M Music talk made Syd Barrett schizophrenic. Music talk made Jim Morrison grow fat. Music talk made Kurt Cobain shoot himself. Music talk was made only to enhance our intellectual, pretentious, silly, conscious minds of rhythm. [BLEEP!]

M I also think that a musician, the minute you throw money at him, becomes CORRUPT and it's uninteresting. So for the guy who thinks that he needs money to go somewhere in life, let me tell you this: your music is generic boring bland crap that we've heard millions of times before. Real musicians are those who don't give a crap about money. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This is for that simpleton who thinks that we should be accountants to make money and that art should be shared for free. Music and art cost money to create, produce and market - and that's aside from all the other SHENANIGANS. Being both an artist and a composer, you should know that I have many compositions waiting to be released for a time when technology can be perfected and all of my hard work and time won't go down the drain by those who claim poverty as an excuse for stealing something they could live without. You should just listen to the radio instead of downloading music illegally. Rest assured that when my stuff is released, I will SUE with the greatest patience and pleasure anyone who steals from me and I'll pay my lawyers and accountants by writing a catchy funny song about it. I wonder how many other music producers are doing the same? Maybe that's why there's so much bad music out there. [BLEEP!]

M Hear ye! Hear ye! Hearken to the witches' rune. It's that time once again. Beltane. That's right, May Day. May 1. I'm really looking forward to seeing all of you witches, pagans, and DRUIDS at the usual place in Montreal. The Montreal Wiccan community is growing larger and, for those who cannot make it or do not understand much about the craft, well, how about this? Go hug a tree or tie a ribbon with a spell of what you'd like to have grow into your life. And for those who have not walked the craft path, just a reminder: we do not worship or believe in the DEVIL and we do not go around hexing people - unless they severely deserve it. In which case, we will accept our Karmic consequences. We fear divinity in our goddess and HORNET LORD. In the moon, in the sun, in the trees, in the wind, rain and nature - get the idea yet? Lest we forget our heritage. [BLEEP!]

M Hi y'all. This rant goes out to B.D. Dragon. Sister, where are you? It's Drew. I'm looking for you all over town, I can't find your number. Can you please, if you're reading this, go to the Mélange, post your number up so you can get in contact with me. Hoping to reach you before the Beltane ritual. Bless the beasts. [BLEEP!]

M For the education of the island of Montreal, the place between the balls and the asshole is called a PERINEUM. I take this from the highly informative magazine of Cosmopolitan. Perineum. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. That special place is called your GOOTCH. I would prefer if next time you refer to it by its special name: gootch. Gootch. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy who was making reference to the little spot in between his balls and his asshole called the taint or the grundle - you'll have to excuse me, I'm at work, I can't exactly be talking too loud about this. It's called the STINK TRAIL and it's the greatest spot in the world. Once your girlfriend gets down there and licks that, it's fantastic. And anyone who tells you different is just full of shit. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person who took the time to look up the words taint and grundle. I wanna say thank you very much and I've got another one for you. Can you look up what a BLUMPKIN is? Blumpkin. Have a good time with that one. [BLEEP!]

F Hi everybody. I've been watching the Montreal playoffs and I have just one question. What is with the porn-star STASHES? Did they have a team meeting to decide this? If anyone has the information, please let me know. [BLEEP!]

F Did anyone go to the Gazebo Circle Jerk last week? I'm just wondering if any girls or couples came and were there. Please, rant back. I want to know. Was it good? It was a cold fucking night, man. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is in response to the girl starting the Gazebo Circle Jerk thing last Friday on the mountain at midnight. I missed it by, like, half an hour and I sat there for, like, two hours waiting for somebody to show up. I think this thing could get really huge. So let's do another one next Friday at midnight. I so want to do this. I've been looking for something like this for two, three years now, couldn't find nothing. It's about time. Get back to me. [BLEEP!]

M Are there any clubs or bars in Montreal with unisex bathrooms? [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum