by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Chris Myers

Age: 28

Occupation: Jeweller

Bio: This genteel Toronto import and current Villeray resident has been manufacturing his own jewelry designs since he was all of 18 years old. Producing only custom, high quality items from steel and titanium, "none of that generic mass-produced junk," he opened his store, Steelwerks [www.steelwerks.ca] on Villeray Street just a little over seven years ago. Selling conventional body hardware at the store, and his highly sought after "extreme sex-oriented jewelry" through his Web site [www.steelwerks.ca], Chris says that even though "the erotic stuff sells well, I'm more interested in going back to my roots as a conventional jeweller, creating the kind of stuff that I sell at the retail store. It more accurately reflects where I'm at these days."

One highly useful item he sells: Labia spreaders.

What one might do with a labia spreader: Spread labias.

Is it primarily high school students purchasing this item? Apparently not.

Style-conscious gynaecologists? Nope. "But actually, a lot of doctors do buy my stuff - not for medical purposes though."

Something he made once: A set of titanium testicles for one well-balanced young man who dug up a doctor willing to replace his God-given, sperm-producing huevos with shiny metal ones - even though, once inside his scrotum, neither his friends, family or lovers could fully appreciate the majesty of Chris's design.

His most popular item: The Prince's Wand.

What a Prince's Wand is: A steel contraption one attaches to one's penis, complete with cock-ring and a three- to six-inch steel rod that one inserts into one's pee-hole, apparently providing one with an orgasm that makes a properly timed Poppers [aka amyl-nitrate] goo-shooting adventure seem mild by comparison. "A lot of people who get it don't even have sex anymore. They just masturbate with their Prince's Wand in them."

Is it safe to assume inserting a six-inch piece of metal into your prick might be somewhat painful? Yes, but apparently the end justifies the means.

Another reason why the Prince's Wand is such a big hit: "Because all these guys who got themselves Prince Alberts [a type of genital piercing] have discovered that their dicks leak everywhere and they have to sit down when they pee so they don't piss all over the place. The Prince's Wand fills up the holes so they can piss standing up again."

Something you can buy for your man next time the swine goes off on yet another one of his "business trips": A custom-made chastity cage that will keep his penis in a permanent downwards position that no erection, no matter how powerful, can defiantly rise up against. "These things are expensive [about $1,000] because they involve so much work. We probably spend about a month corresponding with the client to make sure that all the measurements are absolutely perfect."

Last book read: An Awakened Life, by Christopher Titmuss.

Something else he does: Extreme mountain biking.

Childhood ambition: To become a fashion designer.

Musical preferences: Hip hop, jazz, rock 'n' roll. "Everything, really."

Words of wisdom: "To each their own."

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca