by GABRIEL MORENCY

The Expos are off to their worst start in franchise history. The Canadiens are hitting golf balls instead of hockey pucks. The Alouettes don't start knocking heads for another six weeks and the Impact won't play their first home game until May 16. There's more action going on in Expos infielder Jamey "No Sex Before Marriage" Carroll's bedroom than there is in any of the city's arenas or stadiums (somebody should tell Jamey there's no sex after marriage either, but that's another story).

With so little local content to work with, I thought of submitting a blank page to the editors and trying to pass it off as some sort of minimalist statement, what with this paper always being on the cutting-edge of alternative expression. Then I thought, why not just pass off some stuff I read in the NY Post a couple of days ago as my own, but then I remembered, this is the Mirror, not the Gazette.

Finally, I realized that while things may be quiet for now, there has been no shortage of inspiring performances, sensational breakdowns and sometimes just bizarre behaviour from the world of professional sports. Here's our vote for the best.

Best Comebacks

From the rink to the ring to the diamond, comebacks were the big story of the year and none were bigger than the return of…

1. Bob Gainey
Gainey's return brought instant credibility on the outside and increased accountability on the inside to a Canadiens team that had become accustomed to going through the motions. After quickly setting the tone in the pre-season with his "gutless bastards" diatribe, he then barred the media from the team's charter, proving beyond a doubt that Gainey had enough of the CH and its players getting shredded by their fans and the media. Welcome back Bob, hope you stay a while.

2. Bruins-Canadiens
With everything the Canadiens have accomplished in their well-documented history, rallying back from a 3-1 series deficit was not one of them. Left for dead after Game 4 at the Bell Centre, the club's comeback electrified the city by taking three straight against the bigger, stronger and supposedly better Boston Bruins. Now, if they could only get out of the second round!

3. Otis Grant
Whether he ever becomes a world champion again doesn't matter, Grant's return to the ring is truly movie-of-the-week material. A near fatal auto accident took his prime payday years away from him, but Montreal's most underrated fighter has what money can't buy - class.

Honourable Mention
The Expos may be horrible, but at least they're still here. For how long is anybody's guess. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Best Media Tussle

Surprisingly, Frank Robinson, Norman Marshall, Stephanie Myles, Jim Duff, Pat Hickey, Mitch Melnick, Jack Todd or Dino Sisto were not involved. While jockeying for position in the media scrum after the Canadiens' Game 3 meltdown versus Tampa Bay, CJAD's Rob Martier and SportsNet's Louis Jean go off WWE style in the Canadiens locker room to the amusement of Saku Koivu and disgust of Craig Rivet.

Best Promotions

With the Expos looking to avoid 100 losses this year, it will take more than a $1 hot dog to get people down to the stadium. Here are some other suggestions for the marketing staff to mull over:

Poutine Night
Quebecers may love hot dogs, but not as much as their poutine. Crank out $1 poutine nights and the riot squad will have to be called. Only problem is, run out of cheese curd and it's G n' R and Metallica all over again.

Fan Participation Night
Any game in which the Expos are down by five or more runs, fans are drawn from the stands at random to pinch-hit and participate in a real Major League game. Don't think you can handle the heat? Don't worry about it. The owner of the team wants to lose anyways!!

Best Party

Coming up: Road Rage 6, Friday, May 7, Grand Bayou (12 Rachel W.), 10 p.m.

Sports Rage with Gabriel Morency is vented weeknights 11 p.m.-2 a.m. on TEAM 990 AM. This column appears bi-weekly. Comments: sportsrage@team990.com