M I'm sorry, but the music scene in Quebec is not just a bunch of CRABS. You just need to pick out the good bands in Montreal. Look at Manic Manon and the Guest List. They're fuckin' on fire! And right now I'm listening to the Psychotic 4 CD and it's crazy. It's all from Montreal, dude. And it's not hip hop, it's rock and roll, man! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what's up, it's Tim, man. For the love of God, what's wrong with radio in this town? I've been up all night SCORCHING ON PCP and all I get is fuckin' techno and 14 stations of classical. I just fuckin' listened to a meringue group sing "The Sounds of Silence" in French! What's wrong with you people? Give it up, man! [BLEEP!]

M This is [someone claiming to be] Jake Brown [claiming to be] calling from BC. [imitating Muhammad Ali] I've fulfilled all of my prophesies! I'm up to date with all my predictions, I'm on schedule with my training! The only thing standing between me and the spoken word title is CATHERINE KIDD, and I believe she's afraid of me! She's holding my robe, she's livin' in my mansion! I'm young, I'm fast, I'm pretty and I can't possibly be beat! I'll see you all soon! [BLEEP!]

M Why are all you kids wearing baseball caps? It makes me puke, man, it makes me wanna vomit. I mean, all you guys are going to be BALD by the age of 20. Why don't you just leave this stuff to the Americans. Baseball caps, that ain't rock and roll. [BLEEP!]

F I have something I need to talk about. I am so fed up with all the WELFARE RIFF-RAFF that hangs around Barfly and Bar Miami. What is it with the Plateau? Why is everybody mooching off of our government? And how are we supposed to straighten up this country if everybody in the Plateau is collecting welfare? Why doesn't everybody get off their asses and find themselves jobs? [BLEEP!]

M So I realize that I said Constantinople instead of what I meant to say which was Emperor Constantine. So thank you for printing my mistake and making me sound like a jackass, you fucking fascists! [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the stoner dude, yeah, I mean the dude that is obviously a stoner, excuse me. Constantinople is a city, man. An ancient Greek city, and I think it's still around. What you were thinking of was Emperor Constantine, and he was a dude from way back in Roman times who, like, gave Christianity the thumbs up. And yeah, you're right about how we used to all be pagans and like, how our great-grandfathers used to fuck our great-grandmothers in front of big groups of people, like some kind of cool concert. But as far as Constantine goes, he was the dude who was all pussy whipped by his wife because he, like, revised the Bible and said that women were scabs and hos. Over. [BLEEP!]

M This is about that guy Eugene who saw the midget supposedly being exploited on St-Laurent and felt real bad. I think Eugene is a fairy. I want to own a whole bunch of midgets. If I was rich I'd own a SLAVE HOLD of midgets, all working for me, and it would just be cool 'cuz midgets are cool looking. There's no such thing as exploiting midgets, they're just cool to look at. [BLEEP!]

F Ah, there is something for the guy with tinnitus. A friend of mine has a hearing aid where you can turn down the background noise while turning up the person closest to you. It works by remote control, it's the newest technology. So there. [BLEEP!]

F [with West Indian accent] For those losers who left the rants about GOAT HEAD SOUP. Before you want to go and talk shit, you might as well try, and then you see. If you don't like it then, well fine, tough shit. But if you find you like it then you shut your fuckin' mouth! [BLEEP!]

M I was just wondering if the Circle Jerk Group were the same as the Montreal Erotic Sciences Society that's holding the Parc Lafontaine ORGY on June 27? Yeah, I got your flyer but there wasn't very much information on it. I'd love to hear more. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is in reference to the Notre Dame Cathedral. This is BLASPHEMY - they're charging you $4 to get in there! This is a house of God - you can't put a price on God. God puts a price on you! [BLEEP!]

M This rant concerns the Westmount Rotary Club's annual RUMMAGE SALE. For fear that somebody may charge for the exit door with a pair of old skis, the organizers feel it's necessary to not only relieve us of our knapsacks when we enter but to stuff our pockets full of sales receipts. I had seven receipts for $2 or less each. I was even challenged by one elderly volunteer to produce these receipts. It's revealing of the Westmount mindset that even a charity event is permeated by the spirits of both hoarding and mistrust. [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum