Dear Sasha: Recently I had been taking a 60-year-old woman out to dinner and movies. I'm 75. After a night out, I asked her back to my apartment. The enviable happened. At which point she says what I got was a gift. A $500 gift. This is what she charges as an escort for an all-night affair. Later I was to send her the $500.
We are no longer on speaking terms. I was not aware that she was an escort. Nor did I see why she had to inform me. I was under the impression that I was going out on dates. She liked movies and to eat at my expense. No great loss, I imagined. But it leaves me to wonder: why would she tell me about her prime-time activities in such a manner? » Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
Dear BBB,
There are a few ways of interpreting your wording, so let's go with this one first: this woman made you pay after the fact for a service of which you were clearly not aware. This is highly unethical. I can think of circumstances in the sex trade where it may be dangerous or feel uncouth to bring up money issues, but in this case, it seems that she had plenty of opportunity to do so. However, if you met her through the personal ads, there is language that you should look out for that might imply that sex comes with a cost. "Generous" is one word.
The second one is this: you were going on non-professional dates with this woman, she was warming up to the idea of you, and she chose a rather crass and arrogant way to divulge her profession (not to mention one that seems straight out of a James Bond flick). This miffed you, and to make your feelings clear, you sent her a good old passive-aggressive cheque letting her know, to paraphrase Holly Golightly, that you can pay for your own whiskey and she'd better not forget it.
If this is the case, please try to understand that being in the pleasure arts doesn't always go over well with everyone. In fact, nearly every time you get personally involved with someone, it has the potential to become a stressful issue. I had one beau who thought it was cute to tell his dates that he paid his way through law school doing gay male porn. Wasn't he confused when I blurted back in relieved collusion, "That's wonderful! I'm a stripper!" He was kidding. I wasn't - although he did turn out to be one of those people who couldn't have given a shit.
Every sex worker alive has had to deal with losing partners, dates, family and friends because of their profession; disclosure can be tricky. Perhaps that explains why she told you in such a jarring way?
Dear Sasha: I have recently started escorting in order to pay for my school tuition. Thus far I've been able to handle it like any other job, but a recent situation has made it so that I wish I had a support network. Is there any online forum dedicated to escorts as a place to ask questions, share experiences or offer support? I don't want to turn to a place that pities escorts or would try to convince me to get a "real" job. I'm quite content with the knowledge that I'm paying my way through school and living comfortably. Book suggestions would also be appreciated. I'm currently reading Sex Work and loving it. » Need To Vent
Dear Need,
The Commercial Sex Information Service (www.walnet.org) is a remarkably thorough resource for everything from legal jargon to local community groups. You can also access local Montreal groups through www.attitudes.cc. Look at www.spoc.ca for a really lucid definition of the difference between decriminalization and legalization.
As for books, I always recommend Whores in History by Nickie Roberts, which you can only find on Amazon.com. I've also been enjoying Good Time Girls by Lael Morgan, and a recent biography I gobbled up was Outlaw: The Lives and Careers of John Rechy by Charles Casillo. If you go on the Good Vibrations Web site (www.goodvibes.com), you'll find several collected essays by sex workers. Carol Queen writes most eloquently on the matter.
Got any questions for Sasha? Write her at
465 McGill Street, 3rd floor, Montreal, Quebec, H2Y 4B4
Fax: 393-3173
e-mail: pouledeluxe@yahoo.com
