by ALICE AND YANKA

Dear Alice & Yanka This is an invitation to enjoy a great meal at Restaurant All India at Verdun. Please do not hesitate to call us to reserve a table for both of you. We will be very glad if you visit my small Restaurant. We serve fine Indian cuisine and very exotic and great food in town now. I hope you will get back to us. - Ronnie

Dear Mister Ronnie Thank you for your invitation, which came as quite a surprise. Perhaps you are not really familiar with our work? We're afraid you might want to chop us and roast us in the tandoori oven, eh?! Most people in Montreal really despise what we write of them, you know, but we shall come and visit your antre, undercover as hell. Cheers. - A&Y

Dear A&Y As I received your reply that you may visit my restaurant. I am wondering did you had a chance to visit my restaurant. If not you are welcome any time. Hope to here from you soon. - Ronnie

Dearest Ronnie How are you? Did you know that we still have our job at the Mirror? Phew! It was a close one. Anyhow, is there alcohol at your restaurant? Regardless, we're on our way. If you don't mind, can we include your e-mails in our review? They're inspiring to us, and we suspect they might very well delight the Mirror's readership. Merci! - A&Y

Dear A&Y Yes, you can add my e-mail at your review. Also we have "Bring Your Wine" permit… so you can grab anyone you like. - Ronnie

Weeeee!!! Off to la Wellington for the grab-anyone-you-like feast! We negotiate highways and exits, and a rugged Verdun tow-trucker gives us a clue. It unfolds like this: "Hey m'sieur, la rue Wellington c'est où?" goes our driver, Blonde. "Ha, ben tu prends Jolicoeur, et ensuite, un, deux, trios, neuf rues plus loin, tourne pis voilà!." We can't park anywhere when we roll in because it's the street fair and all we get from the city employee who's directing traffic is "Envoye! Envoye! Envoye, avance!" Words of wisdom indeed.

It's easy to take a shine to Ronnie's tiny, dim and blue den. It's like a ship. But blue. Almost full, too. No reservations still wins us a cerulean table. Beer's not accepted, as a personal rule or dry city law we don't know, but, ta nam: la SAQ rises like a tower of strength right across the street. The other customers know all this so everyone is slowly getting sloshed and blabbing gobbledygook about Kart Racing.

First treat of the evening is the waitress, Jennifer. "Avec plaisir," she says all the time in the devil's pink '50s dress. Et, avec le sourire fendu jusqu'aux oreilles, elle nous offre un pichet d'eau parce qu'on boit comme des chameaux. C'est une vraie. All India is also home to Nassim du Bengladesh, un être incroyablement souriant, aimable et propriétaire d'une dentition fabuleuse. He talks to Blonde about his other job as an Italian chef and of his love for cooking and the year 1947. They bond like Marsh and Mallow. Bref, the staff shines something like un coat en prélard on a clear night in the countryside.

Eyeballing our polaroid camera, Jennifer inquires: "Whose birthday?" "Blonde's birthday." A few hours down the line, without request or discussion, un superbe gâteau blanc, couvert de roses en crémage bleu ciel apparaîtra devant nos quatre yeux et ce spectacle sera accompagné d'un soundtrack du tonnerre: two clients pompettes et le staff qui chante, "Boonnne fête, blondaaay." Ça vaudra 100,000 pakoras!

Now, the food: complimentary papadum, mulligatawny soup (un beau bol anglo-indien rempli de belles choses), légumes samosas (they look like two bellies of croûte céleste, but they lack ooomph & va z'y drû), chicken tikka masala (must sample classics, says Blonde - not saucy enough, but chunky with tenderness and corrida-like zest), balti boeuf (served in a silver chaudière with "une franche quantité de coriande"; c'est fucking excellent!), nan (gros comme le Zanzibar), légumes paratha and achar, mango/lime chutney. We should've read the menu carefully; it said "Sour & Hot." C'est incroyablement aigre et nous grimaçons de douleur. Then, chai teas.

We roll out of there bellies up, and all night we dream of glasses of waterfalls of water. Merci Ronnie! Thanks Blonde!

Plastic freak out? cheapmotel@hotmail.com

All India
ADDRESS: 4236 Wellington
PHONE: 762-4884
HOURS: Mon–Fri 11:30AM–2:30PM, 5–11PM; Sat–Sun 4–11PM
PRICE: $43.22 pour toute l'Inde
CARDS: Yes
BEST FEATURES: Staff & food magnifico
RATING: Toutes les étoiles