by LORRAINE CARPENTER

All the way from scenic Surrey, B.C., those trailer-clash cougars, those sci-funk sistahs, those gyrating G-rappers Stink Mitt are coming! And they're cumming to cap off Canada's sixth annual, Come As You Are-sponsored National Masturbation Month.

The month's other climax came on May 16, when participants in the Masturbate-A-Thon raised money for sex-worker rights organizations Stella (Montreal) and Maggie's (Toronto). Stink Mitt are descending on both cities this week, but not before they pick the winner of the charity wank.

"We're rifling through the finalists, whatever that entails," says MC Jenni Craige, disappointed in the marathon's honour system. "It'd be way more fun if we could watch them do a circle jerk. Maybe next year we could line them up naked, touching themselves, and try to pull it off as art."

Craige and her cohorts MC Betti Forde and Dr. Do This (masquerading on this tour as "Carpenter Cock") didn't have time to join in on the five-finger fun, what with all the young boys and banger bars that demand their attention daily, not to mention Craige's six bastard kids. Still, this voluptuous MC - aka Lady Precise, renowned around Vancouver for her verbal and vocal skills - always squeezes sex into her schedule, motivated these days by a few new toys.

"I've got the Fukuoku vibrating waterproof glove. It's a favourite for rubbing of the nutsack and tickling of the ass," she says. "And my Hitachi Magic Wand - uh. It never leaves my bedside. Sometimes I just fall asleep with it in my hand. Fantastic."

Expect some good vibrations in the flesh with Stink Mitt, who'll preview five new tracks and play classics from their Scratch 'n' Sniff LP for a town that literally loves the taste of Stink.

"It was out of hand," says Craige, recalling the trio's gig at Unity II. "I had my shirt ripped off and two extremely hot homosexual men started sucking on my tits. So I'm looking at them, they're looking at each other, and I'm just thinking, ‘This is fucked. I am merely a voyeur in this scenario.' I love Montreal."

At le Swimming on Saturday, May 29, 10pm, $15. Visit www.comeasyouare.com for more info on Masturbation Month

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