on-the-dancefloor-doesn't-know" kind of sex. Except with all those chemical-induced gnawing jaws runnin' around, you always run the risk that your boy is going to have an ol' mandible "E" spasm right in the middle of giving you some good ol' head. Believe me, don't think it's never happened. Ouch!

BATH HOUSES

West of the Village, Sauna 456 (456 de la Gauchetière W.) is without a doubt the place for glory holes, discreet heteros and the city's finest porno films. I find that Village bath houses tend to be filled with way too many "precious" types - lots of looking and not that much touching - and not nearly enough butch! The porn in any bath house is usually quite good though, as well it better be if you're paying double-digits just to sit and jerk off. If queens sitting around smelling pretty is your cup of tea, however, then by all means stick to the bath houses in the Village.

URINALS

A really good urinal I'll sometimes go to is in the basement of the Administration building at McGill University. I think queers have been cruising here since time immemorial, particularly during the safer times of day when most of the students are in class. Circle jerks around the urinal seem to be the most popular activity here.

Another urinal I really like is at Central Station. It's not such a great place for sex, but the volume of cock you can get a good glimpse at just can't be beat - no pun intended. We all know that pretty well any unshielded public urinal is a potential place to find action, but this one is my personal favourite - for looking, at least.

Finally, whereever you go, and whatever you do, be safe, and have lots of fun. But please, pick up your used condom, its wrapper and your spermy Kleenex when you're done. You don't wanna ruin it for everyone else now, do you? Remember, a cop can follow the scent of a used condom and a Kleenex like any other truffle-rootin' pig!