M This goes out to the girl who says it's so hard to get a gig in this city. Here's the reason. Fascist nearsighted promoters like those Blue Skies Turn Black gaping anal pores. They bring in some great out-of-town bands, sure, but their selfish agenda for their hokey EMO record label for their friends with emo bands has meant that discerning audience members who've come to see the out-of-town bands have had to sit through some of the most embarrassingly lame bands ever: Vertical Mosaic, the Frenetics, One Candle Power, the list goes on. Shit-assed generic emo music from bands that have only painted themselves into corners creatively. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is Danny Degenerate from Psychotic 4 calling in to apologize to some guy I smacked in the head last night after Barfly closed, and to some other guy who I wrongfully spit on who had nothing to do with anything. I was very, very drunk and I feel like an idiot and today I regret everything I did. I actually really like Barfly and I like most of the people who go to Barfly. So to the dude who I smacked, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, truly sorry. Take care. [BLEEP!]

M For that girl who called in and said that whoever steals bikes is stealing from poor people. She doesn't know shit! Bikes can go for up to $3,000, man. I'm a BIKE THIEF, all right? And I'll tell you one thing: I'm a lot poorer than any other dumbass who can fuckin' afford a bike, man. I steal a bike, man, I go and bring it to the pawn shop, get 10, maybe 20 dollars if I'm fuckin' lucky, and I go and eat. Otherwise, I'm a poor-assed motherfucker living on the street. So you go and tell me that whoever is going stealing a bike doesn't need it more than the person who has it. That person probably has a job, a stable income and can squeeze the money out one way or other to go to a pawn shop and buy a bike for $50. So shut the fuck up, man, until you know what you're talking about. [BLEEP!]

F I just found out about something that I can't believe ever existed: the MERKIN. It's a pubic hair wig, and apparently they were very popular in the Middle Ages. So I was thinking that Montreal should really bring back the merkin! All those trendy stores on St-Laurent should have merkins in their windows. That's really where I see this town heading. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, yeah, I don't take taxis anymore. You know why? Because I'm afraid that one of those taxi drivers might be coming from one of those TERRORIST COUNTRIES. And of course they don't speak any English and I might not even make it to my destination because I feel that maybe they might want to get even with us for what's going on in Iraq, you know? With all of these Algerians and Moroccans over here, I'm really, really scared to take a taxi anymore. It's getting me to become paranoid, taking taxis, all this news about all this terrorism and decapitations. I wish something could be done about it but I don't know what. [BLEEP!]

M To Little Miss Wicca. Witch trials were tragic precisely because the people involved weren't witches, just victims of vendettas, rampant paranoia, etc. Historical sources pretty much agree that there weren't any actual witches at the time, just scared people admitting to anything just to make the torture stop. I mean, maybe you should be reading The Crucible instead of Salem's Lot. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the girl who was calling about her Japanese fighting fish, which is actually called a Siamese fighting fish. They are native to Thailand, and live in mangrove swamps so they're quite used dodgy water. The best thing to do is put your water through a Brita, which will take out the chlorine, then let it sit for 24 hours and put your fish in. Put a piece of bamboo in there and it will help filter all the stuff too. But you don't have to worry too much because they are very hearty fish - they're fighting fish! Come on. [BLEEP!]

F The most important thing to know about your Japanese fighting fish is not to OVERFEED it. I've had many friends who have killed their fish this way. Just give it a little sprinkle every few days, maybe once a week. You can also buy this stuff that neutralizes the water, but don't put too much of that in either. And keep the water lukewarm. Peace and good luck to your fish. [BLEEP!]

M So now you guys are promoting SATANIC RITUALS, eh? That's really good. Hello? That's what you're doing with your circle jerks - you're participating in a satanic ritual without even knowing it!! So don't be surprised when you people conjure up something that fucks you up and that lives with you for the rest of your lives and eventually drives you crazy. Okay? Have fun with your circle jerk, but I'm just warning you, subconsciously you are conjuring up evil! [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum