F Hi, this rant goes out to that hottie bassist from the Donkeys. You guys just don't play enough shows. I so need more. [BLEEP!]

M This is the Rant Line™? Good. This is Showboy from State of Occupation. You liked fucked up shit? You like to get fucking crazy? I like getting crazy. [passes phone over to friend] I'm fucking Gusto from the State of Occupation. You ready for the best fucking rock band of all time? That's right, we're so fucking good, it makes me STUTTER. That's right, here's Showboy. [passes phone back] We're Sheryl Crow meets Beastie Boys meets Eric Clapton meets Janis Joplin meets Hatebreed meets Beethoven. Fuck you! [BLEEP!]

M This is to the dude who thinks musicians should become accountants and lawyers if they want to make any money. In what world do you live in, buddy? It's because of young, uneducated, mindless punks like you that real music can't FLOURISH these days. I wouldn't share my art with you if you were the last person who hadn't heard it. But I will share some words of wisdom with you and hopefully one day, when you understand what it's like to want to make a living from something you love, you will understand. To be a serious musician, who can actually play an instrument and/or sing - not lip synch - takes years of dedication, evolution, practice and hard work. You can't be a lawyer or accountant with a successful practice and be a full-time musician. Do you understand the concept of there being only 24 hours in a day? To be an inspired musician, one's head has to be in the right space to create. Maybe when you grow up you'll understand this. In the meantime why don't you just go run to your mommy about it. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who was covering up other posters with his Black Lips posters - this is exactly what's wrong with the music scene in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is for that person who so delicately referred to that special place between my balls and my asshole - or, more precisely, between his balls and his asshole. For everybody's information, according to my thorough research, it's called a TAINT and/or a GRUNDLE. Take your pick. If anybody has any others, I'd like to know. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I've got a rant. What is it with that cheesy avant-garde keyboard music in the metro stations? As if there weren't enough people killing themselves already. It's gotta stop. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F I can't believe I'm going to say this. It's going to be so nasty but I have to get it off my chest. I'm a woman of a certain sensibility in my 30s and people sometimes ask me, "Well, why don't you hang out in Mile-End with the music kids, the art kids?" And I say, "No thanks, I have enough to be sad about. I really don't any need more things. I really don't need to hang out with a bunch of sad-eyed kids in CARDIGANS who are upset their parents were hippies and just can't seem to smile and have fun. Sorry, kids. Get outside. Get some sunshine. Smile. Enjoy yourself. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, I'm calling about something really weird that I saw last Friday. This big crowd was walking down St-Urbain but all of them were POOL PLAYERS. A few hundred people carrying pool cues heading towards downtown. So I was just wondering if anybody has any ideas what in the world that was all about. Please call in. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Montreal, what's up? I moved here three years ago and despite the über piles of dog shit, the terrible weather and the beautiful girls of questionable moral calibre, I only have one complaint. What is it with these chubby, fleshy girls with the low-rise jeans and the thongs that stick all the way out when they play pool? There should be a law against that shit. When you bend over to take a shot that you're not gonna make anyway, I shouldn't have to look at your fat ass with your fucking thong sticking out two feet above your fucking jeans. I've got two words to say about it: Jenny Craig. Look it up. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I have a message for all you English bastards living in Montreal. If you're not happy about TéléQuébec or the local music scene or anything else that represents Quebec, go get a life somewhere else and don't bother us Québécois anymore. You suck. [BLEEP!]

F What does a girl have to do to get well-fucked in this city? That's all I want to know. Later. [BLEEP!]

F I'm the girl who called in the winter who was upset about missing the CIRCLE JERK that never happened. Well, if anyone's interested, I'm ready to get it going again. I've been practicing all winter long with a few of my friends and now we can really last. We're ready to go. So I want anyone who is interested to meet this Friday night at midnight at the gazebo on the mountain. See you there. [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum