F Oh my God, did you see all those GROUPIE GIRLS at the Darkness show? All wearing matching zebra skanky outfits? What do they think they're gonna do? Get fucked by the band? They just look like the stupid sluts who are always trying to hit on my boyfriend. God damn whores! Whatever. [BLEEP]

M Good evening Rant Line™. I'm a spokesperson for a community of prominent musicians in the Mile-End, and I'd like to clarify something. The reason we reserve EYE CONTACT only for each other is so as not to dilute the OCCULT MAJESTY of our very serious musical undertakings. We hope you understand - nothing personal everybody - but the music comes first. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I went to a punk show on Saturday night at L'X and a bunch of punks from the West Island destroyed my bike - my only way to get around in Montreal. They come downtown, where I hang out all the time, to cause shit when they should be in their sweet suburban homes with their swimming pools and their parents, mama and papa. Fucking rich kids! I'm really pissed off. You rich kids don't deserve to come downtown to our punk rock concerts! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is to address the Kops Krew rant. I don't know why you guys are wasting your time threatening people who want to throw a Pants Off party. Big deal if it's your idea, man. It's not like you invented the telephone or something like that. You guys must have a lot of time on your hands. Chill the hell out. [BLEEP!]

M This is for my punk and skin brothers out there. You know what? It's Sunday and I have to go to work and I really don't feel like getting up but SOCIETY is making me. Okay? You guys keep talking about this huge revolution that is coming. Why don't we start it tomorrow 'cuz, you know, I've fucking had it. Anarchy forever! [BLEEP!]

M I think an even more proactive response to this whole SUV issue would be to write a message on those cars saying "Stop polluting please." That would also reduce the potential for anger on the part of these SUV drivers who would have to dish out $100 to fix their cars. I don't see how educating people through damaging their property is really going to inhibit them from using that property anymore than if you were just civil about it. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the people who like to damage big expensive poison-puking slave labour homicidal vehicles, which are generally purchased by ignorant self-centred socially unaware morally bankrupt morons. Take it from me on how satisfying it is to HORK up a big fat wet chunk of PHLEGM and spit it onto the handle of the driver's side of the car. My GORGEOUS FRIEND and I have hit at least 200 SUVs so far. And you never know what the fuck we might have. So wake up and smell the exhaust, you sad little SUV-owning crackers! [BLEEP!]

M Concerning that arsehole talking about scratching SUVs. How would you like if I broke in to your apartment and shit on your pillow? Go around and scratch people's cars? And then they've got to haul ass with that big motherfucker down the road to the local body shop, waste some more gas, and pollute even more air repainting it. Think before you act! How about whacking the guy who owns it with a BASEBALL BAT instead? Now that would be doing something constructive. [BLEEP!]

F I would just like somebody to give me one good reason why I shouldn't be HIGH all day, every day, from morning to night. All I've ever heard is crap. What's so wrong with always feeling good? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't try to spend my entire life stoned, that's my challenge to the Rant Line™. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, hi, I was at Miami last night and I saw someone OD on fuckin' SMACK. Uh, anyway, it was a really bad scene and I think people should be protected against it. People, you shouldn't be doing heroin. You're going to go out in a body bag. [BLEEP!]

F I think people complain too much on the Rant Line™ - even if that is sort of a contradiction. I read it every week because I find it entertaining to watch people take it upon themselves to judge others and impose their beliefs on everybody else. I think, in dealing with people or when approaching life, why not try to be more like the stars or the sun. Their light shines on all, not just the few. Just as the heavens encompass all. This is not my creation, I am but part of it. And what a great gift it is to be. How is it my place to look upon anything within this with scorn? How is my place not to be unquestionably accepting? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my name is Matthew and everyone knows me as the PORTUGUESE HOOKER. I'm just fuckin' saying for the last time: no, that albino guy's kid is not mine, so stop bothering me! [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum