by LORRAINE CARPENTER

Who is Nardwuar the Human Serviette? He's the frontman for the Evaporators, a fast and furiously fun Vancouver foursome featuring members of the Smugglers and New Pornographers (latest album: Ripple Rock). He's a music journalist (at MuchMusic, Chart, UBC's CITR radio) with an encycopledic knowledge of Canadian music and a very special interview style. He's a goofball guerrilla reporter who's drawn laughs, confusion and bizarro quotes from politicians, movie stars and big-time musicians. He's been a promoter, media persona and rock 'n' roller for 14 years, and his rapid recovery from a brain hemorrhage in 1999 proves that you can't keep a good Serviette down. The Mirror questioned Nardwuar about his outsider art.

Mirror: Nardwuar the Human Serviette, you inspired former prime minister Jean Chrétien to say, "For me, pepper, I put it on my plate." Given the chance, what would you ask our current Liberal overlord, Paul Martin?

Nardwuar the Human Serviette: Well, I was thinking about that because Paul Martin came to Vancouver, I did have the opportunity to speak to him, and I don't know if this is a sell-out, Lorraine, but I decided to do my third interview with Snoop Doggy Dogg instead! I don't do a lot, but does it have to happen that Paul Martin comes to town the same day Snoop comes? Now, there was no guarantee that I was gonna get a Paul Martin interview, but I could've waited outside the hotel he was appearing at or I could've waited for six hours for Snoop Doggy Dogg, and I did. What a day! And the Doggster called me a stupid motherfucker in that interview. I, actually, was quite honoured. But I would probably ask Paul Martin something about why the hell he brought Bono in for his coronation, something like, "By bringing in corporate rockers U2, is that symbolizing how you're going to be kowtowing to corporate interests like your steamship lines?" But then it was pointed out to me that he also brought in Sloan, and they're corporate rockers too, but they're nice guys and Bono's probably a nice guy, so I didn't really know where to go on that little trip.

Guy incognito

M: Nardwuar, have you ever had a hard time crashing a press conference?

NHS: Well, a few years ago, when Gordon Campbell was coronated as the premiere of BC, I went, and it was an open press conference, didn't even need media accreditation, but I did have it, from an Internet radio station. So here I am, ready to ask a question, but I wasn't in disguise so I they hauled me out of there! Now, I don't go in disguise to outwit the authorities, I go in disguise to outwit other members of the media 'cause it's other members of the media who try to tell on you. For the Chrétien press conference at APEC, I dressed up like a little reporter, but I wasn't gonna dress up for Gordon Campbell! And, sure enough, I was kicked out.

M: But if that woman from This Hour Has 22 Minutes can get in and rape Stephen Harper, why can't you, Nardwuar?

NHS: Uh, I never try to get physical with anybody, I think they'd be repulsed, but there is a double standard, it's not fair. They see me and they're like, "Get rid of that idiot!" Whereas they see her and it's cute. But when you get to a certain level in the media, people allow you to do stupid things. Like, nowadays, when a punk band plays an award show, the stage techs probably ask them, (jock dude voice) "Hey guys, are you gonna wreck your stuff? It's gonna be great, man!" Whereas, if the Evaporators got there and trashed our gear, we'd get in big shit, you know? Basically, members of the media think I'm a loser, punk rockers think I'm a loser, people in high school thought I was a loser. Here I am, walking home from school one day, and some kids are chasing me, so I run to a block parent home. I banged on the door, like, "Help! These guys are after me!" And they're like, "You're on your own." It was awful, and that's what's happened to me all my life! It's like I'm the one. "We drew some straws, everybody made the team except one person - I'm sorry, it's you, Nardwuar."

M: But Nardwuar, isn't that a little -

NHS: - No, I'm not paranoid. I just think everyone is out to get me.

With the Smugglers and L'Attack at le Swimming on Friday, March 5, 10pm, $10

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