M I'm pretty sure that little space between your balls and asshole is called a Sam Roberts. [BLEEP!]

F I wanna know why it's so fucking hard to book a gig in this city. Everyone says they want to help you, they wanna help the local scene. Well, that's bullshit. No one cares when you're starting up, no one gives a shit. They're only there after you've made it outside of Montreal and come back to play. Yup, everyone loves you then. [BLEEP!]

M Everybody's always talking about how this whole music scene in Montreal sucks but you know what, man? If you guys had your fucking acts together, you'd notice that NATALIE PORTMAN rocks the fucking house. They're made up of, like, three guys, they all fuckin' play guitar and I think they're in sweatpants all the time, man. They freak me out, man, they are so good, they are so fast. If you guys wanna see the state of the art right now in the Montreal music scene: Natalie Portman. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, what's up, bitches? This is [someone claiming to be] Gusto, from State of Occupation, walking down Ste-Catherine Street Tuesday night, it's around midnight. Not sure if we made deadline or not. We just wanted to let you retards know that we just got back from our first mini Ontario tour. It was slammin'! Here's Showboy. [next person comes on line] Hello, can you say 450 people in Oshawa? It was fucking sick! Off the hook! No one supports local bands in Montreal, it's terrible. Go to Ontario, you get 400, 450 people. They don't even know who the fuck we are, they leave and they think we're fucking God, it's amazing. Alberta, here we come. Peace. [pause] You're retarded. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the idiot who says that Wicca goes back only 50 years. Are you fucking retarded? Wicca is witchcraft, aka the use of magic which goes back thousands of years - if not tens of thousands of years. Did you drop out of high school? You haven't studied the WITCH TRIALS, the witch craze in medieval times? It's called pagan history! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This rant is for the guy who had his BIKE STOLEN in last week's Rant Line™. Man, if you drop me an email at hlewenza@yahoo.com I'll fucking hook you up with a bike because that's just ridiculous that somebody stole yours. And for all of you assholes who are out there stealing people's bikes, most of the time people ride their bikes because they're poor and can't afford cars. The shittiest thing you could do to another human being is to steal their transportation when they can't even afford a fucking metro pass. So, I'm sorry about what happened to you, dude, and I'll get a collection from my friends and we'll get you a bike. Okay? [BLEEP!]

M If I ever see anyone stealing anyone's bike, I will rip out their NOTCHO. [BLEEP!]

F I bought a beta fish - a JAPANESE FIGHTING FISH - and I'm scared I'm going to kill it. I thought it was going to be easy to take care of but now I have people telling me that I have to worry about nitrates and nitrites and ammonias and ammoniums and all these crazy things. So I'm running around checking the Montreal water - which is slightly hard, by the way, but very close to neutral. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Summer's coming and we all wanna have a good time but we can't forget our pets! [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I'm just calling to thank the people that came out to the circle jerk last Friday at midnight. It was awesome, and thanks to the girl who gave head to the guy on the mountain. Quite a nice little show there. Next week, this Friday, same time, 12 o'clock, same place, at the gazebo. This time the PASSWORD is gonna be "Hello, hello, hello" - three times. This is just to avoid predators and a bunch of WEIRD PEOPLE showing up, acting as if they know. So let's all make this a huge success. So far it's been pretty good. This Friday, 12 o'clock. See ya there and don't forget: Hello, hello, hello. [BLEEP!]

M I am calling with regards to the masturbation circle. I was wondering if we could maybe do it Sunday nights from now on, it would be easier for me. Because Friday nights, I'm too busy. I don't have time to go up to Mount Royal and do that then. I would like to do it Sunday nights around 10:30, 11 or so. That'd be perfect. Please let me know if Sunday nights are going to be better for everyone else. That'd be great. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™, I was just wondering if anyone else out there gets turned on when they see all those pictures in the news of all those nude Iraqi guys being forced to jerk off in front of women prison guards and stuff? Like, I know it's wrong and everything but those sick pictures really, really turn my crank, know what I'm saying? I just wish I didn't feel so fucking guilty about it, you know? Later. [BLEEP!]

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