M Wow. I just finished reading Lorraine Carpenter's review of Auf der Maur and holy moly - what a SLAG. I guess it was Morrissey who said, "We hate it when our friends become successful" and Lorraine Carpenter sure seems to have a hate-on for Melissa Auf der Maur. Go figure. Now, I haven't heard this album yet, but I did see all of the songs performed at O Patro Vys over the winter, and the show was pretty good. It's not gonna revolutionize modern rock, but oh my God - I've never read anything so sour and bitter in my whole life! That was really quite something. Lorraine, you might wanna consider stopping suckin' on those lemons and maybe consider suckin' on this! [BLEEP!]

M You know what happens when you become part of that society of CRAB MUSICIANS that guy was talking about last week? You know what you become? You become Rubberman. And if I'm not mistaken, the guys in Rubberman are currently serving Big Macs at your local McDonald's. So, kids, don't be crabs. Have crabs - but don't be crabs. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what's up y'all? This is Roger from the Rhythm Mercenaries just calling to let you know that it's funny because we actually all have crabs. And we're too busy all of the time scratching ourselves to even try to get out of the bucket. And yo, I don't know about the Frenetics but Les Angles Morts are a wicked band on Blue Skies Turn Black. A'ight? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is Howard from Nutsack. We played a show last night at the Barfly - and it's always nice to play at that place. All the same, someone felt it worthwhile to steal our guitarist Sam's mini-disc player. They not only took the mini-disc player but also the mini-disc inside that recorded the show. I guess it was some kind of drunken act but, I guess what I'm asking is, if you took the mini-disc player, can you please bring it back to the Barfly? I work at a bookstore on St-Laurent, S.W. Welch, you could also just leave it there. Just put it in a bag, write "Nutsack" on it. If you insist on keeping the mini-disc player, can you at least drop off the mini-disc itself? Nobody will judge you. We'd just love to get it back. [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant about the local music scene. If you want to create images in the venues circuit, then you better be original. All you Stills wannabes, you might as well be playing at Reggie's. My idea for a new movement is men in white dinner jackets rehearsing King Lear over the sound of a carousel of DECAYING PUPPETS. Chew on that. [BLEEP!]

M You know, I've been thinking. Here's another reason why goths are pussies. Because they wear black, all black, head to toe black - that's the easiest fucking thing somebody could do. Now if these people had any real subterranean balls, they'd wear red. Head-to-toe red, eyeliner red, everything red. Let's see if you got the fucking balls for that, pussy goths. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hey, Rant Line™. You know what pisses me off? I can get a ticket for putting up my bio-degradable bullshit little poetry-reading poster or my little bullshit rock 'n' roll concert poster around town but the government and these shit POLITICAL PARTIES put up these huge slabs of plastic with these fuckers' faces all over them. I don't give a shit what party they're talking about! They're all over the fucking place and they obstruct traffic and they look horrible and they leave them there. Win or lose the elections, they leave them the fuck there. All right? Whose accountable for what? I'm putting up my poetry-reading posters. Fuck the world! [BLEEP!]

M This is for the girl who ranted about the GOAT HEAD SOUP. I think that's disgusting and you should probably just leave that goat in Jamaica, okay? Not over here. [BLEEP!]

M Goat heat soup. What's next? Monkey brains on a platter? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to the obviously Catholic fellow. Sex rites are not Satanic, they're pagan. They're from way, way old ancient times and, whether you like it or not, your ultra-great grandfather was performing sexual rites once a month - at least until CONSTANTINOPLE declared that paganism and ancient Christianity would be merged into one, becoming Neo-Christianity, which is what we celebrate today. So get it straight. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy that has tinnitus. You're doing the right thing by keeping away from any loud noise and, no, there aren't any earplugs that'll cut down the volume of the music in the background of a bar but not the voices of girls that you're trying to pick up. Another thing you might want to consider is that people who expose themselves to noise can get another condition, which I have, called HYPERACUSIS. Some days even the sound of BIRDS CHIRPING hurts my ears. It's really restricted my life. So, for people out there, really take care of your ears! Don't over-expose your ears to noise!! [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum