F This is Manic Manon. First off, I would like to thank all those ranters saying good things about my band, the Guest List. I've been playing my own brand of punk for ages and whatever I've done has always been overlooked by the media. My entire press kit is basically the Rant Line™. I come from a time when punk bands were all different from each other and punk was not a trend but a way of life. Nowadays all you see is copycats. Well, I refuse to follow the trend! [breaking into verse] I don't care if influential industry people don't come a knockin'/Manic Manon will keep on rockin'! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I appreciate the way you guys ignore the punks in this city and the fact that your paper treats them like trash because that's what they deserve. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is the Kops Krew calling, addressing the person or persons that are throwing that PANTS OFF party. What do you think you're doing?! That's our party! Kops Krew been doin' this party since 2002, and if you throw this party we're gonna be there and heads are gonna roll, man. You're a fuckin' perpetrator, you can't just steal our ideas like that. This party is not happening! You're not throwing this party! Pants Off is ours! Don't even try to touch it, biatch! [BLEEP!]

M Has anyone else out there noticed that the Fringe Festival people are kind of like Trekkies but not as cool? [BLEEP!]

F To the responsible person who was wondering about getting satellite radio and how it would suck if CBC teamed up for that. First of all, it's already here, you need satellite TV to get it. And second of all, all the stations are AWESOME. There's no commercials, no bullshit radio talk, just songs. New songs, old songs, it's all arranged by different channels, you don't have to listen to a style of music you don't like. Just because the CBC is on it, doesn't mean it sucks. [BLEEP!]

M No one cares about SPOKEN WORD, and even fewer care about Jake Brown. Why not use the Rant Line™ for more edifying topics such as the curious habit Montreal women have of shoving their tits in your face and then complaining when you spring a CHUBBY? [BLEEP!]

F Just curious. Would you rather listen to Jake Brown rag about himself on the Rant Line™ or be born without a FACE? [BLEEP!]

M Why are we still hearing about that has-been Jake Brown? Why doesn't somebody just have him put down? Sometimes it's just best. [BLEEP!]

M This is the real Jake Brown [badly imitating Muhammad Ali] and I am in town and I noticed that many rants were printed about me but that my name was not in the headline at the top of the page. Now that's embarrassing to me. My fans want to read about me! I'm going to have to put a special call in to President Kennedy and see if he can do something about this. Anyone who doubts I'm the real Jake Brown can come and see me fight at the Sarajevo on Tuesday night, June 29. One hundred per cent of the people will be there to see me, but 99 per cent of them will be there to see me fall because I talk too much. But I'm going to shut all of youse up. It might make you frown/but the champion will be Jake Brown! [BLEEP!]

M To the woman who says she's going to start scratching SUVs with her keys as a form of protest. All I can say is right on, sistah, and now I'm going to start STABBING SOME TIRES. Don't put oil into the machine. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F For the girl ranting about keying SUVs. I'm so glad you've decided to fight against people's destructive actions with such a constructive solution. I guess contributing to people getting their cars refinished, buying all those stupid paint sticks that fix the chips in your car, that's not contributing to the bigger problem? These kind of random, senseless, pointless, yet pseudo-politically motivated actions just irritate me to no end. [BLEEP!]

F Hi ranters. While I disagree with violence and vandalism as a mode of civil disobedience, I think the direct action approach to SUVs that woman suggested last week might be a real smart way of discouraging vain and selfish SUV drivers from poisoning our planet. I don't drive a car, but if I did I sure wouldn't want to drive one that singled me out as an asshole - such a big asshole that it made people so angry that they wanted to damage my property. Maybe I would finally get smart and get one of those cars that run on electricity and gas, which help reduce global warming and save money. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M I got my SUV scratched about two weeks ago. Elephants shit in the water in Third World countries, making the water non-potable. Do you see me scratching up elephants? No. Leave my SUV alone, bitch! [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum