Dear Sasha: I developed a friendship at work with a woman who's a lot of fun but is extremely competitive. Every time we go out and I express interest in a man, she hits on him with comic predictability. I have done everything to see this as humorous, an expression of some deep insecurity, you name it, but a little while ago, I confessed to a small infatuation with someone at work. She began flirting outrageously with him, and judging by his reaction, he is also interested, and it looks like they might hook up. Here's the dilemma: I found out that he's a total creep (history involving mistreatment of ex-wife, deadbeat dad). I'm so tempted not to tell her and let her get burned. What would you do? » Squeal, or Let Her Reel?

Dear Squeal,
Mmm, shagenfreude: when a friend or acquaintance, in a calculated and unkind fashion, sleeps with someone you "saw first" and gets burned in the process. The highly quotable English writer Samuel Butler also springs to mind: "It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs. Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four."

Despite her karma just screaming to get sideswiped, I think your conscience will gnaw at you if you watch someone get involved with someone who is potentially abusive and don't say anything. Unfortunately, she will likely read your actions as manipulative and jealous, which, if you grew up on a steady diet of Dallas, Falcon Crest and Dynasty, you know is the usual process of interpretation for the Volatile Vamp. Go ahead, tell her, see how she reacts. My guess is that it won't really matter to her anyway, because she obviously doesn't see women as allies. If she's as competitive as she seems, she'll find ways to rationalize the ex-wife "deserving it," and you'll get ensnared in an office drama - just like you didn't want in the first place - because she will name you as her source.

Dear Sasha: I'm a straight, 35-year-old guy whose much younger sister (21 and a lesbian) has suddenly decided that she wants to be referred to as a boy. I am not sure what this entails, and though I'm somewhat reluctant to go along with it, for her sake I will try. This is not my main concern though, it is how to introduce the concept to my parents, who are in their 60s and only somewhat more hip than Ward and June Cleever. » Very Confused Brother

Dear Very,
I have been privileged to have transgendered people in my life for over 15 years. One of the advantages of this is growing completely accustomed to the understanding of a third (or fourth or fifth!) sex, as though somehow - to bring Jung into the picture - the concept was always in the collective unconscious, just buried under binaries.

I will be honest in saying that sometimes it's hard not to feel worried about what suddenly seems like a tremendous number of young women transitioning, particularly those who are assertive in a way that's designed to make you feel like a nitwit when you mash your pronouns. This reaction feels like childishness and insecurity - emotions that don't go well with such a profound decision. Guilt-ridden conversations I've been privy to with older, but anxiously supportive, lesbians have them admitting that they would have transitioned years ago, and are now relieved that the only options that seemed openly available when they were younger were tattoos and butchdom. Believe me, many queer women are a bit wide-eyed by the recent exodus to boyhood, too. The fact is, though, that the decision to transition is not treated flippantly by the medical, counselling, and active trans community. If it makes you feel any better, whatever your sister decides to do, there are people along the way who are doing their best to make sure with her that this is an appropriate choice.

I don't think it's your job to bring this up with your parents, but here is an excellent Web ring of trans resources: www.ringsurf.com/netring?ring=trans;action=index, for some personal guidance and information.

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