M Allow me to reveal my thoughts in the following sequence. The Darkness are a bunch of retarded evil children, Johnson Cummins is the illegitimate love child of Billy Gibbons and Geddy Lee, and Jake Brown is a bottom-feeding catfish feeding off the teardrops of celestial poets who have passed him over. Over, Rover. [BLEEP!]

M What's up, Rant Line™? This is about the new Beastie Boys' album. I used to be a big fan of Ill Communication and all of that stuff but what they've been doing lately seems like the same generic rap crap that people dis when it comes from, well, black rappers. Is it just because they're white that they're so popular? Please somebody enlighten me. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is Smack Daddy J and I was just wondering if there are any JUGGALOS in this city - not gigolos, juggalos. I've been noticing that there ain't very many of us here. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I'd just like to know if anyone could help me find a VARUKERS T-shirt. They're a punk band and I must say, they're amazing. Please don't refer me to Labyrinthe, because though they have a lot of T-shirts, they have nothing like that. All I've seen in Montreal on the Varukers is a few pins. But punk lives forever! Whoever the fuck was calling and saying bad things about punk, well, punk will always live, forever and ever!! You get that, you fuckers out there?! I hear you disrespecting punks all the time. We're here to stay. Get that?! [BLEEP!]

M The Pants Off Party was actually the brainchild of my girlfriend, the lovely Helen from Blue Dog, who enlisted the Kops Krew to help put it together. So if I seemed a little rash the other day when I left that DRUNKEN RANT, well, where I come from, if you go around robbing people's ideas, you have to look over your shoulder because you might get punched in the head. If you don't like that then maybe you shouldn't live downtown anymore. [BLEEP!]

F So I'm chillin' at work the other day, just having my five minute zone-out on a Monday, and all of a sudden, boom, I'm brought back to reality because there's a guy walking across the street with a big orange sign with "I Need Pussy" scrawled across it. And his buddy is following him, filming him with a video camera. They're doing some PSEUDO-JACKASS shit. Well, here are some tips to getting the pussy that you supposedly need. First, value the girl that you're already fucking and that way you won't lose her. Number two, don't go announcing to the world that you need to get laid because, so help me God, so the fuck do the rest of us. Jesus Christ, I'm standing there at work and you remind me that uh… it's just really frustrating and rude and, not to mention just a little bit immature. But you know what? You made my day anyway because I realized that only a loser who wasn't getting pussy would actually do something like that. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™. I just came back from Toronto. I was there for a couple of days and you know what struck me as kind of weird? Trying to get EYE CONTACT from the chicks there is like pulling teeth. I don't know what's going on. And this wasn't on the street, this was at a party where everybody kind of knew each other. Is this a custom in this strange land? I asked some of the boys and they said, "Oh yeah, that's what's going on here in Toronto." No eye contact from the ladies. I don't know. Maybe somebody has some feedback about this to help me to understand the differences in culture. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, what happened to Magnolia? Are there any good lesbian bars around? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm wondering if anyone else out there hates Bell Canada as much as I do. So far my experience with Bell has been terrible - especially with customer service. The employees of Bell seem to be especially trained not to give you what you want, not to give you what you're asking for and to rip you off as much as possible. Does anybody know of any other phone options out there or is Bell still a monopoly in Montreal? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, excellent idea about spitting on the handles of SUVs. I myself once pissed on the handles of three mini-vans that had Star Académie written on the side of them. It made me feel very good about myself. [BLEEP!]

M Had you read Mission Earth by L. Ron Hubbard or some of the Satanic Protocols, you would know that the demonic capitalists have an INVASION schedule that's long-term for taking over the whole earth and for eliminating opposition and grabbing all the resources. And we are witnessing this right now: the expansion of territories, the setting up of bases all over the planet. This is all part of the invasion schedule! [BLEEP!]

M I just saw a giant billboard for COLD HOT CHOCOLATE. It's not cold hot chocolate, it's chocolate milk, dammit! [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum