Dear Sasha: I disagree with your response to Miss Cake [Feb. 26]. I also lost sexual interest in a long-term partner and got tangled up with a mutual friend, and I think your advice could have been more supportive. Yes, she's being selfish, and no, she shouldn't have her cake and eat it too, but to call her "a horny, self-indulgent, renegade jackass" is pretty weak.

We've come up with so many categories for human sexuality - to the point where nothing's shocking ("I'm a celibate, transgendered, lesbian polyamourist"), yet infidelity is still looked upon as this act of utterly selfish evil. The reality of long-term relationships is that losing your sexual appetite for your partner is a possibility, and if you married young and haven't had a whole lot of sexual experience, you might suddenly hit your mid-30s and realize you're not just wifey, but a hot mama who gorgeous men actually want to fuck!

It's a very empowering thing to be desired. Miss Cake should not be encouraged to continue cheating, but she should also not be scolded for wanting to expand her sexual horizons. By telling her she's on her own, you're saying she's been a shit and she deserves to be in a sexually stifled marriage. Instead, she should be encouraged to discuss her dissatisfaction with her husband, opening the doors to exploration. If all else fails, then she needs to end the marriage. But if - for whatever reason: money, kids, family expectations, etc - she feels she can't leave the marriage, I think it's okay to get nookie somewhere else once in a while. It has a tendency to stoke old fires and bring them home. And for the record, I've never told my ex about my infidelity, although it's the reason I eventually left the relationship - for my own conscience. He's still my closest friend and I love him to bits, and I know it would kill him to know I'd cheated. » Miss Cake II

Dear Cake II,
I'll say it again: people who fuck mutual friends when their relationship is suffering are horny, self indulgent, renegade jackasses. Just because we're now slowly opening up to the subtle degrees of human desire doesn't mean all of them merit approval or tolerance. Just because people are "allowed" the privilege of expressing their particular orientation doesn't mean the lying friend-fuckers get to jump on board and get credibility for their desire by virtue. And pray tell, why would a celibate, transgendered, lesbian polyamorist be shocking anyway? Lack of consideration should be shocking, not people's casualty-free sexual self-awareness.

I can see nuances to cheating, and one of them is the proximity of the person you're fucking to your relationship, but the bottom line is, the reality does not always justify the solution. Absolutely, your ex would be devastated if he knew what you had done, it might change his perception of you, and your mutual acquaintance forever. I actually think that's his right, though. If you've ever been cheated on in a way that questions very large portions of your reality, you might have a more unequivocal stance on it. Perhaps now that you're not stuck in a sexually stifled relationship, you'll have the opportunity to encounter it firsthand.

She, and you, have yourselves to lie to yourselves; you're not going to get me to lie to you too, and smother it in sexual-exploration sauce to boot. I appreciate the popular Proust questionnaire response of lying to spare someone's feelings, but when the underlying aim is to save your own hide, well, it's really not quite so altruistic, is it?

This issue always generates loads of response, mostly from cheaters who trot out an array of reasons as to why they need to keep their affairs secret, and who seem to think that I, as someone who advocates polyamoury, was harsh on Miss Cake. It is precisely because I advocate polyamoury that I take a hard line on cheating. And if you think for a moment I'm being sanctimonious, believe me, I didn't get to this point honestly, either. Polyamoury involves an enormous amount of communication, and also self-examination, along with the independent desires of your partner to consider. That's right, when you have an open relationship, you have to face the other person's view of your stifled relationship as well. Kind of puts a kink in that hot sex you're having, doesn't it?

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