by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

This past Thursday, May 13, the RCMP opened its headquarters, the imposing edifice on Dorchester in Westmount, for public gawking. Any interested party (or troublesome gaggle of teens) was welcome to drop in and find out what the Royal Canadian Mounted Police do, and how.

Greeting visitors and waving at cars was the RCMP's mascot - a bear. Um, a beast best known for pilfering picnic baskets probably shouldn't rep federal law enforcement. On the other hand, horses are out of the picture. "We got rid of the horses in 1967," the recruiting officer explained to me - perhaps after the noble but tragic cavalry charge depicted on the $50 bill.

While the Mounties don't do much mounting anymore, they've got plenty of other activities to keep them occupied. These were on display in the building's second-floor gym where, for instance, an officer from the Forensic Investigation department dispelled some misconceptions about his line of work.

It's not like CSI, he explained, where one cop investigates, collects forensic evidence and analyzes it too. The RCMP's FI guys only assist, gathering "just the facts, ma'am," leaving all the car chases and gun-and-badge dramatics to cops from the appropriate departments. FI kick in on immigration violations, smuggling and drug production, but the officer tells me, "There's nothing like a good murder" - qualifying that gruesome remark by noting that solving one makes a good cop proud. He also says his job is an exact science - very exact. One slip in, for instance, testifying on a fingerprint and you're off the team. Clean out your locker!

Smokin' out the perps

The only part of the RCMP that hasn't seen budget cuts lately are the computer guys, because the tech is evolving so fast and damn it, everyone's got a PC these days. The officer says his job largely involves "imaging," rather than flat-out confiscating, suspects' hard drives. "You don't want to know some of the stuff I've seen. There's some sick stuff out there," he tells me in a conspiratorial whisper.

Across the room was the Contraband department - like the American ATF but with art and jewellery thrown in. Illicit tobacco trade on the reserves is still a problem, I'm told, but counterfeit smokes from China are a growing source of grief. "It's hard to tell from the packs," the officer says, "so we look at the French text. If we find a misplaced apostrophe, we know its counterfeit." Look out, those hokey smokes are loaded with unhealthy stuff - not like those of respectable ciggie manufacturers!

Moonshine's a nuisance too. Jazz it up with a little artificial flavour and colour, slap on a fake Seagram's label and there you go. "It can be really hazardous… it'll make you go blind." (Buddy, it's National Masturbation Month. Everyone's going blind.) A genuine 'shine still was on display, bringing a tear to this Kentucky boy's eye.

Lock and load

The real crowd pleasers were the SWAT guys, a frighteningly jovial and carefree bunch eager to show off all their ordnance and spin yarns about knocking some dude down with a point-blank tear gas canister to the chest. Remember, kids, submachine guns are for indoors, assault rifles for outdoors. And that silencer? Oh, that's just for capping noisy guard dogs who might spoil a surprise visit. A couple of fun facts: Kevlar is actually a fabric, and rubber bullets are actually steel shot in a bean bag. Ouch!

Speaking of shooting stuff, a detour led to the shooting range in the basement, where a disconcerting number of bullet marks were way off target. "At least we cleaned up the blood," chuckled one officer upstairs. The officer on hand rightly pointed out that his most effective weapon was talking a suspect down (sucker - mine is a Flying Triangle Choke!). A sign outside forbids officers, due to lead dust in the air, from spending more than four straight hours "popping caps" - three if they insist on yelling "This one's for Tupac, bee-yatch!" all the time.

Visitors also got to inspect the interrogation room - phonebooks discreetly removed, I see - and the three holding cells, which I must say were very nice and clean, if small. I'm thinking they could fetch about $500 a month on the Plateau.