by NOEMI LOPINTO

When I was a teenager I worked for Greenpeace. I was a canvasser, which is a code word for door-to-door moneygrubber. The job consisted of frightening insular suburban couples into donating money to the Save the Humpbacked Rainbow Goldfish fund. I hated the job, and it hated me. But at least I was passionate about something.

Sixteen years later, my campaign is devoid of a central theme or cause. So my campaign team (composed of me, myself and I) have advised me to champion something. But the question is, what? By definition, a Green Party candidate is an environmental activist, usually obsessively preoccupied with a few pet ecological disasters or near-disasters: the dissolving ozone layer; climate change; the anti-ballistic missile treaty; oil spills; genetic engineering of crops; rising smog levels... stop me anytime... mercury levels in fish; nuclear waste disposal; the arms race; uranium mining; topsoil erosion; melting ice caps; overpopulation; acid rain; deforestation; air pollution; animal and floral extinction.

The sheer variety of environmental causes that could suck the life out of you is mind-boggling, and this election has already introduced me to the delights of laryngitis and a twisted right ankle. Nevertheless, I have an opportunity to get up on the soapbox here and rant and rave, and a candidate should show an ability to grasp a variety of social issues. So this week I set out in search of causes to which I could give my support.

So many issues, so little time

The most tactically intelligent thing to do is to seek out issues that will be popular with constituents and embarrass my political enemies. As such, I attended two information-sessions/fundraisers this week on two very separate issues, one of which gives me the opportunity to stick it to my Liberal opponent in Bourassa, Denis Coderre. The first was an event organized in the Gay Village by sex-workers and prostitution-decriminalization activists. I was the only politician there, not that that meant much to Michael Hendricks, who was collecting entry fees at the door. I told him proudly that there was a federal candidate in the midst, and he looked wildly about and said, "Where?" When I pointed to myself, he said: "Oh yeah, the NDP. Congratulations." Then he walked away before I could correct him.

That night, Carol Leigh, aka Scarlot Harlot, the author of Unrepentant Whore, sang Donna Summer's song "Bad Girls," a friend of mine danced a striptease and gloriously beautiful women performed peep shows on red silk sheets for two bucks (just another hard day at work in politics!). I don't know how many prostitutes live in Bourassa, but I have decided to advocate decriminalization. Seriously, let's just leave these women the hell alone, shall we?

Saturday's event was an information session organized by the Indigenous Peoples' Solidarity Movement to discuss recent events in Kanesatake. In a dingey community centre in St-Henri, Clifton Nicholas, Shawn Brant and Kahn-Tineta Horn spoke for three hours about their community and the challenges they have faced in the last 14 years. They are no fans of the Liberals, and no fans of Denis Coderre, elected twice now to represent the good people of Bourassa. In addition to being the Minister of Citizenship and Immigration and Federal Interlocutor for Métis and Non-Status Indians, Coderre was the federal government's mouthpiece during the Kanesatake crisis earlier this year. So far, he hasn't done much, other than to say he takes the dossier "very seriously." Clifton Nicholas characterized him as a "waste of time."

Unfortunately for me, Kahn-Tineta Horn doesn't much like the media. For instance, Allô Police's front-page photo that day was a picture of a masked Mohawk warrior, with an explosive headline accusing them of sponging off the federal government (I tried to point out that Allô Police is a merely a tabloid, while the Mirror is... not). Anyway, in the spirit of taking a stand, my message to Coderre is: Fish or cut bait, Liberal scum. And seriously, let's just leave these people the hell alone, shall we?

One issue which I am not shy of addressing is this damned voter apathy I keep reading about. If I have to read one more whining twentysomething eunuch complain about how politics just isn't relevant to his/her life, I'm gonna be sick. If you don't want to vote, then run as a candidate. Trust me, it's easy.