by SARAH ROWLAND

On cue, "Stuck in the Middle with You" kicks in. Shortly after, Mr. Blonde severs the ear of a kidnapped cop and proceeds to taunt his bound-and-gagged hostage by speaking into the defunct organ. While doing a touchdown dance around his whimpering prey, the well-dressed wise guy happily pours gasoline on the open wound. Classic filmmaking, yes. But not exactly the stuff that wet dreams are made of - until now that is. Imagine Michael Madsen's character being played by a cute tattooed chick in fishnets and fuck-me pumps and you begin to understand what the Suicide Girls Live shows are all about.

The troupe of infamous Internet models are taking their erotic Web site off the information highway and coming to a town near you. But be warned: reenacting Tarantino's notorious scene with a boobular twist is just one of the many unorthodox vignettes you can expect to see at their burlesque–inspired event.

"It's punk rock," says Pearl Suicide, who plays the ill-fated officer. She's calling from her Austin hotel room where the SGs are preparing for their tour. "We're in your face. If you stand too close you might get doused with chocolate or beer. Watch out. We're not the Rockettes."

No, they aren't. You wouldn't catch any of the Radio City Music Hall showgirls writhing on the stage with Peaches' "Fuck the Pain Away" blasting in the background. But then again, the Suicide Girls have always been on the forefront of offering an alternative to preconceived notions of what is sexy.

Beauty beyond baywatch

It's been nearly three years since SG founder Missy Suicide launched her erotic "Web community" that combines a pin-up ethos with DIY punk rock aesthetics. While thousands of online companies disappeared into dot-com oblivion at the turn of the millennium, the Suicide Girls succeeded to the point where the SG has become a trademark name with a series of spin-off products including clothing, jewellery and a coffee-table book. There's also talk of a DVD and TV show.

"It's a lifestyle brand for people whose idea of beauty falls outside of Baywatch," says Missy. "Our girls have a bit more to say and a bit more ink on their skin but are far more beautiful than 90 per cent of cover models."

She's not the only one who thinks so. Half-a-million unique browsers visit the site every week. A big part of the appeal for members is the interaction with the girls through bios, message boards and online journals. For these paying surfers, it's a way of getting to know the girls… or so they think. According to Shera Suicide's online biography, she became an SG because she loves anal sex and Steve Perry, not necessarily together.

"That's not really why I joined Suicide Girls," she admits. "I haven't got any butt sex because of Suicide Girls. I'm not serious about it [her posted likes and dislikes]. I used to have a very serious profile and I got too many annoying people e-mailing me because they thought we had something in common because we had the same band listed as our favourite."

Shrouded vs. spread

A major draw for the models is the creative control they have over the photos. Some girls enjoy posing for extreme close-ups of their pierced beef curtains while others won't even consider full-frontal shots.

"I personally think they're super hot and love looking at the them [graphic SG shots] but just for myself it's not something I'm gonna do," says Pearl about keeping her legs closed for the camera. "I like teasing and leaving a little bit to the imagination. So that's what I choose to do in my sets. We each find our own unique expression through the sets we shoot and the pictures we take, and that's where I find myself. Other girls find themselves in other places."

Shera finds herself with her index finger, as subscribers can see clearly in photo #22 of her "Guitar Girlie" series, where she thoughtfully points out her proctologist's port of entry.

"It's nothing to me," says the young Philadelphia native about her willingness to welcome visitors to her backdoor. Some of the more explicit pictures that she submitted have never been posted. "I don't perceive nudity as a bad thing. I'm very easygoing."

And so is her fiancé, apparently.

"He doesn't have a problem with it," says Shera about her betrothed, who actually photographed her first two sets. "He looks at it as a positive experience."

Her no holds barred attitude was what landed her the job touring with half a dozen of her Web mates. The idea took hold in Portland, where the company was originally based.

"Some of the girls on the site were also part-time dancers and they wanted to take the same feeling they got from doing photo sets and bring it to their chosen medium of expression," says Missy about the weekly event, which led to their first U.S. tour last winter. She's calling from her L.A. office. "They wanted to update the burlesque style of dancing with something a bit more modern and fun."

In fact, Missy dropped "burlesque" from the show's title because she feels that they've evolved beyond stereotypical neo-pasty twirlers who peel down to top hats and boas.

Bring on the tats

One of the ways their current show has managed to resuscitate the dying trend is by substituting the genre's traditional brassy striptease music with the likes of the White Stripes and Marilyn Manson. Along with paying homage to the Reservoir Dogs, many of the vignettes combine softcore S&M role-playing with modern pop culture references. For instance, Agent 007 gets a makeover in SG's kinky nod to James Bond and they also whip out a pretty sweet finale. Without giving too much away, let's just say this particular confectionery fantasy involves a lot of chocolate syrup. Tradition meanwhile is honoured with a classic schoolmarm dominatrix routine, with the difference being that this hot-for–teacher skit is performed to the melodious sounds of the burliest muff in showbiz: the incomparable Peaches.

But the main attribute that sets them apart goes back to the Suicide Girls' philosophy of celebrating imperfection and diversity. All cup sizes are welcome, and the more tattoos and piercings the better.

"I think a lot of people have widened their idea of beauty based on the site," says Missy. "We had a deal with Playboy.com where we would run a different Suicide Girl featured every week. I think that it definitely exposed a different form of beauty to an audience that might not have received it before."

Mind you, not even the Suicide Girls are immune to the idea that bigger is better. For example, Shera is contemplating breast implants for what she calls the "right reasons." "A lot of girls need the attention and I think you can tell because they always get the really big gross ones. But if I got them, it would be a cup bigger but that's it. It would honestly just be to even out my proportions for my large butt."

Suicide sisterhood

Like most of her online posse, Shera speaks of the group with messianic zeal, refusing to pose for any of their many imitators. For those models that tour, many say that the genuine sense of unity and loyalty comes from cramming into a tour van with six other girls to spread the SG gospel. "Ultimately it's like a mobile sorority house," says Pearl, the token topless hula hoop dancer. "There have definitely been some really fun sisterly moments."

Shera concurs: "I've met so many cool girls. A lot of people think I'm a bitch sometimes. I just don't like many people. That's just the truth and I've met so many girls that I can hang out with… It's like a community of weird chicks that have a lot of things in common."

Ironically, this band of outsiders is becoming more and more mainstream after being mentioned as What's Hot in Rolling Stone as well as garnering ink from Spin and The New Yorker. Other high profile admirers include Courtney Love, who invited some of the girls to her MTV sleepover, and Dave Grohl, who recruited 66 of the more than 300 Suicide Girls to appear in his "Probot" video.

"I get to lead a kind of cool rock-star life," says Shera in a raspy party voice that seems to support her claim. "I get to do a lot of things that most people don't get to do. I get to travel the world and get paid to do it. I get to meet tons of cool people in different cities all the time. I never wanted to live a normal life so I'm very happy."

The Suicide Girls perform Tuesday, June 22, 9:30pm, at The Cabaret (2111 St-Laurent), $15.50, www.admission.com