F I have this GREAT IDEA for a cast for a Montreal version of The Surreal Life - that show that had Vanilla Ice and Ron Jeremy on it? The first cast will be made up of William Shatner, Corey Haim, Melissa Auf der Maur, LUBA, Ivan Doroschuk and Leonard Cohen. Man, I'd watch that. Yeah! Living all together in a West Island bungalow. Maybe even Corey Hart could stop by for one of the episodes with his friend Jean-Marc from the Box. This could be great! [BLEEP!]

M This is Smack Daddy J of the Wannabe Porn Stars. I just wanna know: if Montreal is such a good city for the porn industry, why am I still a wannabe? [BLEEP!]

M So Syd Barrett got schizophrenic because of music talk? How about you do some research and think before you open your fucking mouth, okay? Do some fucking research! Learn your fucking lesson! And then open your mouth! [yelling] Jesus, get a grip! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Paddy, ex-Kingpins singer guy. Listen, I'd like to send this rant out to the two goths that I mouthed off to at the dep on Saturday night. Listen, I don't know what the hell came over me or why I unloaded on you guys like that. I mean, that just was not cool. I guess I was having an ASSHOLE MOMENT, so I'm terribly sorry about that. In fact, I remember I used to live with goths a long time ago in a house and I had this big painting of a bat on my bedroom wall. It used to scare the crap out of me but those goth guys drew little checkers on his boots and put a little porkpie hat on the bat and it was actually kind of cute and it was a ska bat and then it was very nice after that. And I didn't have any more nightmares. So, goth people are cool and I'm sorry and I was a prick. I'm sorry. I'm gonna make out these apology cards again. I'm sorry. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the Wiccan who was talking about not forgetting his heritage. I would just like to remind you, sir, that the heritage of Wicca goes back only about 50 years, to Mr. Gerald Gardner, who founded the movement on the ideas of Aleister Crowley, something that often does get forgotten by people who try to remember the traditions of nature. [BLEEP!]

M [Very distressed, with thick accent]Can someone who stole my bike from the school on Papineau - the school for poor people - return it to me because [considered pause]… I'm going to KILL him. This is the second time my bike has been stolen so I'm not in a forgiving mood now. Please, if you want to steal some bikes, go to Westmount or Outremont. That's the place where there's rich people. I can't believe it. I'm so fucking poor, you know? [Starts sobbing] So fucking poor. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is for the guy who wanted to know what the BLUMPKIN is. Howard Stern just got fined for saying that word on the air. A blumpkin is getting a blow job while you're on the toilet taking a shit. That's all I got. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M For the person who asked about that special spot between your balls and your ass. Well, I've heard it called the bridge and also the NOTCHO, as in not yo' ass and not yo' balls. [BLEEP!]

M This is for that idiot who's wondering about more names for that space between your balls and your asshole. Well, in your case, it would probably be your chin. [BLEEP!]

M I just wanna say that God really loves me. And he really loves you, too - even if you don't love him. He will take care of you all of the time. All you have to do is be nice to one another in the world and be a good person. [BLEEP!]

M To the girl that wants to get well-fucked. My only advice is find someone your own size, your own body size. If you're a big girl, find a big guy. If you're small, find someone small and so on. This way everything fits and you'll get well-fucked. Okay. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M For that asshole complaining about heavy girls wearing those ultra low jeans with all the BUM CLEAVAGE. Are you crazy, dude?! Those low rise pants are godhead to ass lovers around the world. Every time I see a little ass crack on the metro or in the street - especially if it's a sexy girl - I'm, like, wanting to jerk off as soon as I can find a private place to do it. So, don't tell girls not to wear those pants, you idiot! Are you trying to ruin one of the best things about summer? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is a rant about life in Montreal, man. Pool, bar, songs, threesomes, sweatpants, the cross at the top of the mountain. Seriously, if life isn't sweet enough here, where could it be any sweeter? Just tell me where, man. Thank-you. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M Are there any clubs or bars in Montreal with unisex bathrooms? [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum