by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

Stapling his scrotum to his thighs, squeezing lime juice in his eye, sitting on live scorpions, serving as a human dartboard, jumping off Tower Bridge in Union Jack boxers. There's a reason that Stephen "Steve-O" Glover's video series and current world tour are called Don't Try This at Home.

A former Deadhead and certified circus clown, Steve-O's lifelong calling has been the obsessive auto-documentation of his own pratfalls, stunts and stupidity. At first, it was just for his buds in the American skateboard scene. Now it's for chuckleheads and debased drunks the world over.

Like that Jesus guy in Mel Gibson's wacky flick, he submits himself to unbelievable amounts of physical abuse in order to bring warmth and joy to the hearts of the unwashed masses. So much so that even his co-stars from MTV's wildly successful Jackass program, no strangers to suffering for laughs, take pause and fret about his long-term prospects for survival.

And if you thought Jackass was nuts, check out the frenzy of blood, piss, beer, shit, puke, drugs and busted furniture that is The Steve-O Video Vol. III: Out on Bail (featuring cover art by Derek Riggs, the same dude who did all those awesome Iron Maiden album covers!), or for that matter, the spectacle that Steve-O and co. will unleash at Metropolis this weekend. He'll be joined by Jackass alumni Ryan Dunn, Preston Lacy, Jason "Wee-Man" Acuna (the pint-sized pro skater and porn pimp) and special guest Chris "Party Boy" Pontius, Steve-O's co-star on MTV's new Wildboyz show.

The Mirror requested a chat with Steve-O, Wee-Man and Party Boy, all at the same time, as they kicked off the current Canadian leg of their world tour.

The Mirror got exactly what it deserved.

Steve-O: What's up, Rupert, dude? No, wait, hold on - it's 4:20 as we speak! Let me relight my joint. (Pause, toking noises) I love Canadian weed, brother, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm even Canadian myself -

M: Are you?

S-O: I'm born in England to a Canadian mother, so I naturalized. They thought I'd have trouble getting into the country, because of the nature of my work and the fact that I have "shit-fuck" tattooed on my knuckles.

M: Now, I've seen the Out on Bail DVD, so I have an inkling of what you guys will do when you get here. But a lot of people are asking, what the hell does their show involve?

S-O: We don't cough up the whole routine in the videos. That would be pointless. I can honestly describe the stage show so easily, just by saying that right before your eyes, we get as intoxicated as we possibly can, in order to perform body-damaging stunts that aren't allowed on television, while under the supervision of absolutely no one.

M: Excellent.

S-O: Fuck all those rules. That's what it is - we've all been working for television networks, with all their censors and garbage, for so long that it's just nice to get out there in person, explain all the rules we've had to follow and just break 'em.

M: Right on.

S-O: I get arrested a lot. I've gotten arrested more in the last year, I think, than… I don't know. I've been getting arrested a lot. I'll probably get arrested while I'm here in Canada. There's a couple of things I'm actually kinda wanting to try to get arrested for.

M: Like what?

S-O: Well, I'll take a public whadayacallit, a drunk-in-public -

M: Drunk and disorderly.

S-O: I'd love to acquire a drunk and disorderly misdemeanour, just to get a reading - like, on a breathalyzer, y'know? They say that 0.4 is legally dead, and I've heard of people still living and breathing with 0.75. So if I can just get cops to verify that I drank myself past 0.4, so I can say I was legally dead - just find some cool cops there. I want to have a breathalyzer competition that's judged by cops. I'll take the misdemeanour to make that happen. Here, I'm gonna pass you over to dude - who wants to jump in here? Say something filthy for the trashy newspaper.

Small talk with Wee-Man

Wee-Man: Trashy newspaper? Hey, you know what?

M: What?

W-M: (Idiot giggling) I might be called Wee, but "wee" is not spelled with two Es in "wiener!" (Imbecile guffaws, gurgling noises) Oh yeah, and ever since the last time I was in Canada, I have become the Weed Man! So if you need a stash, just let me know!

M: Listen, this is our April Fool's issue. How important is that day to you guys?

W-M: Naw, it's just another day for me to get drunk. Oh, I gotta go. Later, man.

S-O: Yeah dude!

M: Wee-Man says it's just another day to him -

S-O: Aw, Wee-Man, April Fool's is totally a day, dude. But it's only until noon that you can play jokes. Isn't that right?

M: Yeah.

S-O: But man, every goddamn day of my life is some kinda fuckin' fool's day, so I don't make a big deal out of it. Hey dude, hold on, Pontius has something to say about April Fool's.

Party Boy: (Whispering dramatically) First, I stuck a finger in her buttocks. Then two. Soon I had my entire clenched fist jammed up her mud trail, and I pretty much had the feeling that her colon was elastic enough to fit my wiener comfortably (idiot chortling).

PB: Steve-O just wanted me to tell you that.

S-O: Yeah, that was Pontius, in answer to your April Fool's question. Recently, a woman stuck one finger in my butt, and I told her to stick it in just a little further. (Idiot giggling) Then maybe another. Uno mãs, por favor. I mean, just about every dude has had a girl stick her finger up his butt, and never admitted they liked it. But they do. (Delighted cackling) So let's get into some more questions.

M: Now, you've been busted for pissing in Pennsylvania, lewdness in Louisiana, weed in Sweden -

S-O: For the truly impressive criminal record that I've put together, I have to say, there's not one really serious crime on it. As long as I don't get arrested for anything I'm ashamed of, I'll be happy to continue getting arrested for doing things that I don't think are wrong. I'll take the misdemeanours - it's felonies that keep you from travelling between countries. I'm just not a felon. I did have some drunk driving arrests like, almost 10 years ago, and that I'm horribly ashamed of. Putting other people's lives in jeopardy is not part of my regime. As much as we include audience participation in our shows, it's genuinely not my wish to harm anybody but myself. I'll carry out the wish of an audience member to say, have a hot chick kick him in the balls. We're probably gonna shave off a lot of audience members' eyebrows.

M: Oh, yeah.

S-O: I just had the funniest time, drugging up my stage manager with Xanax. I crushed it into powder and dumped it into a glass of water because, quote, I was looking out for him and didn't want him to get a hangover. So he chugs it and, while he's passed out, I brought out my clippers and shaved just one eyebrow. If I'd shaved off two, people who didn't know him wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But he doesn't have the pride to shave off the other one himself, so he's gonna let the missing eyebrow catch up. Now everybody, people who know him and people who don't, can all see blatantly what a goddamn buttnut he looks like.

M: Right on.

S-O: And I guarantee you, my stage manager has been getting pussy like crazy. Having one eyebrow is a great icebreaker. We're gonna play with some electricity here in Canada too. I don't know if stun guns are illegal or not -

M: Oh, good question.

S-O: - but we brought one. At the end of the day, we're gonna party with everyone and get wasted.

M: Hey, let me grill Pontius a bit more.

Kissing cobras, manipulating stiffs

PB: Well, forget about having eyebrows at this show. What's going on?

M: Wildboyz.

PB: Yeah!

M: We haven't all seen that up here. What's it about?

PB: It's like Jackass mixed with the best nature show ever (idiot chortling).

M: Like Marlon Perkins shit?

PB: It's more like, if Steve Erwin had balls. And he was hot. And he actually played with snakes that have venom (delirious cackling). Filming Wildboyz has been way more dangerous than Jackass. Every day of filming we've been dreading, expecting someone to get hurt.

M: You can't really negotiate with animals, eh.

PB: You can't. We jump in the water in our underwear right next to great white sharks, kiss cobras on the head, um, what else? I'm really fucked up. (Idiot cackling, gurgling noises)

M: I get the impression there's a vague educational angle to Wildboyz. Have you yourself learned anything?

PB: Aw yeah, everything you'd ever want to know about animals. We've learned so much, we're sick of the damn things!

M: What's up for Season 2? I hear you got Tony Hawk -

PB: Tony Hawk got a few bruises while filming Jackass. He almost died while filming Wildboyz. I'm not proud of that. We got extremely irresponsible on this one. We up the bar more and more. At first, we weren't scared, but we were really ignorant. The secret to working with dangerous animals is to remember that ignorance is bliss.

S-O: Yeah dude!

M: I want to ask you about this dead-person public service announcement. [Steve-O plans to film an anti-drug clip using an actual dead person as a puppet, letter of consent provided].

S-O: Aw, yeah! I've been looking into that more, and talking with my cousin in Indonesia, and I asked him, logistically, where we could do this. He said that, legally, as far as transporting bodies after they're enbalmed, the only two places are Canada and Japan, that he knows about. We were talking about this and Jeff Tremaine, our director, said, "No way, dude, it's gotta be a cracker. It wouldn't be funny with a Japanese person." Now that I'm in Canada, this is the place to do it at. So I've got my DVDs, okay, and I'm well aware that there's nothing that's ever cured cancer other than laughter. So I genuinely want to go to a cancer ward. I figure I'll give out DVDs at a cancer ward, and if I see anyone who's into it, maybe shit'll happen.

M: Maybe someone will step up to the plate.

S-O: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's gotta be an act of goodwill. As shocking as it is, I'm genuinely doing that to make the world a better place, as best I can. You have to help someone who's really staring down the barrel of an immediate, bad death to find something to be excited about, to genuinely make lemonade out of lemons.

With Terry and Deaner from FUBAR: The Movie at Metropolis on Saturday, April 3, 8pm, $30, all ages