by RAF KATIGBAK

I've always thought of the Smiths like grapefruits. Either you love 'em or they leave a taste in your mouth not unlike battery acid mixed with poo. For me, in Grade 8, it was the latter. Not because I didn't like their music - in fact, at that time I hadn't even heard it. No, the only reason I couldn't stand the Smiths was because of Sean Kenderson, eighth grade bully and devoted Smiths fan. Every day Kenderson would show up to school in the same black-and-blue Smiths shirt to terrorize my friends (a motley crew of "talented and gifted" students dubbed the "Nerd Herd"). Following a rigorous round of wedgies, the Nerd Herd would debate the various shortcomings of our fascist oppressor. "Who is that Smiths band, anyway? I bet they're all death metal, singing about eating babies or something," mused a friend. Later on in Grade 11, with enough emotional and physical distance (Kenderson was thankfully held back a year), I finally got to listen to the Smiths. Dumfounded, I exclaimed, "This is the Smiths? But he's all whiny!" It was then that I realised that Kenderson was a sensitive young boy trapped in a bully's body, each spitball and noogie a cry for help. After that, I learned to like the Smiths. Not because Morrissey spoke to my bruised and battered heart by capturing the anguish and confusion of my youth, but because it proved once and for all that Sean Kenderson was really more of a wuss than I was.

Like 'em or not, they're coming. Well, two of 'em are, at least. This Monday, March 15, drop by O Patro Vys for the PVC five-year birthday bash with special guests DJs Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce, the rhythm section from the Smiths. Expect some rock, mod, soul and alternative classics from these Brit-rock legends, for an $8 cover.

Speaking of high school, if you're into fist-pumping, tear-jerking, ass-grabbing ballads, why not also rock out for a good cause this Monday at la Sala Rossa. Pony Up! and special guests will also be there to perform their own versions of slow-dance classics, while DJ Fighters bring the romance. Cover is $6 and all proceeds benefit la Fondation pour l'amour de Sarah.

Canadian breaks ambassador DJ Czech returns to Montreal tonight for a steamy session of rump-bumpin' funk over at Blizzarts weekly Apesh!t night. Anyone who's seen this guy knows he can turn the party out faster than the Hilton sisters on crack-stacy. Eight dollars gets you in.

IDM junglists will be crapping their collective pants on Friday, March 12, as the Rephlex Records (Aphex Twin's label) USA tour hits Cabaret. On hand will be the inimitable mindfuck of Bogdan Raczynski, the high-speed, old-school junglizations of Soundmurderer and the musical rantings of DJ Rephlex Records. Be there!

One of the rootinest, tootinest electro outfits in town, Lesbians on Ecstacy, rock Circus afterhours this Friday. If you haven't checked out LOE or Circus, this is finally a chance to do both! Completing the awesome all-night lineup are DJs Frigid, Sean Kosa and Philgood.

Nerd Herd powers, activate! Diskoakimbo@sympatico.ca

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